A Man and His Incorrect Quote Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, and now a series of horribly incorrect quotes. Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy August’s series of Daily Fake TV Show Tweets.

Day One: Look! Up in the sky! What the fuck is that?

Day Two: Clear eyes, full hearts, bionic legs, fire breath, armored crotches, knife fingers, laser teeth, can’t lose.

Day Three: “When a man is tired of cats, he is tired of the Internet.” -Samuel Johnson

Day Four: Give me liberty or give me death OR, if I can do a combo, liberty and eternal life would be pretty fucking sweet.

Day Five: No one puts baby in the corner unless the corner supports the baby’s head.

Day Six: Hell hath no furries.

Day Seven: Starve a fever, whiskey a cold.

Day Eight: “Teacher say every time you fund at the bell level an angel gets his wings.” -It’s A Wonderful Kickstarter.

Day Nine: Four score and seven years ago, you dumb shits knew what four score meant.

Day Ten: You know nothing about ham, Jon Snow.

Day Eleven: A shark in the tornado is worth two in the bush.

Day Twelve: Revenge is a dish best served without sriracha. People really like sriracha.

Day Thirteen: Someday we’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection, the lovers, the dreamers, the lunatics, the goat people, and me.

Day Fourteen: Today we are rescheduling the apocalypse! When we find a date that works for everyone we’ll send out a new evite!

Day Fifteen: There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but they’re all horrible BECAUSE YOU’RE SKINNING A CAT, YOU MONSTER.

Day Sixteen: Houston, we don’t have a problem. We can stop anytime we want. YOU’RE NOT OUR MOM, HOUSTON!

Day Seventeen: There’s nothing to fear but spiders, dentists, mortality, lists with no Oxford Comma, herpes, and fear itself.

Day Eighteen: Pain is weakness leaving the body. Or it means you’re dying. Pain isn’t a very good communicator.

Day Nineteen: There’s no I in team, probably because the word team was created by a committee with no leadership or vision.

Day Twenty: Keep Calm and Lose Your Shit

Day Twenty-One: I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. It was a GroupOn. 2 horse heads for the price of 1. I’ve said too much.

Day Twenty-Two: Give a man a fishstick and he will eat for a day, teach a man to make fishsticks and he will die in a grease fire.

Day Twenty-Three: You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy outside of the DMV or maybe an Applebee’s.

Day Twenty-Four: If you’re not outraged, you’re probably in a medically induced coma.

Day Twenty-Five: A Lannister always pays his student loans for his 2 year degree in political science, rhetoric, and stabbing.

Day Twenty-Six: It’s better to have loved and lost than to have accidentally sexted a picture of your penis to your hair stylist.

Day Twenty-Seven: Welcome to the jungle. We have fun and games. Mostly heroin and Yahtzee.

Day Twenty-Eight: With great power comes great responsibility. It’s like a GroupOn for your soul, Spider-Man.

Day Twenty-Nine: Ten years ago we had Steve Cash, Johnny Hope, and Bob Jobs. Now we have dyslexia.

Day Thirty: An autocorrect a day keeps the dolphin agape.

Day Thirty-One: “I never said any of that shit.” -Abraham Lincoln, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, and the Dalai Lama.

Incorrectly,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can sign up for my fan list here and make more comedy possible by buying a book, a comedy album, or a script here.

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