For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, and now resolution tweets! Enjoy!
You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy February’s romantic series of “Hey Girl” tweets!
Day One – In 2014, I will call mouths “opinion holes.”
Day Two – In 2014, I will skywrite all my tweets. They will be much harder to steal that way.
Day Three – In 2014, I’m going to get a cat so I can say my Doctor Who opinions to someone who doesn’t give a shit.
Day Four – “In 2014, I’ll tweet quotes and attribute them to famous people regardless of the accuracy.” – Ricardo Montalban
Day Five – In 2014, I will remove “awesomesauce” from my vocabulary and replace it with “nicefluid.”
Day Six – In 2014, I will not compare people to Hitler, Rosa Parks, or mid-career Bob Saget. Time to let it go.
Day Seven – In 2014, I’m going to create exciting, realistic new buzzwords like #synalethargy #crowdflounder and #failchievement.
Day Eight – In 2014, I’ll learns not to post grammors that are uncorrect just to annoy people’s and they’re delicat sensitivities.
Day Nine – In 2014, I will only smoke crack if I become a mayor. This includes Foursquare.
Day Ten – In 2014, I’ll finally reach my goal of being endorsed on LinkedIn for “kind of an asshole.”
Day Eleven – In 2014, I will totes express all my feels like an adult.
Day Twelve – In 2014, I’ll invent several exciting new swear words, you crumpet-humpers.
Day Thirteen – In 2014, I will set attainable goals and become Batman.
Day Fourteen – In 2014, I will buy a yoga mat. I will never do any yoga and I’ll come to think of the mat as my “guilt blanket.”
Day Fifteen – In 2014, I will popularize live twitter by standing on a corner and screaming jokes to see if people will repeat them.
Day Sixteen – In 2014, I will stop procrastinating. I will do this some time in late November for a maximum of two days.
Day Seventeen – In 2014, I will keep refreshing twitter until I feel whole as a person.
Day Eighteen – In 2014, I will invent a new exercise for unmotivated people called tantric sighing.
Day Nineteen – In 2014, I will go on a six week mental juice cleanse.
Day Twenty – In 2014, I will start a terrible heavy metal band called Medium-Size Sinkhole.
Day Twenty-One – In 2014, I’ll increase my sense of existential dread by posting many Missed Connection ads about meeting myself.
Day Twenty-Two – In 2014, I’ll set up an email alert for every time I tweet, forget, get excited about the email, then tweet about it.
Day Twenty-Three – In 2014, I will build a villainous lair in either a hollowed out volcano or a blockbuster video.
Day Twenty-Four – In 2014, I will exercise twice.
Day Twenty-Five – In 2014, I will bitch about Star Wars. Daily.
Day Twenty-Six – n 2014, I will ONLY hoist myself on other people’s petards. Never my own. Get your petards ready, other people.
Day Twenty-Seven – In 2014, I will watch someone run a 5K marathon.
Day Twenty-Eight – In 2014, I will find $5 in an old pair of pants. This already happened so I’m nailing the shit out of this resolution.
Day Twenty-Nine – In 2014, I’ll invent tantric frozen pizza eating. The goal’s to eat as slowly as possible so you can savor the shame.
Day Thirty – In 2014, I’ll invent a warm-up exercise called a trust push. Basically, I’m going to push people. Mostly in airports.
Day Thirty-One: In 2037, I will travel back in time and make better resolutions for 2014. I will also kill and/or hug Hitler.
Your resolved friend,
If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.
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