There Is No News About Star Wars In This Post But You Will Read It Anyway

NoStarWarsNews

Like almost every human being on the planet with access to the internet, I’m excited about the new Star Wars movie coming out in 2015.

I will click on any article about it even though there’s usually no actual news whatsoever.

To add to the horror, I don’t even want to know anything because I don’t like spoilers.

I knew everything about The Phantom Menace before it came out because I read the character bios on the back of the action figures. Based on those I imagined a plot and thought, “It’s probably not that, though, because it’s kind of messy and stupid.” And then that was it. So don’t read the back of the action figures for the new movie. They will contain actual information, unlike this post.

Just in case you didn’t read the title, there is ZERO news about Star Wars in this post.

We do know this about the new Star Wars movie: it will be marketed heavily.

There will also be lightsabers, boots, probably helmets, and definitely pants. A LOT of the characters will wear pants.

Other things we can confirm: Han Solo will be in it. He might have a limp. Mark Hamill’s beard will play Luke Skywalker’s beard. Carrie Fisher will hopefully write her own dialogue for Princess Leia because she’s super funny and insightful.

This is an alien that might appear in the new Star Wars but probably not:

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Sadly, Alec Guinness, won’t be in the film because he’s no longer alive.

No news about Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian. It is possible that Andy Serkis will play Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian which seems like a really elaborate way to say “fuck you” to Billy Dee Williams.

Did you know there was a deleted scene in Empire Strikes Back where Lando catches Boba Fett farting?

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Did I mention there is no news in this post?

Will Lobot be in the new movie? Will he just have two iPads taped to the side of his head? Who knows? Not me. Who cares? Sadly, I do. Do you have any news about Lobot? Can I debase myself in some way to get it? Hit me up.

The music will be done by John Williams and if you buy the motion picture soundtrack CD there will be skits in between each song.

There might be a new cantina scene. Lady Gaga will be the bartender and she’ll serve someone blue milk mixed with “death liquor” and say, “Whoops! I’ve got a bad feeling about this!” and then do a duet with Tony Bennett. He won’t have pants. Why are you still reading this?

There could be a character in the film named Jan Solo. Or Typo Mangle. Or Dix Innabag. Or Innuendo Fucknoddle.

There might be a scene where Han Solo shoots Jar Jar Binks without provocation or warning.

Did you know you could make a joke that the “J.J.” in Abrams stands for “Jar Jar”? You sure can! More and more people will do it as we get closer to the film’s release SO GET FUCKING PUMPED for that joke.

The film will have lightsabers.

Here’s a picture of something that isn’t a lightsaber:

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If the movie doesn’t have lightsabers, I will literally have a mental breakdown.

The movie could be two hours of medical droid 2-1B explaining the science of midi-chlorians and I wouldn’t give a flying fuck as long as there was a lady in the background with a lightsaber.

Here are other things Andy Serkis might play: The Millenium Falcon, the Dejarik holograms, space, the Death Star again (third time’s the charm!), Khan Noonien Singh, Mon Mothma’s vibrator, or maybe even the drunken podracer, Teemto Pagalies. You learned Teemto drank heavily before the podrace if you played the video game version of The Phantom Menace on the Playstation One.

That last sentence was a cry for help. Help me, help me, Obi-Wan. Don’t you have work to do? A child to hug? Maybe just turn off the internet and get out a piece of paper and write down some things you like about yourself.

This is my favorite line of dialogue from the prequel trilogy: “I am sending you to the Mustafar system in the outer rim. It is a volcanic planet, you will be safe there.” Safe on a volcano planet? Ha ha ha ha! I saw Revenge of the Sith in the theater three times! Why am I still writing this?

Anyway, I like lightsabers, pants, aliens, Lady Gaga, and sprawling space operas about good and evil.

I like that music when Luke Skywalker stares at the twin suns of Tatooine and thinks about his destiny. That one shot has made a huge impact on my life. There’s nothing like it. It’s sad, but there’s hope.

A lot of things in life are sad, but they’re so much better with just a little bit of hope. Even if it’s weird-space-farmboy-staring-into-twin-suns hope.

I hope there will be a moment even remotely like that in the new movie.

Maybe not, probably not. Who knows? I don’t know. Do you?

I like that photo of Mark Hamill and his beard. It makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time. A long time.

I have no news about the new Star Wars. Not even from a certain point of view.

No news, no facts. I just have hope. And that goes a long way. Thanks, Star Wars.

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3 Comments

Filed under Comedy Story

3 Responses to There Is No News About Star Wars In This Post But You Will Read It Anyway

  1. So you do not have the taboo about the word “skits” that second-city, and by extension SNL folks do?

    Oh, and with you on the hope, etc.

  2. I do, indeed, have an issue with the word “skit” in real life! I used it here for joke purposes. In real life, sketch seems to me like “an idea.” Skit feels like “something you do in the backyard for your parents when you’re eight years old.” But I used “skit” because that’s generally what I hear the comedy bits in between songs on hip-hop albums called. Jokes!

    #TeamHope

  3. Colin Claypool

    I was in a skit once. It was called “Adventures on Little Big Creek.” My sister, dog and I starred in it. My Grandma filmed it. I think my Mom still has the VHS.

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