Indiana Jones and The Death of Mystery

It is November 2015. As I write this sentence, Disney has released 18 more sneak peek shots of The Force Awakens. The Captain America: Civil War trailer is being analyzed frame by frame. Obsessive editors are busily scrubbing the Wikipedia entry for John Stamos to be deadly accurate. We live in a culture where KNOWING everything is the goal. I found myself thinking about how that affects us as a culture. And, specifically, how it affects something that leans toward the mysterious. How would it affect the rumored Indiana Jones reboot? I didn’t want to wonder. I WANTED TO KNOW. So I wrote this trailer for a new Indiana Jones movie, a movie called Indiana Jones and The Curse of the Reboot! Enjoy!

DEEP VOICE GUY
This summer, a legend is reborn. A beloved hero from the past returns. A hero who previously said cool lines like–

INDIANA JONES:
Nazis. I hate those guys.

DEEP VOICE GUY:
And—

INDIANA JONES:
It’s not the years, honey, it’s the mileage.

DEEP VOICE GUY:
And of course—

INDIANA JONES:
Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes?

DEEP VOICE GUY:
And since we own the rights to this one, why not throw it in, too?

INDIANA JONES:
Never tell me the odds!

DEEP VOICE GUY:
Yes, Indiana Jones is back to say all the same cool things for a new generation in a brand new adventure set in our crazy modern times. You’ll hear him says things like–

INDIANA JONES:
YouTube Commenters. I hate those guys.

DEEP VOICE GUY:
And—

INDIANA JONES:
It’s not the years, honey, it’s my Klout score.

DEEP VOICE GUY:
And of course–

INDIANA JONES:
Emojis of snakes. Why’d it have to be emojis of snakes?

DEEP VOICE GUY:
And let’s not forget–

INDIANA JONES:
Never tell me the full text of the iTunes User Agreement!

DEEP VOICE GUY:
Yes, it’s Indiana Jones and the Curse of the Reboot! Thrill to the exploits of this daring hero as he easily looks up the location of mysterious artifacts on Google Maps!

INDIANA JONES:
You want me to go after the Rod of Methuselah? You mean the ancient staff that gives the holder eternal life and a four hour erection? Well, according to my Samsung Galaxy, it’s in Canada.

DEEP VOICE GUY:
Yes, it’s a globe-trotting thrill ride of exotic locations recreated with CGI and greenscreen! All of which have been filmed in Canada!

INDIANA JONES:
Vancouver. Why’d it have to be Vancouver?

DEEP VOICE GUY:
But Indy isn’t on this Canadian rollercoaster ride alone! He’s got a young sidekick who’s going to scream his name throughout the entire film!

KID:
Indy!

INDIANA JONES:
What?

KID:
Indy!

INDIANA JONES:
What?

KID:
Indy!

INDIANA JONES:
What?

KID:
Why haven’t you accepted my invitation to connect on LinkedIn?

DEEP VOICE GUY:
BAM! Right in the four quadrant demographics! But that’s not all! Indiana Jones also has a love interest. She’s smart, tough, and at the very least a decade younger than Indiana Jones. And yes, that is despicable gender and age politics, but you keep coming to these movies so why should we stop making them like this? Anyway, she says–

KRISTEN:
So, Mr. Jones, is this all you ever do? Run around attacking people with a whip? Don’t you ever relax? Just sit back and watch Scandal on Netflix?

INDIANA JONES:
The only thing I got time to binge is adventure.

DEEP VOICE GUY:
Ohhhh! Did you hear that last thing Indiana Jones said? It’s the best line in the movie. We know because we’ve screen tested the shit out of it. That line is the one projected to become iconic to males with an emotional age of 12 to 16. Here it is again:

INDIANA JONES:
The only thing I got time to binge is adventure.

DEEP VOICE GUY:
But it’s not all fun and games! Indiana Jones must also have a lot of cool fistfights with a big henchman played by Dave Bautista whose character is also named Dave Bautista.

DAVE BAUTISTA:
I’m Dave Bautista! Time to die, Indiana Jones!

INDIANA JONES:
This looks like a job for punching!

DEEP VOICE GUY:
Wow! What a fight that will be! But don’t worry! Indiana Jones will win. Here’s a slight spoiler. He drives over Dave Bautista’s legs with a Prius, then throws him off the Golden Gate Bridge! And, yes, when that happens, there is a Wilhelm Scream:

DAVE BAUTISTA:
Awwwwuuuuaaagghhhaaa!

DEEP VOICE GUY:
But Indiana Jones’ troubles aren’t over yet! Because he still needs to face the big villain: Baron Cruel Von Ambiguously European!

BARON:
You know, Mr. Jones, we’re not so different, you and I.

DEEP VOICE GUY:
YES, WE ARE! YOU’RE A NAZI!

BARON:
Observant as ever, Mr. Jones! Release the angry birds!

DEEP VOICE GUY:
Yes, Indy and his friends are attacked by a literal pack of angry birds! Like actual pissed off animals with wings! But our heroes escape in a ludicrous, scientifically impossible way!

INDIANA JONES:
Quickly! Everyone use the pressurized oxygen inside your vape pens to propel your segways faster! It’s the only way to escape the angry birds!

DEEP VOICE GUY:
Yes, that’s sure to piss off Neil DeGrasse Tyson! Hopefully, he’ll write a blog about it and give us a bunch of free publicity. But of course, the beating heart of any good Indiana Jones movie is the thing he’s after.

INDIANA JONES:
Baron! Don’t touch the Rod of Methuselah with your bare hands, you fool!

DEEP VOICE GUY:
But of course he totally does! And then this happens–

INDIANA JONES:
Everyone! Close your eyes! A thousand vengeful bible ghosts just shot out of the tip of the staff and now they’re biting the nazis’ dicks off and lecturing them about family values!

DEEP VOICE GUY:
It’s social commentary but funny and irreverent because he said dicks! What more could you want? HOW ABOUT A BIG THIRD ACT TWIST? Turns out, the Nazi wasn’t the real villain after all. It was a giant, sentient boulder. It goes rolling after Indiana Jones while he yells this cool line–

INDIANA JONES:
It’s not a repetition, honey, it’s an homage!

DEEP VOICE GUY:
And then off course, Indiana Jones outsmarts the boulder by, well, just jumping out of its way. But there are STILL more surprises, like in the final shot of the movie, where you see a close-up of the Rod of Methuselah and a spider crawls out of it and you realize, holy crap, this whole thing was a set-up for the next Spider-Man movie!

INDIANA JONES:
My god…it’s all one big shared universe.

DEEP VOICE GUY:
That’s right, we just showed you the actual very last shot and line of the movie. I bet you think there’s nothing else to reveal? WRONG AGAIN, DUMB AUDIENCE! Here’s the surprise post-credits scene where Indiana Jones loses his shit, turns directly to the camera, and goes on an angry, post-modern rant about the quality of his own movie.

INDIANA JONES:
This is horrible! It’s all horrible! Not only is the movie awful, but you saw every beat of it in the goddamn trailer!

Look, I love knowledge. I’m an archeologist who has dedicated his life to the pursuit of the unknown. But that’s the point–the pursuit!

I used to go spelunking in volcanoes to discover hidden societies! Now the most exciting thing I do is try to drive to Santa Monica without using Waze!

Look, every waking moment is mapped, planned, previewed, reviewed, and post-mortemed. Well, here’s a hot take for you, sweetheart: if you buy a new iPhone, you don’t need to watch an unboxing video first. Thrill to the adventure of opening the damn box yourself!

You know that scene at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark where I have to close my eyes to avoid the horrific power of the Ark? That’s the way you should treat the fucking internet sometimes!

Yes, pursue knowledge and truth, but every once in a while, for God’s sake, just close your eyes and revel in the beautiful mystery of the UNKNOWN.

It’s like nothing you’ve ever gone after before.

DEEP VOICE GUY:
OH YEAH! Classic line said by a different character! Yes, it’s Indiana Jones and the Death of Mystery. That’s right, we just changed the title based on some polls conducted during this trailer. So get out your phones and plan your EXACT route, because Indiana Jones and the Death of Mystery is coming soon to a theater near you whether you like it or not.

INDIANA JONES:
The 21st Century. Why’d it have to be the 21st Century?

*whip crack*
*massive explosion*