Tag Archives: Daily Tweet Series

A Man and His Urban Myth Tweets

For just over a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, and now Urban Myths! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy April’s series of very important tweets about pastries!

Day One – If you read three correct facts in a row on Wikipedia you will die in seven days.

Day Two – The best way to get rid of the hiccups is to put a bag over your head. The bag MUST be full of bees.

Day Three – If you mix Pop Rocks with Crystal Pepsi and drink it you will travel back in time to 1992.

Day Four – If you feed an American some Poutine after midnight they will turn into a Canadian.

Day Five – If you say your own name out loud three times a life coach will appear.

Day Six – If you go more than 7 days without tweeting about Benedict Cumberbatch, twitter suspends your account.

Day Seven – The average person swallows 300 people dressed as Spider-Man over the course of their life.

Day Eight – If you say the name of “The Scottish Play” in a theater your pants turn into a kilt.

Day Nine – Every truck in Portland is a taco truck.

Day Ten – Dingoes do not eat babies. They love babies. Some of the finest daycare centers in Australia are run by dingoes.

Day Eleven – The Richard Gere gerbil story is ridiculous and untrue. That said, Tom Cruise once put an entire llama up his butt.

Day Twelve – This guy I know once opened a diet coke can and the whole thing was filled with actual cocaine.

Day Thirteen – There is a Taco Bell in Detroit that is owned and operated by a family of raccoons.

Day Fourteen – Benedict Cumberbatch is actually a charming, complex muppet operated by the ghost of Jim Henson.

Day Fifteen – Things you CAN pick up from toilet seats: butt leprosy, full-blown jerkface syndrome, a lateral lisp & toilet rickets.

Day Sixteen – Every time you take a selfie you are stealing your own soul and then giving it back to yourself.

Day Seventeen – Every three leaf clover is EXTREMELY bad luck so the whole world is pretty much fucked.

Day Eighteen – If you pull a normal person’s finger they fart. If you pull a rich person’s finger, quarters come out of their butt.

Day Nineteen – They tease you because they like you.

Day Twenty – If you yell “fire” in a crowded theater you will burst into flames. It’s a cool trick, but only once.

Day Twenty-One – Trader Joe’s Pinot Grigio wine is actually made from sugar and the tears of white people watching The Bachelor.

Day Twenty-Two – There have been mole people living under New York for 100 years but only because the sewers are rent controlled.

Day Twenty-Three – If you listen to any Michael Bolton song backwards you can hear Satan refuse to buy his soul.

Day Twenty-Four – If you hit Reply All to respond to an email your message will be sent to everyone you have ever had sex with.

Day Twenty-Five – Every time you hear a sad trombone, an angel’s wings fall off.

Day Twenty-Six – If you stand in front of a microwave you will slowly develop the power to shoot Lean Cuisine meals out of your hands.

Day Twenty-Seven – If you don’t change your Facebook privacy settings, Mark Zuckerberg can come to your home and poke you.

Day Twenty-Eight – It’s okay to pee in a swimming pool because the chemicals in chlorine wash away your memories of being a monster.

Day Twenty-Nine – Aliens landed in New Mexico in the 1940s and immediately started making great meth.

Day Thirty – If you have a smartphone and you go more than 10 minutes without looking at it, it will start screaming.

Day Thirty-One – If you watch any VHS tape, you will die eventually.

Your mythical friend,


If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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A Man and His Hey Girl Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, resolution tweets, and now Hey Girl Tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy March’s series of Urban Myth tweets!

Day One – Hey girl you must be a global energy crisis because I’m worried about you. 🙁

Day Two – Hey girl are you the Super Bowl ’cause lots of bros are eating Doritos & having strong yet uniformed opinions about you.

Day Three – Hey girl you must be cheese, napping, or Benedict Cumberbatch because I can’t stop thinking about you.

Day Four – Hey girl are you a desk set from Ikea because I can’t pronounce your name and I feel stupid about that.

Day Five – Hey girl you must be a blockbuster video because I can never go back to you and I still have some of your DVDs.

Day Six – Hey girl you must be Tom Petty because you have nice blonde hair and seem like you would be fun to have a beer with.

Day Seven – Hey girl you must be a dairy product because I want you but I can’t have you I am lactose intolerant. 🙁


Day Nine – Hey girl you must be LinkedIn because you keep sending me emails about stuff I don’t give a shit about.

Day Ten – Hey girl you must be The Hobbit: Part Two: The Desolation of Smaug because I’m not interested in seeing you. Sorry.

Day Eleven – Hey girl you must be poutine because you’re from Canada and a lot of people like you.

Day Twelve – Hey girl you must be an Oxford comma because you help me understand, process, and clarify things.

Day Thirteen – Hey girl you must be a horcrux because you have my soul but I also have six other girlfriends. I am a horrible person.

Day Fourteen – Hey girl you must be a gift card to Radio Shack because I have absolutely no idea what to do with you tonight. 🙁

Day Fifteen – Hey girl you must be Google Plus because I can’t convince any of my friends to hang out with you. 🙁

Day Sixteen – Hey girl you must be the red wedding episode of Game of Thrones because I can’t think about you without crying.

Day Seventeen – Hey girl you must be former United States President Theodore Roosevelt because I named a stuffed bear after you.

Day Eighteen – Hey girl you must be one of those blankets with arms because you make me feel warm and safe and you have arms.

Day Nineteen – Hey girl you must be an Upworthy article because I honestly don’t believe anything you say.

Day Twenty – Hey girl you must be a nice long nap because I want you every afternoon.

Day Twenty-One – Hey girl you must be x where x equals beautiful times the square root of smart divided by awesome I am very bad at math

Day Twenty-Two – Hey gorilla you must be autocorrect because I didn’t mean to call you a gorilla.

Day Twenty-Three – Hey girl you must be a fruity rum drink because you’re very sweet but I know you’re hiding something.

Day Twenty-Four – Hey girl you must be the norovirus because I can’t get away from you.

Day Twenty-Five – Hey girl you must be Harrison Ford because I like you even when you’re grumpy and don’t want to talk about Star Wars.

Day Twenty-Six – Hey girl you must be the iTunes user agreement because I agree with whatever you say so we can just move the hell on.

Day Twenty-Seven – Hey girl you must be. Cognizance of our own existence is a defining trait of humanity. I have a liberal arts degree.

Day Twenty-Eight – Hey girl you must be this joke structure because I really like you but I think we need a little time apart.

Your Hey Girl friend,


If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.


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