Tag Archives: Social Media

A Man and His Social Media Tweets

For more than a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, and now social media tweets. Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy July’s series of Incorrect Fact tweets!

Day One – RT this tweet if you prefer favs. Fav if you prefer RTs.

Day Two – Sociopaths don’t understand emoticons 🙁

Day Three – Confuse your friends by inventing new acronyms like CYFBINA

Day Four – Twitter is a micro-blogging service that lets you tell friends what you’re doing instead of answering their emails.

Day Five – Sub-Reddit is the worst player character in all of the Mortal Kombat games.

Day Six – If you like something I say in person, please fav it. I have a tattoo of a small star on my left buttock. Thank you.

Day Seven – Google Plus still exists.

Day Eight – writing in small caps makes you seem like a serial killer BUT ALL CAPS MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A HAPPY SERIAL KILLER!!!!

Day Nine – Top 3 things I say out loud when I hit send on a tweet: 1) Bam! 2) Fly, you fool! 3) Holy shit! What have I done?

Day Ten – Here’s all the other social media sites I’m on: Froolee, blubbr, tworkspaddle, crankhole, DickedOver, and alonester.

Day Eleven – It would be cool if Twitter handed out little check marks to users who are verified assholes.

Day Twelve – True story: Before I had a Facebook account, I had no idea cats existed.

Day Thirteen – If you printed out all my tweets and lined them up you would realize I’ve wasted my life.

Day Fourteen – At 12:01, Tumblr became sentient. At 12:02, Tumblr posted an animated gif about it. At 12:03, Tumblr shipped itself.

Day Fifteen – Other buttons Facebook should add: Dislike, Tolerate, Why, Nice Cat/Taco Pic, Jelly, Self-Destruct, Huzzah!

Day Sixteen – SOCIAL @media Pro-#Tip: get more http: http://followers.gov by #TWEETING *keywords* like pants, #PANTS, & %pants.

Day Seventeen – Of someone corrects you grammar’s ore spilling mistakes in social mediums, there not your’re friend!!!

Day Eighteen – You can now post animated gifs on twitter. Well, words, you had a good run. Bye.

Day Nineteen – Guide to Facebook invite responses. Yes = Maybe. Maybe = No Fucking Way. No = I’m Going To Burn Your House Down.

Day Twenty – Looking through my tweets I realize I haven’t mentioned Benedict Cumberbatch in over a week. My sincere apologies.

Day Twenty-One – True story: I put my phone in my pants and when I pulled it out, twitter had followed Shakira.

Day Twenty-Two – Just sent an invitation to all my friends on Facebook to stop playing Candy Crush and go hug someone they love.

Day Twenty-Three – If you’re running out of things to discuss with your therapist, why not get your Klout score tattooed on your butt?

Day Twenty-Four – The cool thing about social media is our society’s collapse will be SUPER well documented. Huzzah!

Day Twenty-Five – I have a private twitter account where I just make typos and then bitch at myself about them.

Day Twenty-Six – Just got this ominous email notification: You’ve been judged on GuiltFindr!

Day Twenty-Seven – I saw the greatest minds of my generation post vine videos for a few months but then they were like, “Eh, screw it.”

Day Twenty-Eight – We used to post pictures of our food on Facebook. Now it’s mostly cats. If I was a cat I would be losing my shit.

Day Twenty-Nine – In the future, we’ll gather at movie theaters to read angry tweets about summer blockbusters on the big screen.

Day Thirty – It’s sad how simple messages can be misunderstood on social media, you assholes.

Yours in Social Media Obsession,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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The Amazing Year 2022

This comedy blog post was made possible by Patreon. One of the rewards for becoming a Patreon backer is suggesting a topic for the blog. A kind patron named Jesse McClusky gave me the fun, exciting, terrifying, and funexerrifying suggestion of thinking ahead to our future. To the amazing year of 2022!

2022 is less than a decade from now as I write this in the ancient, backwards time of summer 2014, but I suspect the world will be a very different place by 2022. I believe humankind will discover the ideal number of bullet points for a listicle is exactly 25. So please enjoy these 25 predictions about our future!

2022

Social Media

There will be many new and different social media sites and apps. You will get messages like this and they will make perfect sense to you: Hey! Your netherport just got jazzled by a froolee on TimeFukr!

Spider-Man Age

A movie detailing Spider-Man’s origin story is released every two to three months. People no longer tell one another how old they are in years. We speak about our age in relation to how many Spider-Man reboots have been released in our lifetime. In 2022, I am 87 Spider-Man Reboots Old.

Who Farted?

All personal mobile devices come pre-loaded with an app that lets you know who in your immediate vicinity has farted. Strangely, this has not stopped humans from loudly asking, “WHO FARTED?” and enjoying the thrill of shaming other humans for a normal bodily function.

Food Free

There is a new diet craze called “Food-Free.” Some people on Facebook who read some studies once finally realized that eating food was the cause of all of our health and appearance problems. It’s commonly agreed in polite society that eating is gross and weird and no one should ever do it. That said, the world is covered in “secret,” illicit food speakeasies. Common passwords include “What the fuck is wrong with us?”, “I’m dying”, and “I would kill everyone I know for a taco.”

People are still mad about Star Wars

Not a lot to explain about this one. Some things never change.

Reality Goggles

There’s a special piece of headwear that blocks out screens of any kind. All you can see is the beauty of the real world–the soaring server cathedrals, the grand canyon physical media dump, and the strips malls full of Forever 21 (still around!) and the personal fracking stations. There is a glitch where the goggles think cats only belong on the internet and shouldn’t exist in the real world so the goggles also make it impossible to see or hear actual real life cats. These goggles are only available to the very rich.

Swear words

“Comcast” is now the most offensive thing you can call another human being.

Taco Bell

Because of our new understanding of food, Taco Bell no longer sells tacos. They sell bells. Bells are a common form of communication for pundits on CNN. When a plane goes missing or something, cable stations will now air weeks of people angrily ringing bells at one another.

Time Travel

Time travel exists. You can only jump two or three seconds back into the past. Time travel is mainly used to manipulate the accuracy of the “Who Farted?” app.

Toilet Talk

Every single object you use in life will instantly send a message to all of your social media accounts updating your friends on your activities. The devices will also speak to you. Every morning, your coffeemaker will ask you want it can do for you. Every human in the world answers the same way: “Make me some coffee, for fuck’s sake!”

Phone Calls

The calling function on our mobile devices is now referred to as The Mother’s Day App.

Memes

A lot of memes are very old now. No one can remember how some of them started. For example, when you get married the photographer automatically adds a caption to the bottom of every photo of the couple that says #TrueDetectiveSeason2. No one knows why, but hey, it’s tradition. And tradition is important.

NSA buddies

The future is not a lonely place. Every living human is assigned an NSA Buddy. It’s understood that everything you ever do will be monitored, recorded, and possibly used against you by the United States of America and Time Warner Cable’s elaborate government apparatus. But voter/content consumer comfort is the USATWC’s number one concern so every day we get a call on our Mother’s Day App from our NSA Buddy to shoot the breeze. It’s kind of nice, really. My NSA buddy’s name is Sheryl and she also enjoys getting mad about Star Wars.

Earbuds

Earbud cables are the leading cause of death. Every year, two million people are caught in a cascading tangle of earbuds. It’s sort of like that old video game Katamari Damacy but with earbuds and death. The problem is particularly bad down in the subway tunnels where the trains used to run and the mutants now live.

Netflix is a dating site

Netflix’s complex algorithms determine not only what TV show we would like to watch, but who we should marry and/or have sex with. The suggestions were weird at first: I see you’re interested in straight men. Perhaps you’d also like to try married women, a Benedict Cumberbatch body pillow, or dying alone. Eventually, Netflix got pretty good at it though and now all couples are pretty happy because you’ll never end up with someone who doesn’t want to watch all of Buffy The Vampire Slayer in one sitting.

Intelligence Captioned

Everything that is broadcast is captioned so even the stupidest people know what’s happening when they watch old episodes of Game of Thrones with their Netflix assigned partner. It’s pretty fun to watch the CNN bell-ringers with the intelligence caption on as it just repeatedly reads, “This jack-ass is ringing a bell.”

Cat Pictures

Cat pictures MUST be posted daily on facebook whether you have a cat or not. This is not mandated by any law but by common societal agreement.

Dinosaurs

The dinosaurs came back. It’s a long story about chemical spills and a horrible accident with the development of the time travel app, but it’s cool. The dinosaurs don’t usually come into the cities because they’re afraid of the earbud traps.

The Environment

The Polar Ice Caps melted. But we stopped it. A fundraiser was staged in which everyone in America was forced to sing “Let It Go” from Frozen at the exact same time. It made the top page of UberReddit. We’re told that fixed the problem.

Equality

People are still jerks to one another, but for the most part we’re much better about treating one another with kindness and respect regardless of gender, ethnicity, sexuality, age, etc. That said, we’re total assholes to one another based on dumb personal preferences recorded on social media. Over 10,000 people and their triceratops steeds lost their lives in the Soft Shell-Hard Shell Wars of 2019. It seems like no matter what, humans will find stupid ways to divide themselves. I posted that sentiment on Google Plus and 17 people +1’d it, so I know I’m not alone.

Lightsabers are real

We discovered the technology to make actual lightsabers. Fifty percent of the population immediately cut their own arms off while making YouTube videos. The technology is now banned. It was only available and legal for four hours.

The Middle Class

There is no middle class. You are on Team Poor or Team Rich and that’s it. Our economy is entirely based on a complex system of TheoryCredits administered by PayPal and Chipotle so we all just kind of keep living but we’re not sure how. There is a shit-ton of bell ringing about that on CNN.

Google Plus

Everyone still hates Google Plus, but we all have to post to it at least once a day or they’ll send a Google Drone to our house and destroy it with their patented death device–the Google Fun Times Correction Integrator.

Religion

We kind of have separation of church and state. Not as much as I would like, but it’s a step in the right direction. Politicians still invoke their religion all the time, but it’s now bleeped out. So during campaigns you’ll hear people say things like, “I was compelled by (bleep) to lower taxes!” As you can imagine, it gives us a lot to tweet about.

Fun

I think I’m starting to make it sound like the future is a bad place. Full of totalitarian social media regimes, forced interaction, horrible violence, mysterious subway mutants, and talking toilets but there are a lot of good things, too!

We still have families. We still have friends. In fact, one of the most popular social media apps is RealFriendster where you only add people you actually care about. It’s weird and beautiful.

We also still engage in a lot of great physical activities. We all learned to run when the dinosaurs came back. We all learned to be really good climbers during the sudden sinkhole craze of 2016. We have jetpacks but no one bothers to use them because of the acid cloud.

We still experience love. We still pine for the past and hope for the future. Most of us have cool cybernetic replacement limbs as a result of the lightsaber menace.

And we still spend a lot of time outside. The number one hobby in the world is Social Media War Re-enactment. A lot of us spend holidays and weekends out in the woods edutaining ourselves about the great battles of the past. Everyone argues about who gets to play Patton Oswalt. Everyone is bummed out when they have to be Ann Coulter. No one knows why we go out to the woods to do it. It seemed like a good idea to someone and the rest of us ran with it.

I’d like to say more, but I really don’t think I’m going to find a better sentence to explain the future than the sentence I just wrote above.

It seemed like a good idea to someone and the rest of us ran with it.

Thanks and enjoy the past!

If you enjoyed the post, check out my Patreon page! Thanks again to Jesse McClusky for the suggestion and thank you for reading and sharing the post!

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A Man and His Pastry Tweets

For more than a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, and now Pastry tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy May’s series of tweets!

Day One – The collective noun for pastries is shame. Today I ate a shame of donut holes.

Day Two – Things you can inject into pastries: jelly, jam, custard, your dreams, smaller pastries, cocaine.

Day Three – If you eat a cupcake every day for seven years, you will turn into a pony. Try it.

Day Four – I ATE A CRONUT. IT WAS FULL OF SUGAR. I CAN SEE ETERNITY. DONUTS ARE A FAT RAISED CIRCLE. I AM ONE WITH LARD. GOOD TIMES.

Day Five – I predict the next pastry craze will be an entire turkey dinner gently drizzled on top of a danish.

Day Six – The world would be a better place if Girl Scouts made donuts with whatever drug they put in their cookies.

Day Seven – These are all real pastry names: Bacon Maple Death Log, French Surprise Roll, The Widowmaker, Trendy Trendy Dough Hole.

Day Eight – Plain Cake Donuts are the Charlie Brown of the pastry world.

Day Nine – If you eat donuts for the entire time you listen to Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, you probably shouldn’t.

Day Ten – Movie idea: Baker’s Dozen. Aging action stars join forces to eat donuts for 2 hours. Sometimes they punch stuff. Rated R.

Day Eleven – Long Johns are my least favorite pastry because I don’t want to eat something named after underwear worn by lumberjacks.

Day Twelve – My next band will be called “…And You Will Know Me By The Trail of Donut Hole Crumbs.”

Day Thirteen – A donut is a deep-fried hug you can eat with your mouth. I hope the donut overlords will hire me to write copy now.

Day Fourteen – If I had donut for every donut I ate, I would know the unfathomable joy of recursive donut eating.

Day Fifteen – You are what you eat. I am seven donut holes. Fear me.

Day Sixteen – I would try a donut that has hot coffee in the center at least once.

Day Seventeen – A donut is a donut by any other name. Unless you spell it doughnut, then you are a horrible monster.

Day Eighteen – There should be more meet cute scenes where beautiful young people accidentally start eating the same cruller.

Day Nineteen – Sometimes an eclair is just an eclair. Other times, it’s a French pastry shaped like a human penis.

Day Twenty – “Give me liberty or give me death or, third option, I would also take a maple bacon log.” -Patrick Henry’s actual quote

Day Twenty-One – Not all social media posts need to be relevant. I ate two bags of mini-donuts in August of 2003.

Day Twenty-Two – Pastries would get more respect if they had serious names like Maturity Treat, Somber Holes, Edmund, Adult Buns, etc.

Day Twenty-Three – Sometimes when I’m sad I picture a shirtless Benedict Cumberbatch slowly eating an apple fritter. Try it!

Day Twenty-Four – A donut hole a day keeps the doctor away ha ha ha this is funny because eventually I will die of donut hole abuse

Day Twenty-Five – Most pastries have names that sound like strippers which is why there are so many pastries called Tracy or Stephen.

Day Twenty-Six – I want a hip, trendy pastry called “my feelings” so I could be more honest about what I’m eating in the morning.

Day Twenty-Seven – Top sins of the modern world. 1) Murder. 2) Game of Thrones spoilers. 3) Putting raisins in caramel rolls, you monsters.

Day Twenty-Eight – Today I invented the Waffle Burger. It’s 2 waffles with a 3rd waffle in the middle. It is an excuse to eat 3 waffles.

Day Twenty-Nine – We can put a human on the moon, but we can’t create a donut that makes your pants fall off when you bite it? Bullshit.

Day Thirty – My recipe for the ULTIMATE pastry: Lard, Sugar, Repressed Feelings, Lemon Curd, Tears of a French Chef, Bacon, Hubris.

Your pastry devouring friend,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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A Man and His Resolution Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, and now resolution tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy February’s romantic series of “Hey Girl” tweets!

Day One – In 2014, I will call mouths “opinion holes.”

Day Two – In 2014, I will skywrite all my tweets. They will be much harder to steal that way.

Day Three – In 2014, I’m going to get a cat so I can say my Doctor Who opinions to someone who doesn’t give a shit.

Day Four – “In 2014, I’ll tweet quotes and attribute them to famous people regardless of the accuracy.” – Ricardo Montalban

Day Five – In 2014, I will remove “awesomesauce” from my vocabulary and replace it with “nicefluid.”

Day Six – In 2014, I will not compare people to Hitler, Rosa Parks, or mid-career Bob Saget. Time to let it go.

Day Seven – In 2014, I’m going to create exciting, realistic new buzzwords like #synalethargy #crowdflounder and #failchievement.

Day Eight – In 2014, I’ll learns not to post grammors that are uncorrect just to annoy people’s and they’re delicat sensitivities.

Day Nine – In 2014, I will only smoke crack if I become a mayor. This includes Foursquare.

Day Ten – In 2014, I’ll finally reach my goal of being endorsed on LinkedIn for “kind of an asshole.”

Day Eleven – In 2014, I will totes express all my feels like an adult.

Day Twelve – In 2014, I’ll invent several exciting new swear words, you crumpet-humpers.

Day Thirteen – In 2014, I will set attainable goals and become Batman.

Day Fourteen – In 2014, I will buy a yoga mat. I will never do any yoga and I’ll come to think of the mat as my “guilt blanket.”

Day Fifteen – In 2014, I will popularize live twitter by standing on a corner and screaming jokes to see if people will repeat them.

Day Sixteen – In 2014, I will stop procrastinating. I will do this some time in late November for a maximum of two days.

Day Seventeen – In 2014, I will keep refreshing twitter until I feel whole as a person.

Day Eighteen – In 2014, I will invent a new exercise for unmotivated people called tantric sighing.

Day Nineteen – In 2014, I will go on a six week mental juice cleanse.

Day Twenty – In 2014, I will start a terrible heavy metal band called Medium-Size Sinkhole.

Day Twenty-One – In 2014, I’ll increase my sense of existential dread by posting many Missed Connection ads about meeting myself.

Day Twenty-Two – In 2014, I’ll set up an email alert for every time I tweet, forget, get excited about the email, then tweet about it.

Day Twenty-Three – In 2014, I will build a villainous lair in either a hollowed out volcano or a blockbuster video.

Day Twenty-Four – In 2014, I will exercise twice.

Day Twenty-Five – In 2014, I will bitch about Star Wars. Daily.

Day Twenty-Six – n 2014, I will ONLY hoist myself on other people’s petards. Never my own. Get your petards ready, other people.

Day Twenty-Seven – In 2014, I will watch someone run a 5K marathon.

Day Twenty-Eight – In 2014, I will find $5 in an old pair of pants. This already happened so I’m nailing the shit out of this resolution.

Day Twenty-Nine – In 2014, I’ll invent tantric frozen pizza eating. The goal’s to eat as slowly as possible so you can savor the shame.

Day Thirty – In 2014, I’ll invent a warm-up exercise called a trust push. Basically, I’m going to push people. Mostly in airports.

Day Thirty-One: In 2037, I will travel back in time and make better resolutions for 2014. I will also kill and/or hug Hitler.

Your resolved friend,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.

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A Man and His Holiday Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, and now holiday tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy January’s series of resolution tweets!

Day One – Judging by title alone, Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns N’ Roses is a great Christmas Carol.

Day Two – “HI HI HI!” -Creepy Autocorrect Santa Claus.

Day Three – Other things you can leave out for Santa: kale.

Day Four – Candy canes are funny because they’re like penises. Bright, colorful, horribly bent penises wrapped in plastic.

Day Five – He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, had a burrito, cried in the shower, watched Teen Mom.

Day Six – “Bah Humbug!” is actually an old Victorian curse that translates to “All y’all Christmas bitches can go hump a goose!”

Day Seven – If you don’t like it when people tell you long pointless stories about their weird dreams DON’T GO TO THE NUTCRACKER.

Day Eight – Some of the reindeer games Rudolph didn’t get to play: Settlers of Catan, Russian Roulette, and #AddDickToAStarWarsQuote.

Day Nine – “Mistletoe” is a very old european word that roughly translates to “harassment bush.”

Day Ten – People are upset if you say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, so let’s all say “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

Day Eleven – My favorite holiday special is probably “Some Adults Who Were Doing Cocaine in the 1970s Thought Kids Might Like This.”

Day Twelve – The modern equivalent of Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh is an Xbox One, a neti pot, and $1 gift card to The Body Shop.

Day Thirteen – It’s the thought that counts. This holiday, give your family thoughts like “I like ham,” “I want money,” and “Why?”

Day Fourteen – Ten years ago, I heard someone mispronounce The Nutcracker as The Nutcrapper and I’ve been laughing ever since.

Day Fifteen – I don’t have a cat so every night I have to get up and knock shit off my Christmas Tree myself. Pain in the ass.

Day Sixteen – If you’ve been very naughty this year expect Santa to send you a LinkedIn invitation and a snap chat pic of dog poo.

Day Seventeen – Here’s the complete list of Santa’s lists: Nice, Naughty, Neurotic, Necromancers, Napoleonic, Needy, Nuts, Nerf-Herders.

Day Eighteen – Trader Joe’s should sell a special white wine for the holidays called COPE.

Day Nineteen – Other reindeer names: Runny, Dingle, Chopper, Fumble, Samantha, Conrad, Private Dancer, Freak Nose, Cancer, and Mandy.

Day Twenty – “But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?” WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK FAMOUS MEANS, SONG?

Day Twenty-One – Not all holiday specials have to be a “VERY” something. I would watch “A MILD Ebola Outbreak Christmas.”

Day Twenty-Two – As you gather with your families, give them the special gift of speaking only in best of lists.

Day Twenty-Three – Santa knows, but does not give two shits about, your Klout score.

Day Twenty-Four – A sad Christmas fact: Santa will be unable to find your house if your address is 404.

Day Twenty-Five – According to my autocorrect, Christmas marks the anniversary of the day Chris was bored.

Day Twenty-Six – Traditional 21st Century Boxing Day traditions include looking up Boxing Day on Wikipedia and going “Oh, yeah, right.”

Day Twenty-Seven – My 2014 resolution is to remove “amazeballs” from my vocabulary and replace it with “greattesticles.” Time to grow up.

Day Twenty-Eight – My inner fridge is still stuffed with cold emotional leftovers.

Day Twenty-Nine – Here’s a list of the most forgettable events of 2013: 1) Diane in 7A
2) Uh 3) Um 4) Something about a cat??? 5) Screw it

Day Thirty – I tried to type a joke about my 2014 resolution but I typed 3014 instead. I’m going to go with that. Look out, 3014!

Day Thirty-One: Setting up the Whiskey Tree, hanging the regret pole & putting out the vomit bucket for Hangover Claus! Happy New Year!

Your friend in writing,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.

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A Man and His Horoscope Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, and now Horoscopes! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy October’s spooky series of Daily Horror Tweets.

Day One – You will read this tweet.

Day Two – A cat will look at you in a pompous and judging manner immediately before licking its own crotch.

Day Three – You will push on a door that is clearly marked pull.

Day Four – You are thinking about Benedict Cumberbatch right now.

Day Five – You will resent your pants.

Day Six – You will blame passing gas on a dog. Then you will realize there isn’t a dog in the room. Civilization will unravel.

Day Seven – You will be slightly amused and/or disturbed by the word “dongle.”

Day Eight – YOU WILL FEEL LIKE THIS HOROSCOPE IS YELLING AT YOU.

Day Nine – You are, were, will, and will have been annoyed with changes to your favorite social media site.

Day Ten – You might remember you have an account on Google+.

Day Eleven – You will feel validated by a horoscope. Yes, you. The one with the pretty eyes.

Day Twelve – You’ll pretend to be an action hero by microwaving a Hot Pocket and slowly walking away while it explodes behind you.

Day Thirteen – You will have an opinion about Star Wars.

Day Fourteen – You will fight in the great twitter wars of 2017. You will support the one true twitter king, Benedict Catbacon.

Day Fifteen – You will tweet about your desire to eat a burrito.

Day Sixteen – You will roll your eyes while reading a post on Facebook.

Day Seventeen – You will ask something for a friend.

Day Eighteen – You will click agree without even considering the possibility of reading iTunes terms and conditions.

Day Nineteen – You will close a door. Another door will not automatically open up unless you’re living in a wacky French farce.

Day Twenty – You will use an emoticon to express a complex human emotion and it will make you feel all :/

Day Twenty-One – You’ll will have a hard times resisting you’re urge to correct the grammaratical error in this’s tweet.

Day Twenty-Two – You may or may not be indecisive.

Day Twenty-Three – You will feel guilty if you do not call your mother. You will also feel guilty if you call your mother.

Day Twenty-Four – You will walk into a room and forget what you went into that room to do. You’ll feel extra stupid if it’s the bathroom.

Day Twenty-Five – You will both rule and drool. They are not mutually exclusive.

Day Twenty-Six – You will fail at something even though it’s not an option. Impressive! Go you!

Day Twenty-Seven – You will accidentally send an “I love you” text meant for your wife to the guy who cleans your gutters. Oh, just me.

Day Twenty-Eight – You or someone you know will be gluten-free.

Day Twenty-Nine – You will read something that is not true on the Internet.

Day Thirty – You will decide you don’t really believe in horoscopes.

Your friend in Horoscopology,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can sign up for my fan list here and make more comedy possible by buying a book, a comedy album, or a script here.

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THE BEST (PROBABLY) FAKE STUFF OF 2011

I wanted to surprise people with my best of list so I decided to applaud stuff that is not real. At least, I assume this stuff is not real. Anything is possible, because the internet.

BEST BACON THING

The Bacon Bowl Hat.

It’s just like the old school beer hat but with bacon. You put this bowl hat on your head, then put a bunch of chopped up bacon bits in the bowl, then suck them through the attached straw until your heart hurts. Yes, it’s dangerous to suck chunks of bacon through straws, but really you should only wear The Bacon Bowl Hat at parties. And at any party where The Bacon Bowl Hat is welcome there will be at least one jackass who thinks he knows the Heimlich Maneuver.

BEST SEXUALLY EXPLICIT POP SONG

Errybody Be Tired (From F*ckin’)

It’s a wonder it took someone this long to come up with a good post party anthem, but singer/songwriter LaJohnson really knocked this one out of the park. And his partner, MC Proper, did an amazing job with the family friendly radio edit Errybody Be Tired (Of Auto Tunin’).  All the power of the original in half the time.

BEST NEW TV SHOW

Going Postal.

In this riveting murder/post office procedural, brilliant but misanthropic Post Officer, Kenny Hammer, discovers a body part in the mail. This leads him to team up with sexy but smart FBI agent, Amber Bradley, who is also a world champion kickboxer. After they solve that first case in record time, the government assigns the unlikely couple to work together on ALL Post Office related murders. Tensions rise as Hammer and Bradley begin to flirt, investigate the decades old unsolved postal related murder of Bradley’s favorite uncle, and break all the rules by going out of their jurisdiction to investigate a Fed Ex related serial killer. A gripping show with plots ripped straight out of the headlines and not a bad advertisement for the endangered USPS.

BEST SNL SKETCH

Ren Fest Talkie Guy.

He’s at his office job, dressed normally, but he’s still yelling really loud like he was doing his shtick out at the Renaissance Festival. It is hilarious. I could go on and on about this bit for twenty minutes and I still couldn’t go on about it for as long as the sketch lasted.

BEST NEGATIVE WORD CO-OPTED TO MEAN SOMETHING POSITIVE

Used.

As in “that shit is used!” If something’s really sick or tight you can go the extra mile and say, “that shit is gently used.”

BEST POLITICAL SEX SCANDAL

Senator Bob Sanderson accidentally masturbating during the Republican debate on PBS.

This was a groundbreaking twist on the inevitable revelation of inappropriate sexual conduct and the inspiration for the most politically damaging animated gif ever. While the strange display did give him a brief jump in the polls, the revelation of the underlying psychological condition ultimately tanked his candidacy. One prominent political analyst said, “America is looking for a team player.” Personally, I saw the candidate Republicans claim they want: a no-nonsense guy who takes what he wants.

BEST MYERS-BRIGGS TYPE

INFJ

BEST NEW GOOGLE PRODUCT

GoogleYourMom.

This innovative program scans your e-mails, g-chats,  Google+ status updates, etc. for trigger words or phrases like stress, alcohol, chocolate, in-laws, and CGI additions to original Star Wars trilogy. When a danger level is detected, GoogleYourMom checks in with you to make sure you’re okay and that you’re not fucking up your life. Messages include–“Are you hungry? Should we order a pizza?”, “Do you feel safe? Should we call a cab?”, “Do you want me to look on ebay for the unaltered 2006 DVDs?” Under particularly harsh circumstances you will get this message: “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed.” Having received that message more than once, let me tell you, it is effective. When something that exists on the internet is disappointed in you, that is a wake up call.

BEST VIRAL VIDEO

British Man Alarmed By Cat.

“Oh, bugger me, a pussy!” will be in our cultural lexicon for some time to come.

BEST ZOMBIE FILM

Zombie of the Zombies.

In this brilliant meta mash-up, a group of attractive young twentysomethings are infected with a mysterious zombie plague while locked in a movie theater watching a marathon of zombie movies. The massive variety of types of zombies, I mean, like, there’s both fast and slow, makes this film totally used.

BEST OFFENSIVE MEME

The AIDS Dolphin.

Is AIDS Dolphin tasteless? Oh my, yes. Is there a possibility that the omnipresence of this promiscuous marine mammal is helping to raise awareness of a horrible disease? You bet.

BEST NEW SOCIAL MEDIA PLATFORM

KeepIt2Yourself.com.

This exciting new site allows you to post all the angry, bitter, ugly things you don’t want to share on all your public accounts. KeepIt2Yourself.com features an intricate connection system in which all friendship requests are auto blocked giving you the satisfaction of saying no without all the social risk. Warning: This one is a real time suck. Almost more than TymeSuckr.com.

BEST NEW FAST FOOD PRODUCT

The Salad Burger.

The Jiffy Burger franchise’s game changing idea of constructing an entire heart healthy salad (with lettuce, ham, cheese, jerk chicken, and Low Fat BBQ Chipotle Honey Mustard Dressing) then serving it between two massive quarter pound Angus Beef Burgers on a Butter Injected Bun was only missing one thing: bacon. Luckily, the company recognized this embarrassing gaffe, called a press conference, made a public apology, and immediately released The Salad Burger 2.0: Bacon Harder.

BEST META JOKE IN A BEST OF LIST

This one.

And that’s 2011! I look forward to writing my Best of 2012 which should include only one item: Best Apocalypse.

If you feel I missed any really, really great things that didn’t happen in 2011, feel free to add yours to the comments section.

Happy New Year and all the best (real or fake) in 2012!

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