Tag Archives: Turkey


As you know, James Bond is good at everything.

That includes preparing a turkey for Thanksgiving. Here’s how to prepare the turkey exactly how James Bond would do it.

ONE: Wait until a turkey is about to commit an act of international espionage and/or terrorism.

TWO: Confront the turkey and do battle with it. This must take place somewhere exotic that is also a high place. A skyscraper, moving train, or the Golden Gate bridge are all good options.

THREE: Murder the turkey in self-defense. Don’t make a quip about it. Show the turkey some fucking respect.

FOUR: Put the murdered terrorist turkey in your freezer until right before Thanksgiving.

FIVE: Have passionate, but emotionally distant sex. Not with the turkey, though. With a beautiful, exotic human person.

SIX: Take the turkey out of the freezer. Sit in a chair staring at it while it thaws. Sip vodka and keep one hand on your silenced Walther PPK in case the turkey comes back to life and attacks you. Stare it down with your cold blue-grey eyes.

SEVEN: Stuff the turkey with breading, exotic herbs, spices, and a lemon peel. Put some caviar in there. And a bottle of champagne. And a wrist watch for product placement purposes. Stick a radio in there to track the turkey just in case. Glaze the turkey with eight bottles of vodka to silence the screams of all the men you’ve killed.

EIGHT: Shake the turkey. Do not stir the turkey.

NINE: Put the turkey in the oven. While it cooks, wonder why the fuck you’re doing this since you’re British.

TEN: Pace back and forth like a caged animal while admiring your abs and waiting for the little button thing to pop out so you know the turkey is done.

ELEVEN: Remove the turkey. Set it on your table. Do not carve it. Put on a tuxedo, walk a few steps, then turn suddenly and shoot one of the drumsticks off.

TWELVE: Eat the turkey with an intriguing mixture of brute force and cold ironic humor.

THIRTEEN: When you are finished eating the turkey say out loud to no one, “THIS IS THE END OF EATING A TURKEY, BUT JAMES BOND WILL RETURN.”

FOURTEEN: Undo the top button of your tailored pants, sit down, and hum your theme song to yourself until you fall asleep on your couch.


This story is now available in audio format as part of my comedy album A VERY HOLIDAY THING. The album and the blog post were made possible by funding from Patreon. Thanks, patrons!

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