GEEK CODE

TheGeekCode

One of the rewards of backing me on Patreon is suggesting a topic for a blog post. The backer who suggested this post wished to remain anonymous.

Anonymous said, “I sometimes feel like a politician the way I wordsmith my partner’s interests and actions when talking to co-workers or family. So my suggestion is a how-to guide for introducing your geeky significant other to your non-geeky friends and family.”

Personally, I think we should all fly our geek flag with pride, but it’s not always easy to do.

So as you jump in your stolen Type 40 TARDIS or illegally modified YT-1300 Corellian Freighter to travel home for the holidays, here are several fun euphemisms for geek pursuits you can use with your family of noobs!

Collecting Star Wars Action Figures = Investing in Plastics

Playing Dungeons & Dragons = Taste Testing New Mountain Dew Flavors

Working at a Ren Fest = Camping with Benefits

Putting Magic Cards in Plastic Sleeves = Canning the Preserves

Playing Legend of Zelda = What if Candy Crush had a story?

Painting Miniatures = Mid-Life Crisis

Buying Comic Books = Participating in a focus group for the movie industry

Editing Wikipedia Articles about Star Trek Novels = Screaming at the Abyss

Shipping Hermione and Harry = Being aware that Tumblr exists

Masturbating to a Picture of Benedict Cumberbatch = Pilates

Okay. Reviewing the above, it’s clear some of my euphemisms are potentially more confusing/disturbing than the truth.

Here’s another tactic. Just get mad and yell at people. Personally, my patience for the non-geeky reacting with confusion and derision to geek stuff has been greatly eroded since, you know, geek stuff is now a massive part of our culture and economy. Here are some cathartic answers. They work best if you have an obnoxious relative named Steve who is also a dentist.

Who is Captain Marvel?

SHE’S A SUPERHERO WHOSE MOVIE IS GOING TO MAKE MORE MONEY ON OPENING WEEKEND THEN YOU WILL EVER MAKE AS A DENTIST, STEVE.

What’s a Doctor Who?

IT’S A BRITISH SHOW THAT HAS BEEN AROUND LONGER THAN YOU’VE BEEN ALIVE, STEVE. AND NO, JUST BECAUSE IT’S BRITISH DOESN’T MEAN THE ACTORS HAVE BAD TEETH. THAT JOKE IS STUPID AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF, STEVE.

What’s a furry?

THEY’RE PEOPLE WHO ENJOY DRESSING UP LIKE ANIMALS, STEVE. YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT SINCE YOU’VE BEEN COSPLAYING A HORSE’S ASS ALL NIGHT.

Okay, but what’s cosplay?

DON’T YOU WATCH CRIME PROCEDURALS? THEY’VE ALL DONE A COSPLAY EPISODE. IT’S LIKE THAT, BUT NOT STUPID LIKE THOSE SHOWS MAKE IT SEEM. IT’S AWESOME, STEVE. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE DRESSED UP AS HELLO KITTY DARTH VADER? CAN YOUR PUNY MIND EVEN FATHOM THAT, STEVE?

What’s a Skyrim, though? Is that–

DO YOU KNOW WHAT GOOGLE IS, STEVE? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YEAR IT IS? DO YOU WANT TO BE EVEN REMOTELY CULTURAL RELEVANT? OR DO YOU JUST WANT TO BE A TWITTER EGG PROFILE PIC OF A HUMAN BEING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, STEVE?

Anyway, that’s not an actual suggestion, more of a fantasy. An angry, cathartic fantasy that was SUPER FUN to type.

Ultimately, I think the best you can do is be wise, calm, and patient like Obi-Wan Kenobi. If your loved ones are curious about your geeky pursuits, just tell them the truth.

Even if that truth is from a certain point of view.

There’s nothing in the geek realm that isn’t as simple as this: It’s a hobby, a game, a television show, a book, a club, or, you know, A DRIVING FORCE OF OUR ECONOMY AND CULTURE.

Because when you get down to it, there is no difference between Pokemon and Fantasy Football.

Okay, Pikachu hasn’t been arrested anywhere near as much as NFL players, but there’s no reason to rub that in at the dinner table.

Happy holidays and Han Shot First.

Your geek pal,
Joseph

If you enjoy my comedy works, you can help make them possible by becoming a patron! Also, if you’re still looking for holiday gifts for the geek in your life, here are some geeky comedy things.

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GARDENING: Obsessed Ep 66

Actor (The Commish, Boston Public, See No Evil 2) and jalapeno aficionado Kaj-Erik Eriksen has strong feelings about gardening. Thrill to tales of the little jalapeno plant that could, the mega-pumpkin, and something called dino-kale. (Spelling?) WARNING: There is much talk of grubs being assholes. Be warned, grub fans.

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

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Joseph Scrimshaw Gift Guide

Do you like comedy? Do you like buying gifts in Special December Times? Did you come to this page on purpose? Are you answering these questions out loud to your computer? THEN YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE!

Here’s a quick guide to my comedy wares this Holiday Season!
Starting with A BRAND NEW COMEDY EP!

A VERY HOLIDAY THING!

AVeryHolidayThingD2

AVAILABLE FOR $5 ON BANDCAMP.

A holiday themed comedy EP! Thrill to six holiday comedy stories by me with music by the awesome Marc Doty. Stories include favorites from my blog like Batman on Jingle Bells, Adult Santa, and It’s Over, Snow.

The full album will be available in November of 2015 but you can pre-order it now and get the sample track, James Bond Prepares a Turkey.

Also this album was made possible by kind patrons on Patreon! Thanks!

COFFEE LIES!

IMG_4030 (2)

AVAILABLE AS A MUG, T-SHIRT, PRINT, ETC ON SOCIETY 6.

I made the above joke on twitter and my talented friend Lar de Souza illustrated it and now you can put it on your body and stuff!

FLAW FEST

FlawFestBandcamp

AVAILABLE FOR $10 ON BANDCAMP.

ALSO AVAILABLE AS A DRINK COASTER THAT TELLS JOKES IF YOU HIT IT WITH A LASER.

Flaw Fest is a double album of comedy and music. The comedy album is stand-up about all of my flaws as a human being. Fun! The music album is original songs inspired by the comedy album. Features songs by Paul & Storm, Molly Lewis, Bill Corbett, The Sevateem, John Roderick, John Munson, The Doubleclicks, Kevin Murphy, Mike Phirman, The Dregs, and even me.

“I am glad that Joseph Scrimshaw has the power of thought and audible speech, or else this very funny album would not exist.” – John Hodgman

COMEDY OF DOOM!

Comedy of Doom: The Book

AVAILABLE AS AN AUDIOBOOK, AN EBOOK, and AN ACTUAL PHYSICAL BOOK.

Comedy of Doom is a collection of essays, jokes, and stories about the wide world of geek including but not limited to Star Wars, Doctor Who, Jane Austen, and the sport I invented, Competitive Hugging. Includes an introduction by Bill Corbett of RiffTrax.

SQUIRREL LOGO!

ScrimshawTshirt

AVAILABLE AS A T-SHIRT, MUG, AND MORE.

This squirrel-centric Scrimshaw Comedy Crest was designed by Natalie Metzger and modeled above by Angela Webber of The Doubleclicks! It was also created as part of my Patreon project. Speaking of…

PATREON!

PatreonThankYou

SUPPORT MY COMEDY ART HERE FOR AS LITTLE AS $1 A MONTH.

Patreon is a crowdfunding site creating ongoing patronage for indie artists. Patrons pledge one monthly payment which allows me to create a minimum of one comedy blog post and two episodes of my podcast Obsessed per month.

NO MONEY HELPING!

LOLScrimshawMath

I understand money is tight for a lot of us because [REDACTED SOCIO-ECONOMIC OPINIONS.]

If you’ve read this far, I assume you are a kind person who likes my comedy and would like to help me out. Here are three things you can do that cost no money and only a few seconds of time!

Subscribe to my comedy channel on YouTube.
Rate, review, or subscribe to my podcast Obsessed on iTunes.
Join my email list on Fan Bridge.

Thank you very much for reading and Happy Special December Times.

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A Man and His Story Tweets

For almost two years I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, social media tweets, incorrect facts, slogans, and Conspiracy tweets, Spooky Tweets, and now Story Tweets Enjoy!

After almost two years, I’m taking a break from the Daily Tweets, but you can still follow me on twitter for important updates on shows, what I’m eating, and what I’m eating at shows!

STORY TWEETS!

Day One – Once there was a turtle who figured out he could get Netflix inside his shell. His head was never seen again.

Day Two – One day Cheryl woke up and her life was now a video game. She never found the cheat code to get out of bed, though.

Day Three – The year is 3014. Nuclear waste is everywhere. Every November, sentient mustaches grow awkward little men for charity.

Day Four – “If you don’t vote you can’t complain,” Ted said. “Let’s make a law to change that,” said Steve. Ted sighed. Fucking Steve.

Day Five – A woman traveled in time to 2017. She watched a movie trailer. It was the whole damn movie minus the post-credits scene.

Day Six – The new version of autocorrect changes every tweet to “This is a cry for help.” Humanity finally finds peace.

Day Seven – Once I was offered to take a cheese plate home from a party. I declined. I will regret this on my death bed.

Day Eight – You think you hear a sigh. You turn around. No one is there. You just met the world’s loneliest ninja.

Day Nine – A team of infinite monkeys are given typewriters. They immediately write a version of Game of Thrones where no one dies.

Day Ten – One day Carl didn’t see any pictures of cats on facebook. The seventh sign had come.

Day Eleven – Ed thought he discovered a time travel machine. Then he realized he just had no sense of time while taking a shower.

Day Twelve – After much research, David confirmed bears don’t actually use toilet paper. Once again, David’s television had lied to him.

Day Thirteen – Larry decided to read every article on facebook about simple steps to happiness. He is still there, reading and nodding.

Day Fourteen – A fan cuts a new extended version of The Hobbit films. It literally never ends. Bilbo dicks around until the sun explodes.

Day Fifteen – Phyllis invited her friends to her ambivalence themed birthday party on facebook. They all said responded Maybe. The end?

Day Sixteen – Once there was a non-terrifying clown. He didn’t wear make-up, tell jokes, or murder. His name was Steve. He had a Prius.

Day Seventeen – Here’s my one sentence James Bond slash fic: “No one can save you, Mr. Bond. Not even Bono from the legendary rock band U2.”

Day Eighteen – “No belts! No shoes! Laptops out! Keep moving! This is an Orwellian nightmare! Help me,” cried Mr. Honest TSA Agent.

Day Nineteen – Two men argued about the BEST James Bond movie. Because they didn’t know the word subjective, they argued until they died.

Day Twenty – Ed always danced like no one was watching. But the aliens were. They were not impressed. Way to represent Earth, Ed.

Day Twenty-One – One day, Carl tried to make a complete list of everything he hated, but the first thing was lists.

Day Twenty-Two – Lloyd discovered he had the ability to talk with cats. The cats mostly just judged his wardrobe and life choices.

Day Twenty-Three – Edna was going to make and sell t-shirts that said “Let’s do the bare minimum” but tweeting the idea seemed good enough.

Day Twenty-Four – Steve kept accidentally leaving words out of tweets. The words would randomly show up in other donkey mom burrito tweets.

Day Twenty-Five – Jerry tried to sell his soul to Satan. Sadly, Satan was only interested in buying souls in Near Mint condition.

Day Twenty-Six – Tired of family debates, Chad got a tattoo on his arm of an emoticon shrugging. He flashed it constantly and died happy.

Day Twenty-Seven – Once there was a magical land called Your In-Laws’ Bathroom. Many people hid there and, lo, there was much tweeting.

Day Twenty-Eight – Ted decided to skip Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. His new seasonal greeting Let’s Just Get This Over With was a hit.

Day Twenty-Nine – Sheila developed the power to read minds. It was like twitter without a mute button. Sheila was pretty bummed.

Day Thirty – Joseph thought about how great stories often have sudden and ambiguous endings as he ate a taco and THE END.

Yours in Narrative Fun,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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KNITTING: Obsessed Ep 65

Joseph has a special holiday chat with his wife–historic house expert, stage manager, dancer, and OBSESSIVE KNITTER Sara Stevenson Scrimshaw. Topics include but are not limited to baby sweaters, knit handcuffs, the crafting abilities of Star Wars characters, and marriage. Enjoy!

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

IMG_4146

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The Crumbsucker Curse

TheCrumbsuckerCurse

I love swearing.

When I was in 2nd grade, I attended a small Catholic school. Some kids had been swearing at one another on the playground. In response, the nuns came into our classroom and asked us to list all the words we shouldn’t say.

Again, for clarity, when I was in 2nd grade at a catholic school NUNS ASKED ME TO RAISE MY HAND AND SHOUT FILTHY CURSE WORDS AT THEM.

I raised my hand and tried out every combination my little brain could think of. I even tried out a few fun conjugations. I bleep. She bleeps. They bleeped. They have bleeped. They will have bleeped. They will have been bleeping.

Except I didn’t say “bleep” and thus a great fucking love affair with swearing was born.

Not only do I love swearing, I truly think it’s vital to the human civilization. The delicate balance of society depends on our ability to break the rules every once in a while. Some days, the only thing standing between order and chaos is a good “shithead.”

But even though I’m a fan of the f-bomb and all of our linguistic artillery, I’m troubled by more swear words than I used to be. Many of the classics are fundamentally rooted in sexism, phobia, and general assholery.

I have no intention of giving up swearing. But I want to strive to swear BETTER.

I find myself going to asshole a lot. It’s gender neutral. We all have butts. Asshole is the Batman of swear words. Brutal, efficient, and loved by all.

But sometimes even insults with ass don’t work. If I ever did a TED Talk, it would be called “Kiss My Ass and Other Problematic Insults.”

When you say “kiss my ass,” you’re basically saying, “I don’t like you. I find you untrustworthy. Therefore, I want to expose the most vulnerable, sensitive parts of my body and put them close to your teeth. That will show you.

I also have concerns about douchebag.

Because a lot of the douchebags who say douchebag don’t know what a douchebag is. They’re basically yelling, “You know what you are? I think you’re some kind of hygiene device with water and a hose thing and–I’m going to look it up on Wikipedia!”

I really did look up douchebags on Wikipedia and it was a fascinating read. As always happens when you look at Wikipedia when you should be doing something else, I clicked through to related articles.

I spent some quality time with the long article about bidets.

Let me tell you: Bidets are an overlooked fount of swear word potential.

Wikipedia told me “bidet” is a French word that originally meant “pony.”

My mind filled with the possibilities. I pictured myself back in 2nd grade, on the playground, dodging kickballs and screaming at other kids, “You’re a bidet, Chad! You’re a french toilet pony!”

“Son of a bidet” is also a pretty satisfying thing to shout at say, your iPhone, when it autocorrects “sweat pants” to “swear pants.” (I like the idea of special, magic pants you need to put on before you can swear, but that seems like a lot of fucking work.)

But even with bidet, we can get rid of the gender bias of “Son of.”

We can call people a daughter of a bidet, cousin of a toilet, or, my personal favorite, a child of a butt.

It’s ridiculous, but strangely cathartic. If you can, turn to someone near you and call them a child of a butt. It will improve your mood in no time AND you might make a new friend!

Along the fun lines of child of a butt, I think we can be far more creative and abstract in our cursing.

In 7th grade, I kept having a war of four letter words with one particular kid. One day, I strapped on my swear pants and called him something colorful yet stupid like a “big shit-tool.”

And he responded with this sentence:

“Oh yeah? Well, your mom lives in a Doritos bag.”

To this day, I have no idea what that means, but I still remember it.

“Your mom lives in a Doritos bag.”

It’s sad, absurd, and whimsical all at the same time. It’s like being insulted by a Wes Anderson film.

The Doritos bag memory has encouraged me to be more creative in my cursing.

Swear words should be easy to come by. They don’t need to be based on gender, sexuality, or horrible stereotypes to be potent.

You only need two things for a good expletive:

One: It needs to feel visceral coming out of your mouth. Curse words need a good damn mouthfeel.

Two: It needs to feel a little verboten. It needs to feel like something you maybe shouldn’t yell at a nun in 2nd grade.

I don’t have any nuns in my life right now, but I wanted to test out some words with an authority figure who would give me an honest response. So I made a list of visceral yet meaningless words. I called my mother and said them to her.

I worked my way down the list until one of them finally made her go, “Oh, geez.”

And I knew that was one.

The made-up word that made my kind, intelligent, Anderson-Cooper-loving mother go “Oh, geez!” was this:

CRUMBSUCKER.

One who sucks crumbs? Maybe? I have no idea what it means, but it sounds nasty as shit.

If the person you called a child of a butt is still talking to you, try calling them a CRUMBSUCKER right now.

The next time someone cuts you off in traffic, let that crumbsucker know how you feel about it.

When your phone changes “carpe diem” to “carpet denim” seize the moment with a big bellowing crumbsucker.

If you follow me on twitter, feel free to send me a tweet right now calling me a #crumbsucker. I will feel loved and the rest of twitter will be frightened and confused.

Go forth and crumbsuck!

And if in your travels, someone tries to make fun of you for shifting the swearing paradigm, for putting some thought into what you want future generations to shout at nuns in 2nd grade, then just zip up your swear pants and tell that child of a butt:

“Hey, you French toilet pony, your Dad lives in Wes Anderson’s crumbsucking Dorito’s bag!”

And once again, order will be preserved amidst the fucking chaos of being humans.

Thanks, crumbsuckers.

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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TENACIOUS D: Obsessed Ep 64

Comedy mastermind, Matt Belknap, producer of Never Not Funny with Jimmy Pardo and A Special Thing records, shares how his obsession with the comedy rock band Tenacious D led to his career in comedy. A fascinating tale of fandom, the early days of the internet, comedy in Los Angeles, online mini-golf, moms on message boards, and scat transcriptions!

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

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A Man and His Spooky Tweets

For almost two years I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, social media tweets, incorrect facts, slogans, and Conspiracy tweets, and now Spooky Tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy November’s series!

Day One – You get a phone call. It’s coming from someone who could have sent a text or email.

Day Two – Once, as an adult, I shopped at Hot Topic.

Day Three – Sometimes three white guys get together in a basement and don’t record a podcast.

Day Four – If you watch an episode of Doctor Who and don’t have a strong opinion about it, you will die in 7 days.

Day Five – The term “mouthfeel” exists and is in common usage.

Day Six – It’s possible that my home is haunted and I don’t know because the ghost is just a lazy ass.

Day Seven – If you look in the mirror and say your own name three times, you’ll realize you’re a fucking narcissist.

Day Eight – Today is the twenty year anniversary of twenty years ago. Soon we will all die.

Day Nine – Satan is only interested in purchasing your soul if it’s part of a GroupOn deal.

Day Ten – A remake of The Tell Tale Heart but the beating heart sounds like the car alarm on a Prius.

Day Eleven – Don’t be afraid: Zombies are more tired of us than we are of them.

Day Twelve – Ghosts are just dead people who can’t stop buffering.

Day Thirteen – The noise is coming from inside the building. The man has an acoustic guitar and is learning to play The Eagles’ songbook.

Day Fourteen – All Blockbuster Videos are now haunted by restless spirits that can never pay the late fee on their VHS copies of Titanic.

Day Fifteen – If you look at WebMD, you’ll think you’re going to die in seven days.

Day Sixteen – Once, I went 24 hours without seeing a picture of a cat on the internet.

Day Seventeen – In the future, people will fight to get little blue verified check marks on their tombstones.

Day Eighteen – Once, I left ear buds in my head for seven hours before I noticed I wasn’t listening to anything.

Day Nineteen – The bolts in Frankenstein’s monster’s neck can only be tightened with a little wrench from Ikea.

Day Twenty – Theirs a ghost in your house and it wants to correct you’re grammar.

Day Twenty-One – Once I went three days without asking anyone if they’d seen The Wire.

Day Twenty-Two – I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, vampires, spiders, burritos, discounts. We never stop screaming.

Day Twenty-Three – Before you die your life flashes before your eyes but it’s not in the correct aspect ratio.

Day Twenty-Four – Dance like no one is watching except a sad ghost named Toby.

Day Twenty-Five – Some of the things smartphones have replaced: watches, alarm clocks, mp3 players, books, family, friends, hope.

Day Twenty-Six – The mad scientist’s name is Frankenstein, the monster’s name is actually Chad Lonelypants.

Day Twenty-Seven – If you eat enough candy corn, your colon will turn into a mummy.

Day Twenty-Eight – We will never know which long dead British guy we’ve never heard of was the real Jack the Ripper.

Day Twenty-Nine – The most terrifying Halloween costume is emotional nudity.

Day Thirty – If you make a funny face, your face will stay that way. If you make two funny faces, you will become an animated gif.

Day Thirty-One – Things vampires can turn into: bats, wolves, mist, Diet Pepsi, a turducken, YouTube comments, ebola reporting, money. #DailySpookyTweet

Yours in Spooky Town,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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An Open Letter From A Ghost

GhostLetter

Dear humans,

I am a ghost and I can prove it. Here goes:

BOOOOooooooOOOOOOOOooooo!

Because all ghosts go BOOOOOOooooOOOOOOooooo, right?

WRONG. Ghosts have no desire to shout weird noises to frighten you. We just want your attention. Like you living humans, we just want to be HEARD. In a way, we’re all going BooooOOOOOoooooo all the time. The internet is nothing but BooooOOOOOOOOOOooooo 24/7.

Besides if we just wanted to scare you, we could say more terrifying things like:

AHHHHHHHH!
or
SON OF A–!

We could also shout terrifying things that are relevant to modern times like:

Not All Ghosts!
or
Technically, it’s pronounced JIF!

That’s right, ghosts are very well aware of animated gifs. We like comparing Benedict Cumberbatch to otters just as much as living people do.

Everybody thinks ghosts are all old-timie. Like we’re all just cartoons wearing sheets over our heads. Ghosts wear a lot of other things besides sheets. Things like:

Spanx.
Star Trek themed bathrobes.
Google Glass.
Some of us are furries.

And we don’t just haunt creepy places like castles, abandoned amusement parks, or the DMV. We haunt any place we have unfinished business.

I know a ghost who haunts a Chipotle because she could never afford the extra guacamole on her burrito.

Most old Blockbuster Video locations are haunted by people who never got a chance to return the DVD of Hotel Rwanda they rented in 2005.

The most embarrassing place for a ghost to haunt is Bed, Bath, and Beyond. I mean, it’s got all the sheets and the whole “beyond” thing. It’s just too on the nose. It’s like a vampire working at a blood bank. It’s just stupid.

But ghosts can’t choose where they haunt. That’s the main thing to understand about us: Ghosts are just souls who can’t move on. We’re basically souls that are always buffering. Do you how annoying that is? We’re like souls operated by Time Warner Cable. We can’t move on. We’re like your mom talking about how much she likes Anderson Cooper. We just will not let it go. Maybe that’s just my mom. She really likes Anderson Cooper.

The point is ghosts need all kinds of different things before they can go on. Sure, some ghosts need to figure out who killed them, but most just need regular human things. They want to finish that novel they were working on, see their kid graduate from high school, beat the Water Temple in Ocarina of Time, change their twitter handle back to their real name instead of Werewolf MacFartPants or whatever dumb Halloween name they died with. Normal human things!

Personally, my needs are modest. I died in 2006 in a small apartment watching the season six finale of Gilmore Girls. All I need to move on is to see Season Seven of Gilmore Girls. There have been twelve different tenants in my apartment since 2006. NONE OF THEM WILL WATCH GILMORE GIRLS! IT’S ON NETFLIX INSTANT NOW! HELP ME OUT PEOPLE!

So look for us! Pay attention! Unless you’re one of those Ghost Hunting shows. Screw those guys. If a ghost lives in your house and you try to watch one of those stupid shows, we’ll change the channel to a rerun of Project Runway. We will Tim Gunn your asses.

If you ever get the feeling you’re being stared at and judged, there’s probably a ghost in your home. Or maybe you have a cat. If you feel stared at, judged, AND like someone is putting their butt in your face, you are being haunted by a ghost cat. Yes, there are ghost cats. They mostly want their ears scritched, but that’s another story.

Or imagine you live in an apartment. Maybe you have important work to do. But then the lights flicker on and off. You hear a dial-up modem noise for no reason. You feel an overwhelming desire to drop everything and watch Season Seven of Gilmore Girls.

DO IT. JUST DO IT. YOU WILL MAKE A GHOST WEARING A STAR TREK BATHROBE VERY HAPPY.

With sincere thanks,
A ghost

P.S. BOOOOOoooooOOOOOOOooooooOOOOOOO!

If you enjoy my posts, check out Patreon and the kind patrons who make them possible. Also, please don’t worry about me, I have actually seen every episode of Gilmore Girls.

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HALLOWEEN: Obsessed Ep 63

Writer, vlogger, and self-professed “dorky goth” Nika Harper joins Joseph to obsess over Halloween. Topics include bats, candy corn, a hatred of the word spoopy, bobbing for things, monsters, and, again, bats.

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

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