Charming comedian and Canadian Will Weldon is obsessed with the TV show Entourage even though he pretty much hates it! To the point where we get pretty distracted and talk about Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and superheroes for a while. PLUS: both Joseph and Will mention things that make them cry. Enjoy!
Writer, humorist, and BuzzFeed editor Louis Peitzman shares his love of Buffy The Vampire Slayer. Topics include but are not limited to Buffy’s friendship skills, real life monsters, and whether or not it’s possible for a vampire to be un-sexy.
For the last few years, I’ve been writing down all the things I did that year to remind myself to stop beating myself up for not working hard enough.
I did work hard and do a lot of things this year and I’m going to reward myself with a much shorter, lazier post. Here are 14 things I’m proud of, happy with, and otherwise feel like giving myself a gold star for. For example, I think I deserve a gold star for not giving two shits about ending a sentence on a preposition. These are also not in any particular order. One of the other things I did this year was EMBRACE CHAOS.
Here we go:
1) I moved to Los Angeles. I love the city, I love the weather, it’s good for my comedy career, and it’s fun to live in a place where I can go to the neighborhood grocery store for ice cream and whiskey and see three different character actors who have been murdered by Jack Bauer on 24. Most importantly, I have yet to burst into flames.
2) I did a lot of stand-up. I’ve done a lot of different types of comedy performance–improv, sketch, children’s theater, working at Kinko’s–but I’m really enjoying saying comedy things into a microphone. This year, I performed at SF SketchFest, the Jonathan Coulton Cruise, headlined at Comedy Corner Underground in Minneapolis, a bunch of different geek conventions, variety shows with my wonderful friends The Doubleclicks, and performing on shows around town in LA. A highlight for me was getting booked on Ron Lynch’s awesome show TOMORROW. I was the first comic up and the last comic of the night was Louis CK. I’ve also been posting a bunch of my stuff to YouTube. Here’s a bit about objectification and soup recorded live at CONvergence.
3) Writing and hosting for WTFark. I did several stints guest hosting this satirical comedy news show. My favorite, by far, is this story about a monkey man which caused Huffington Post to quote me about monkey cults in New Zealand.
4) I shot an episode of TableTop with Wil Wheaton. If you’re not familiar with TableTop, well, hello and welcome to your first day on the internet! I hope you like cats! Seriously, TableTop is an awesome show, Wil’s an awesome host, and it was super fun to shoot. I played the game Concept and my episode should be out in early 2015. Until then, here’s a picture of me from the set!
5) I started a Patreon. The kind and generous support of my patrons has given me the freedom and impetus to keep creating comedy stories and essays on my blog, producing my podcast Obsessed, and unlocking fun, weird goals like doing stand-up dressed as a squirrel.
6) I became a Social Justice Warrior. Contrary to my assumptions, there was not a long series of arduous trials. All I had to do was speak up about issues of common human decency and equality! I’m particularly proud of this essay about what a stupid, inefficient insult SJW is.
7) I wrote another episode of Getting On with James Urbaniak. James’ podcast is great. In every episode he plays a different character who happens to be named James Urbaniak. I’ve written two other episodes, but this one was a special spooky episode released on Halloween. It features James playing a man who is both a motivational speaker and a werewolf.
8) I recorded an episode of The Dork Forest with Jackie Kashian. I’ve done a lot of guest bits on great podcasts this year–including Star Wars Minute, Feliz Navipod, Fire Talk With Me, Kneel Before Aud–but Jackie’s was extra special because she gave me a t-shirt. I’m thrilled to have got to know Jackie a little better. She’s an amazing comedian and a great podcast host and she let me defend the Star Wars prequels and didn’t even kick me out of her house.
9) I helped make Thanksgiving Versus Christmas happen. Thanksgiving Versus Christmas was my friend Molly Lewis’ awesome holiday special. Molly wrote all the songs, the awesome Josh Cagan wrote the book, and we performed it as a live show. I directed, played the narrator, and did a little bit of work on the script. Everything came together beautifully (Molly has an excellent wrap-up here) and it was one of those wonderful magic times where the show was even more than the sum of its parts. And the parts were all damn good to begin with. The show is available as an album and you can pre-order the hell out of it right now.
10) I continued being Obsessed. I continue to enjoy doing my comedy podcast Obsessed and to my delight, the listenership continues to increase! One of my favorite episodes this year was both insightful and horrifically funny thanks to my guests Tim Wick and Rebecca Watson. The episode was about CATS. Other favorite episodes included obsessions with Maps, Grease 2, Tiny Things, and Tenacious D. You can find them all on iTunes.
11) I continued to tweet a lot. I don’t know if I’m proud of that, but it’s definitely a thing that happened. Here’s one of my favorite tweets this year.
As a kid, I thought being a cyborg would be cool. I just saw a guy wearing Google Glass smoking an ecigarette. Illusion shattered.
— Joseph Scrimshaw (@JosephScrimshaw) May 12, 2014
12) Writing, writing, always writing. I wrote a lot of different things this year. In addition to some of the stuff mentioned above, I’m proud to be a regular contributor to Alice Lee’s awesome essay site Yearbook Office where I write about things like social justice and U2. I also wrote 30,000 words of a novel that I’ll eventually finish and I wrote three drafts of a sit com spec script that I’m currently shopping around. I also wrote this thing about Aquaman and got a thumbs up on twitter from the current writing team on the actual Aquaman comic book. Several of my (already written, thank god) plays were produced this year including Adventures in Mating, An Inconvenient Squirrel, and Stitch, Bitch N Die with more productions to come next year.
13) I started a show in LA called HOT COMEDY DREAM TIME. The concept of the show is that I get guest comedians and actors and they perform something they’ve always wanted to perform. In the show’s three month trial run, we created new sketches and bits with Hal Lublin, John Ross Bowie, Wil Wheaton, Dana Snyder, Mike Phirman, Greg Benson, Kim Evey, and Audrey Kearns. The show will be back in 2015! Details soon right here on the website.
14) I AM STILL ALIVE. Well, that took a sudden and dark turn. 2014 has, in many ways, been a rough year. There’s been a lot of brutal and pointless violence in the world. A lot of sad deaths in the world of comedy. Two friends from the comedy scene in Minnesota passed away suddenly in the last months of the year. Sometimes it feels like it would be easy to succumb to despair given how difficult and unfair life can be. But in doing something like writing this year in review, I look back on all the amazing, kind, funny, brave, gracious people I know–people I work with creatively, people I know in real life, people I only know on social media, people I see in audiences at shows who have done this insane incredible thing called leaving their house–and I feel very refreshed and inspired.
Thanks to everyone who has helped justify my optimism this year.
15) I ADDED ANOTHER ONE BECAUSE CHAOS REIGNS SUPREME. I also watched a lot of Netflix with my wonderful wife, Sara. We like Arrow a lot. Thanks, universe.
If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.
Author and charming human Amy Spalding shares her love of Swedish pop duo Roxette. Listen like a man! Listen like a hammer! (That is a joke about Roxette lyrics, I am not insane.) PLUS: I share the top 10 searches that lead people to my website in 2014! Also: I said in the podcast that my managers at Kinko’s were dicks. Only one of them was a dick. I apologize to my other Kinko’s managers who were awesome.
Actor (The Commish, Boston Public, See No Evil 2) and jalapeno aficionado Kaj-Erik Eriksen has strong feelings about gardening. Thrill to tales of the little jalapeno plant that could, the mega-pumpkin, and something called dino-kale. (Spelling?) WARNING: There is much talk of grubs being assholes. Be warned, grub fans.
Do you like comedy? Do you like buying gifts in Special December Times? Did you come to this page on purpose? Are you answering these questions out loud to your computer? THEN YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT PLACE!
Here’s a quick guide to my comedy wares this Holiday Season!
Starting with A BRAND NEW COMEDY EP!
A VERY HOLIDAY THING!
A holiday themed comedy EP! Thrill to six holiday comedy stories by me with music by the awesome Marc Doty. Stories include favorites from my blog like Batman on Jingle Bells, Adult Santa, and It’s Over, Snow.
The full album will be available in November of 2015 but you can pre-order it now and get the sample track, James Bond Prepares a Turkey.
Also this album was made possible by kind patrons on Patreon! Thanks!
I made the above joke on twitter and my talented friend Lar de Souza illustrated it and now you can put it on your body and stuff!
Flaw Fest is a double album of comedy and music. The comedy album is stand-up about all of my flaws as a human being. Fun! The music album is original songs inspired by the comedy album. Features songs by Paul & Storm, Molly Lewis, Bill Corbett, The Sevateem, John Roderick, John Munson, The Doubleclicks, Kevin Murphy, Mike Phirman, The Dregs, and even me.
“I am glad that Joseph Scrimshaw has the power of thought and audible speech, or else this very funny album would not exist.” – John Hodgman
COMEDY OF DOOM!
Comedy of Doom is a collection of essays, jokes, and stories about the wide world of geek including but not limited to Star Wars, Doctor Who, Jane Austen, and the sport I invented, Competitive Hugging. Includes an introduction by Bill Corbett of RiffTrax.
Patreon is a crowdfunding site creating ongoing patronage for indie artists. Patrons pledge one monthly payment which allows me to create a minimum of one comedy blog post and two episodes of my podcast Obsessed per month.
NO MONEY HELPING!
I understand money is tight for a lot of us because [REDACTED SOCIO-ECONOMIC OPINIONS.]
If you’ve read this far, I assume you are a kind person who likes my comedy and would like to help me out. Here are three things you can do that cost no money and only a few seconds of time!
Thank you very much for reading and Happy Special December Times.
For almost two years I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, resolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, social media tweets, incorrect facts, slogans, and Conspiracy tweets, Spooky Tweets, and now Story Tweets Enjoy!
After almost two years, I’m taking a break from the Daily Tweets, but you can still follow me on twitter for important updates on shows, what I’m eating, and what I’m eating at shows!
Day One – Once there was a turtle who figured out he could get Netflix inside his shell. His head was never seen again.
Day Two – One day Cheryl woke up and her life was now a video game. She never found the cheat code to get out of bed, though.
Day Three – The year is 3014. Nuclear waste is everywhere. Every November, sentient mustaches grow awkward little men for charity.
Day Four – “If you don’t vote you can’t complain,” Ted said. “Let’s make a law to change that,” said Steve. Ted sighed. Fucking Steve.
Day Five – A woman traveled in time to 2017. She watched a movie trailer. It was the whole damn movie minus the post-credits scene.
Day Six – The new version of autocorrect changes every tweet to “This is a cry for help.” Humanity finally finds peace.
Day Seven – Once I was offered to take a cheese plate home from a party. I declined. I will regret this on my death bed.
Day Eight – You think you hear a sigh. You turn around. No one is there. You just met the world’s loneliest ninja.
Day Nine – A team of infinite monkeys are given typewriters. They immediately write a version of Game of Thrones where no one dies.
Day Ten – One day Carl didn’t see any pictures of cats on facebook. The seventh sign had come.
Day Eleven – Ed thought he discovered a time travel machine. Then he realized he just had no sense of time while taking a shower.
Day Twelve – After much research, David confirmed bears don’t actually use toilet paper. Once again, David’s television had lied to him.
Day Thirteen – Larry decided to read every article on facebook about simple steps to happiness. He is still there, reading and nodding.
Day Fourteen – A fan cuts a new extended version of The Hobbit films. It literally never ends. Bilbo dicks around until the sun explodes.
Day Fifteen – Phyllis invited her friends to her ambivalence themed birthday party on facebook. They all said responded Maybe. The end?
Day Sixteen – Once there was a non-terrifying clown. He didn’t wear make-up, tell jokes, or murder. His name was Steve. He had a Prius.
Day Seventeen – Here’s my one sentence James Bond slash fic: “No one can save you, Mr. Bond. Not even Bono from the legendary rock band U2.”
Day Eighteen – “No belts! No shoes! Laptops out! Keep moving! This is an Orwellian nightmare! Help me,” cried Mr. Honest TSA Agent.
Day Nineteen – Two men argued about the BEST James Bond movie. Because they didn’t know the word subjective, they argued until they died.
Day Twenty – Ed always danced like no one was watching. But the aliens were. They were not impressed. Way to represent Earth, Ed.
Day Twenty-One – One day, Carl tried to make a complete list of everything he hated, but the first thing was lists.
Day Twenty-Two – Lloyd discovered he had the ability to talk with cats. The cats mostly just judged his wardrobe and life choices.
Day Twenty-Three – Edna was going to make and sell t-shirts that said “Let’s do the bare minimum” but tweeting the idea seemed good enough.
Day Twenty-Four – Steve kept accidentally leaving words out of tweets. The words would randomly show up in other donkey mom burrito tweets.
Day Twenty-Five – Jerry tried to sell his soul to Satan. Sadly, Satan was only interested in buying souls in Near Mint condition.
Day Twenty-Six – Tired of family debates, Chad got a tattoo on his arm of an emoticon shrugging. He flashed it constantly and died happy.
Day Twenty-Seven – Once there was a magical land called Your In-Laws’ Bathroom. Many people hid there and, lo, there was much tweeting.
Day Twenty-Eight – Ted decided to skip Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. His new seasonal greeting Let’s Just Get This Over With was a hit.
Day Twenty-Nine – Sheila developed the power to read minds. It was like twitter without a mute button. Sheila was pretty bummed.
Day Thirty – Joseph thought about how great stories often have sudden and ambiguous endings as he ate a taco and THE END.
Yours in Narrative Fun,
If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.
Joseph has a special holiday chat with his wife–historic house expert, stage manager, dancer, and OBSESSIVE KNITTER Sara Stevenson Scrimshaw. Topics include but are not limited to baby sweaters, knit handcuffs, the crafting abilities of Star Wars characters, and marriage. Enjoy!