Digital artist and writer Andrew Koehler HAS THE POWER! And the obsession with He-Man and Masters of the Universe or as we call it “marvelous crap.” Thrill to such important questions as: Why are all the characters half-naked? What’s a He-Man convention like? Could there be a great HBO He-Man reboot? Why should He-Man smell like Popeye’s Chicken? PLUS a He-Man specific commercial for Joseph’s Patreon!
For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, resolution tweets, and now Hey Girl Tweets! Enjoy!
You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy March’s series of Urban Myth tweets!
Day One – Hey girl you must be a global energy crisis because I’m worried about you.
Day Two – Hey girl are you the Super Bowl ’cause lots of bros are eating Doritos & having strong yet uniformed opinions about you.
Day Three – Hey girl you must be cheese, napping, or Benedict Cumberbatch because I can’t stop thinking about you.
Day Four – Hey girl are you a desk set from Ikea because I can’t pronounce your name and I feel stupid about that.
Day Five – Hey girl you must be a blockbuster video because I can never go back to you and I still have some of your DVDs.
Day Six – Hey girl you must be Tom Petty because you have nice blonde hair and seem like you would be fun to have a beer with.
Day Seven – Hey girl you must be a dairy product because I want you but I can’t have you I am lactose intolerant.
Day Eight – HEY GIRL YOU MUST BE ALL CAPS BECAUSE I CAN’T TELL IF YOU’RE EXCITED OR ANGRY ALSO I AM EMOTIONALLY TONE DEAF
Day Nine – Hey girl you must be LinkedIn because you keep sending me emails about stuff I don’t give a shit about.
Day Ten – Hey girl you must be The Hobbit: Part Two: The Desolation of Smaug because I’m not interested in seeing you. Sorry.
Day Eleven – Hey girl you must be poutine because you’re from Canada and a lot of people like you.
Day Twelve – Hey girl you must be an Oxford comma because you help me understand, process, and clarify things.
Day Thirteen – Hey girl you must be a horcrux because you have my soul but I also have six other girlfriends. I am a horrible person.
Day Fourteen – Hey girl you must be a gift card to Radio Shack because I have absolutely no idea what to do with you tonight.
Day Fifteen – Hey girl you must be Google Plus because I can’t convince any of my friends to hang out with you.
Day Sixteen – Hey girl you must be the red wedding episode of Game of Thrones because I can’t think about you without crying.
Day Seventeen – Hey girl you must be former United States President Theodore Roosevelt because I named a stuffed bear after you.
Day Eighteen – Hey girl you must be one of those blankets with arms because you make me feel warm and safe and you have arms.
Day Nineteen – Hey girl you must be an Upworthy article because I honestly don’t believe anything you say.
Day Twenty – Hey girl you must be a nice long nap because I want you every afternoon.
Day Twenty-One – Hey girl you must be x where x equals beautiful times the square root of smart divided by awesome I am very bad at math
Day Twenty-Two – Hey gorilla you must be autocorrect because I didn’t mean to call you a gorilla.
Day Twenty-Three – Hey girl you must be a fruity rum drink because you’re very sweet but I know you’re hiding something.
Day Twenty-Four – Hey girl you must be the norovirus because I can’t get away from you.
Day Twenty-Five – Hey girl you must be Harrison Ford because I like you even when you’re grumpy and don’t want to talk about Star Wars.
Day Twenty-Six – Hey girl you must be the iTunes user agreement because I agree with whatever you say so we can just move the hell on.
Day Twenty-Seven – Hey girl you must be. Cognizance of our own existence is a defining trait of humanity. I have a liberal arts degree.
Day Twenty-Eight – Hey girl you must be this joke structure because I really like you but I think we need a little time apart.
Your Hey Girl friend,
If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.
I hear people say–with alarming frequency–that they want politicians who are “regular people.” Presidents, governors, mayors who spend their time and energy thinking about the things regular folks do. You know, important stuff like burritos, vampires, and animated gifs of llamas that look like Tom Hiddleston. In that spirit, here’s a heated debate between two politicians about a subject near and dear to our hearts: Which popular animal is better? Cats or dinosaurs? Enjoy!
Friends. Neighbors. Pet lovers. I’m a simple man. With a simple belief. Yes. I said belief. I only have one. And it is this: CATS ARE AWESOME.
I intend to prove this with a simple mnemonic device. The three C’s. Cats are cute. Cats are cuddly. Cats will lick their own crotches while staring at you with judgment in their eyes. That IS bold. Over the course of this debate, I will ask you to remember the three C’s. Cute. Cuddly. Crotch licking. It’s just that simple, America.
With respect to my opponent, Dinosaurs have everything that cats have and much more.
Take for example the mighty Tyrannosaurus Rex. Is a T-Rex cute? Yes, they have those tiny adorable little arms. Just imagine them doing things like opening a jar of peanut butter or smoking a little eCigarette. How cute is that?
Is a T-Rex cuddly? Yes. A T-Rex would give anyone a giant hug. WITH ITS MOUTH. Because it is the best predator the world has ever known.
Now I am the first to admit, and I’m on record with this, a T-Rex cannot lick its own crotch. But there are several dinosaurs who can. Take for example, the diplodocus. With a neck almost twenty feet long there is frankly nothing it could not lick. There are thousands of different cool dinosaurs, but a cat is just a cat.
You son of a bitch. There are millions of different kinds of cats.
There are sassy pants cats. Cutie-pie cats. Cool customer cats. Cats who like their bellies rubbed and cats who like their ears scritched.
Why, sir, there is a whole different group of cats you might have heard of called KITTENS. They’re like normal cats but more potent. They are the crack cocaine of the cat world. They are WEAPONIZED CUTE.
You bastard person. It is an insult to America to describe a kitten as a weapon. You want to talk about weapons?
Let’s talk about the pachycephalosaurus. It’s skull was ten inches thick. And I ask you what is more American than an animal that is specifically designed to resolve problems by repeatedly bashing it’s head against stuff?
Why, just one pachycephalosaurus could defeat entire communities of cats by smacking them with its head. A cat would pop up and whack! It would be the most beautiful and disturbing game of whack-a-mole the world has ever seen.
I do not agree, I do not agree. Any cat could beat any dinosaur in a fight and I will tell you how. The cats would wait. They would wait just a few million years. And the dinosaur would turn into a bird. And the cat would eat it. And I would take a picture of that and put it on facebook and all of my friends would like it.
Look, let’s talk common sense. Dinosaurs don’t even have to fight cats. The cats of today are defeating themselves with their rampant abuse of the street drug commonly known as catnip.
Hey, I make no argument that catnip is a major issue in the cat community. But the drug abuse is just a symptom of larger economic and class issues.
That said, many of our most famous cats have resisted the siren call of this deadly narcotic. Garfield. Hello Kitty. The Hang In There Cat from the motivational poster. I ask you, sir, what would a dinosaur themed motivational poster say? Hang In There Until We All Get Killed By A Giant Rock?
That is uncalled for, sir. But I have come to expect such uncivilized attacks from someone who loves such an uncivilized animal as a cat.
Uncivilized? CATS POOP IN A BOX. Where did dinosaurs poop? Literally everywhere! Montana! China! The middle of an Ikea store! Doesn’t matter to a dinosaur!
Yes! Yes! Dinosaurs did indeed poop everywhere. GIVING US FOSSIL FUELS!
That is dubious science at best, sir!
America, when you get in your car and drive yourself to the hospital after you have contracted toxoplasmosis or some other disease from cat poop, remember your car is running on ancient dinosaur shit and say, “Thanks, dinosaurs! Thank you for pooping everywhere! And no thanks, cats, for all the horrible diseases!”
Cats do not give humans diseases!
Cats have given human society one of the most dangerous social diseases of our time. I am of course speaking of Cat Ladies. Strange, agoraphobic hoarders who collect cats like they were Pokemon trading cards.
Well, Dinosaurs have also created a menace to polite human society.
What? What menace?
What the hell is a Dinosaur Kid?
A Dinosaur Kid is a normally sweet, polite child who will absolutely LOSE THEIR SHIT if an adult says one mildly incorrect fact about a dinosaur.
That is a slanderous stereotype!
Why, even adult fans of dinosaurs can’t stop themselves from shouting obnoxious pedantic corrections about dinosaur factoids. For example if I said something like a triceratops had four horns! All located on its buttocks!
Or did you know that a brontosaurus ate only meat and was actually covered with a thick layer of sequins? Yes, everyone knows the brontosaurus was basically a giant meat-loving showgirl!
And the velociraptor? Oh boy, the velociraptor was the biggest dinosaur of them all! It was eight thousand feet tall! It had seventeen tails! It had claws for eyelashes! It only ate marijuana plants and as a result velociraptors pooped Grateful Dead CDs! PLUS velocirptors always wore fedoras!
Stop it! Stop it! You monster!
There’s no reason to be oversensitive. Be like a cat and play it cool.
GARFIELD IS STUPID. IT’S A TERRIBLE CARTOON. IT’S ABOUT A CAT WHO EATS LASAGNA. IT’S AN ADVERTISEMENT FOR HEART DISEASE. IT’S A BETTER CARTOON WITHOUT THE CAT IN IT. DOES THAT UPSET YOU? WHY DON’T YOU JUST “HANG IN THERE”?
Hey! Hey! Too far! Too far!
You’re right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That was unfair. Look, we’ve both said some hurtful things. Let’s just call a truce. I admit there are many cool things about cats.
And I concede that not all dinosaurs were great big stupid heads.
In fact, I would like to reach across the aisle and say the best animal of all would be a monstrous cat-dinosaur hybrid.
Indeed. A compromise is exactly what America deserves.
A compromise in the form of a giant, furry, Tyrannosaurs Kitty Rex. It would be cute and clever.
It would poop in a box!
It would have a skull at least two miles miles thick!
And as god is my witness, it would find a way to lick its own crotch.
CAT GUY and DINOSAUR GUY:
This comedy blog post is made possible by kind comedy patrons! You can make more comedy possible and get fabulous rewards by pledging on Patreon!
Singer, songwriter, theater producer, and real life bard Dennis Curley (who previously appeared on the Role-Playing Game special) is ALMOST BUT NOT QUITE OBSESSED with John Denver. Thrill to such sincere questions as: Was John Denver an alien? What was his money note? Would you like actual life guidance from a dolphin? Is filking okay? What would a John Denver song about cutting a bed in half sound like? How many times will we talk about Dungeons & Dragons during this John Denver podcast? PLUS a John Denver specific commercial for a new Patreon page!
Big life news!
After many years of calling Minneapolis home, my wonderful wife Sara Stevenson Scrimshaw and I are moving to Los Angeles. Los Angeles, California. I don’t know if there is a Los Angeles in Ohio or Cambodia or any other place, but we’re not moving there, we’re moving to Los Angeles, California.
Below is an FAQ. These are questions I’ve frequently been asking myself about the move. If you think you might enjoy reading my (frankly pretty informative) inner dialogue, then please continue reading!
Q: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
A: There are many reasons. When Sara and I first got married we agreed we wanted to try living different places. We did a pretty good job of that by living in TWO DIFFERENT PLACES in South Minneapolis, but it’s time for a real change.
Sara is interested in exploring new job opportunities.
After a lot of visits and investigation, I’m convinced Los Angeles, California is the best place to pursue the kind of comedy performance and comedy writing that makes me happy.
Also, I really do want to break-up with snow.
Q: BUT ISN’T MINNEAPOLIS AWESOME?
A: Yes, yes, it is. Saint Paul is not bad, either. When I was a little kid my parents had a pack of playing cards with a picture of the IDS, the big blue skyscraper in the middle of Downtown Minneapolis. At the time we lived in Brainerd–also known as “The Paris of Northern Minnesota.”
I was fascinated by that big blue, sci-fi looking building. I wanted to go to the big city and be a part of things. Years later, I worked in the IDS building at Kinko’s. I’ve done a show on the 50th floor. I’ve been on dates, laughed with friends, had a homeless guy say he would like to shoot me but couldn’t afford a gun–all in that building.
When I see the IDS all of this flashes through my mind. To me, it’s Minneapolis. It’s been a part of me since my earliest memories and it always will be.
But it’s time to check out some other skyscrapers.
Q: THAT’S ALL NICE AND ROMANTIC–WAY TO USE YOUR LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE–BUT WHEN ARE YOU ACTUALLY MOVING?
A: We’ll be making the transition–going back and forth a little bit–over the next several weeks with the goal to be all settled in Los Angeles, California by the end of March.
Q: WILL YOU EVER BE BACK IN MINNEAPOLIS?
A: Yes, thanks for that nice segue. I’ll be back in July to perform at CONvergence. Check the LIVE SHOWS section of this very website for details on this and other shows across the country.
Q: DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LOS ANGELES?
A: Yes. I’ve been there several times and I’m lucky enough to know a lot of cool people. I look forward to hanging out and doing fun weird creative things with friends, fellow performers, writers, and all of their small, adorable dogs. Plus, I’ve watched every season of 24 so I know it only takes 5 to 15 minutes to drive anywhere in the metro area.
Q: WILL YOU BECOME A TOTALLY PRO-WEST COAST GUY OR WILL YOU BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO LIVES IN LOS ANGELES BUT CONSTANTLY TALKS ABOUT HOW GREAT THE MIDWEST IS?
A: All I can say for sure is that I will make fun of both places equally.
Q: WHEN WILL YOU DO YOUR FIRST JUICE CLEANSE?
A: When it snows in Los Angeles.
I think that’s it! Thanks for reading and thanks for your support during this weird transitional time.
Joseph “I’m really done with snow” Scrimshaw
If you enjoy my blog posts, you can make more possible by supporting me on Patreon!
To celebrate Valentine’s Day, I’ve crafted a piece of extremely erotic slam poetry. If at all possible you should read it to yourself while sipping whiskey and listening to sultry jazz spin on your turntable. This poem is about passion. ADULT passion. TIRED, ADULT passion. Enjoy.
It’s Friday night and I’m all alone
Got work to do ‘til the wife comes home
Sitting in my office, planning and writing
sending emails and blind carbon copying
Then keys jangle, bags rustle, I know the score
It’s my wife coming in through our back door
She’s carrying groceries, she’s tired, and she’s huffing
She says, “What you up to tonight, husband?
You got a show, a meeting, or something?”
And I say, “No, baby, I ain’t got nothing.”
So we slip into something more comfortable
Sweatpants so big a dog could get lost in ‘em
Throw our bodies on the couch and land with a flop
Flip up our hoodies so no body heat is lost out our tops
“We should talk about dinner,” says the wife with a sigh
“Maybe we can try to use the food processor again?”
“Fuck that shit,” I say, “let’s order in.”
What you want, baby?
Pizza, Chinese, a bagel with lox?
Doesn’t matter to me
I’ll eat anything that’s hot and comes in a box
We order pizza online with a quick click clack
Cleverly avoiding all human contact
And before you know it we’re all settled in
The pizza’s steaming and the motherfucking netflix is streaming
We’re watching some show we both like a lot
Starring good actors who are quirky but hot
We’re in the middle of Episode Two, Season Four
And the plot has more twists
Than our complimentary cinnamon stix
A telemarketer calls the wife on her phone so she sets it to silent
She’s all like, “Bitch, stop calling before I get violent.”
Wife doesn’t swear much, so it’s a funny joke
I laugh, spit up my whiskey, and almost choke
She’s knitting, I’m drinking, we’re watching, it’s heaven
Then we realize, shit, we just finished Season Seven
We’re getting tired, our legs are cramping, our asses are sore
I say, “Baby, I don’t know if I can take much more.”
And my wife says those three little words
Just one more
Just one more
Just one more
Just five more later, we go to bed and strip off our clothes
Throw ‘em in a pile of dirty shirts and panty hose
Finally it’s time for the main event
We burrow under the covers like we’re pitching a tent
We can feel the tension rising
Our excitement is super-sizing
We’re going to do this long and hard
We’re going to use all our power
And as god is our witness
We’re going to sleep for eight fucking hours
Come morning we’re cuddled in each other’s arms
There’s a noise, shit, we forgot to turn off the alarm
I thrust my hand over all of a sudden
To smack that little snooze button
“Yes,” my wife cries, “Hit it, hit that little button!”
And I pound and I pound away
My hand springing up like a jack in the box
To hit that ringing alarm clock
That electronic crowing cock
My arm gets stiff and strong like an ox
And I spend all morning
Slamming that tight little box
Sometime around eleven thirty eight
My wife says, “Damn. It’s getting pretty late,
We got stuff to do that just can’t wait.”
And I say, “Goddamn right, we got things that need doing
Let’s put on our hoodies and get the coffee brewing,
‘Cause today, baby, we got another hot date
We’re watching all of motherfucking Season Eight.”
This comedy blog post was made possible by the words “Oh” and “Yeah!” More importantly, it was made possible by kind pledges on Patreon. If you enjoyed the piece, you can help me post more by pledging as little as $1 per comedy blog post. Thank you very much for your time, support, and tired adult passion.
Returning podcast favorite Shanan Custer (who previously appeared on the Jane Austen episode and the Role-Playing Game special) merges cute and horror with her overlapping obsessions with tiny things and House on the Rock. Thrill to such questions is: Why are tiny things cute? Are big things horrible? Is House on the Rock like walking through the shattered psyche of a crazy man? What would be in Shanan’s personal House on the Rock? Does the world need super tiny Ikea furniture? All this, plus the great phrase “Beanie Baby in the Doll House.”
Comedian, writer, and old pal of Joseph’s, Kelvin Hatle, is obsessed with the weirdest man who was ever president, Richard Milhous Nixon. Thrill to such political intrigue as: How did a sweaty, dumpy man become president? Is Nixon a geek? What part of your body do you waggle to imitate different presidents? Is a Richard Nixon mask the scariest of all Presidential masks? Does an obsession with Richard Nixon dovetail nicely with an ass joke obsession? PLUS: Hear Kelvin’s imitation of Richard Nixon saying, “Rainbow Dash is my favorite My Little Pony.” Enjoy!
Joseph’s guest–performer and wordsmith Katherine Glover–shares her obsession with the complicated topic of Sex Workers. Because as Katherine says, “Sex Work includes a ton of fun!” Join us for a discussion about the modern realities of this very old profession with such probing questions as: How is Sex Work similar to being a greeter at Wal-Mart? What are poor Sex Worker customer service skills? Is there a website for the Canadian Guild of Erotic Labour? What can dick jokes tell us about the human condition? Which one of us can say more stupid things on the topic? Hint: It’s not Katherine.