Monthly Archives: October 2013


Halloween is my favorite holiday for one very specific reason:

No one tries to tell you how you should feel on Halloween.

Sure, there are plenty of emotions one could associate with it: horror, gluttony, glee, sexy feelings, and whatever emotions are brought up by the sense memory of trying to see and breathe through a latex mask of Batman’s face.

But that’s it. Every other major U.S. Holiday is an endless barrage of the world telling you what to feel.

Thanksgiving. You’re supposed to be grateful. Even if you hate Turkey and football. You should be grateful it’s only one day a year.

Christmas. You are supposed to feel an endless string of emotions. Joy, peace, good will, guilt, massive (yet hidden) pride in the raw power of consumerism.

New Year’s. Optimism, lies about exercise, hangovers, guilt.

Valentine’s Day. Love, sexy feelings, ironic dislike of the Hallmark card you just purchased, guilt.

St. Patrick’s Day. Alcohol poisoning, guilt.

Easter. Joy, renewal, fertility, confusion about why the hell a giant bunny left perishable food items all over your house, guilt.

Fourth of July. Patriotism, a desire to eat meat outside, fear of blowing your hand off, guilt.

Earth Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Arbor Day, National Pancake Day, National Think About Clowns Day, National Eat Pancakes Shaped Like A Clown’s Head Day: GUILT.

But not Halloween. Halloween is an honest holiday. We all like monsters. We’re all intrigued by dark and scary things. We all like candy. We get to put on masks, go to other people’s homes, and take things from them.

Halloween is basically a huge group of otherwise normal people role-playing an elaborate heist film.

The only difference is that at the end no one has to feel guilty.

We just get to have fun.

Happy Halloween, you monsters.

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Unleash the FLAWS!

My new comedy and music album FLAW FEST is available for pre-order now on Bandcamp and will “drop” or “fall down” or “scrape its knee” on Tuesday, November 5th!


“I am glad that Joseph Scrimshaw has the power of thought and audible speech, or else this very funny album would not exist.”
John Hodgman


CD Baby
(physical and digital)
and streaming on

FLAW FEST is a live comedy album full of fun comedy jokes about horrible human flaws PLUS a bonus album of awesome songs inspired by the comedy show.

The comedy album details my horrible flaws: a sloth driven obsession to play bad James Bond video games, a stubborn need to fight with large animals, the idiocy to drink something called a Watermelon Shooter, the hubris to write a rock n’ roll song about a helium balloon, and much more. Plus a cameo by Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy of RiffTrax!

The music album features new songs by Paul & Storm, Molly Lewis, Bill Corbett, The Sevateem, John Roderick, John Munson, The Doubleclicks, Kevin Murphy, Mike Phirman, The Dregs, and Joseph himself.


I first did the show in February of 2013 on Jonathan Coulton’s JoCoCruiseCrazy.

The show went well so I decided to use Kickstarter to raise funds to record the show for a comedy album. The show deals with themes of music and I have a lot of amazing musician friends. So I asked a bunch of them to write an album of songs inspired by the show. So basically, it will be a comedy album with its own soundtrack. To my knowledge, no one has ever done that before.

The Kickstarter was also a success due to what I metaphorically described on this blog as Unicorns and Cocaine. You can read up on the actual project here!

The comedy show was recorded live at the Bryant Lake Bowl Cabaret Theater in Minneapolis in late September.

Now that the album is out in the world, we’re accepting submissions for your very own flaw songs!

Thanks for all your support!

Your flawed friend,

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GHOST STORIES: Obsessed Ep 36

Improvisers Hannah Kuhlmann and Aric McKeown join Joseph for a spooktacular episode of obsessive Ghost Stories. You’ll be terrified, amused, and terri-mused by tales of Dairy Queen Blood Man, City Hall Star Wars Ghost, Drug-Doing Kim, masturbating in the soup aisle, and dealing with your fear by throwing cheese curds.

AWOOGA! Obsessed is now a part of Feral Audio! Go to Feral now to listen to this episode and subscribe for new ones!

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

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Strong Bat Feelings

Lately, I’ve been giving a lot of thought to Batman. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it’s the basic idea that he’s a mature, psychologically complex man who dresses up like an animal to strike fear in the hearts of criminals. This strikes me as noble. I feel like a lot of real life men are animals who dress up like humans so they can strike fear in Starbuck’s employees when they fuck up their lattes. Batman’s way seems better.

Anyway, here’s a collection of some of my recent and future Strong Bat Feelings. I did a superhero themed stand-up comedy show this summer at CONvergence sci-fi fantasy convention. It was really hard not to make the whole show about Batman. Here’s a clip on Why Batman is Awesome. If you enjoy it, you can subscribe to my YouTube Channel and share the video far and wide.

I felt I earned that beer. Thanks, Batman.

You can also read up on my quest to witness a guy dressed up as Batman eating a taco. As many Batmen have shared with me, the cowl makes it difficult to eat a taco, which only makes the quest more difficult and exciting.

Finally, I’m doing a Batman episode of my podcast Obsessed on Saturday, Nov 2nd in Minneapolis. You can buy tickets here. The show features DC Comics artist Christopher Jones, comedian Anna Weggel, and improviser Tim Hellendrung.


Thanks to the efforts of my pal Molly Lewis at Geek Girl Con, a Batman was captured in the wild eating a taco. Thanks to Steve Petrucelli (@wizzer2801) for capturing and sending the picture below:


When I saw this, I wept. I would still like to see a Batman eating a taco, in person, with my own two eyes. But that’s a side quest.

Up next, I’ll be looking for the following superheroes eating the following items:

Superman eating a hot dog.
Wonder Woman eating nachos.
Wolverine eating some poutine
and perhaps, most importantly,
Aquaman eating a Filet-O-Fish from McDonald’s.

Thanks, Bat Friends! More to come!

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A Man and His Horoscope Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, and now Horoscopes! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy October’s spooky series of Daily Horror Tweets.

Day One – You will read this tweet.

Day Two – A cat will look at you in a pompous and judging manner immediately before licking its own crotch.

Day Three – You will push on a door that is clearly marked pull.

Day Four – You are thinking about Benedict Cumberbatch right now.

Day Five – You will resent your pants.

Day Six – You will blame passing gas on a dog. Then you will realize there isn’t a dog in the room. Civilization will unravel.

Day Seven – You will be slightly amused and/or disturbed by the word “dongle.”


Day Nine – You are, were, will, and will have been annoyed with changes to your favorite social media site.

Day Ten – You might remember you have an account on Google+.

Day Eleven – You will feel validated by a horoscope. Yes, you. The one with the pretty eyes.

Day Twelve – You’ll pretend to be an action hero by microwaving a Hot Pocket and slowly walking away while it explodes behind you.

Day Thirteen – You will have an opinion about Star Wars.

Day Fourteen – You will fight in the great twitter wars of 2017. You will support the one true twitter king, Benedict Catbacon.

Day Fifteen – You will tweet about your desire to eat a burrito.

Day Sixteen – You will roll your eyes while reading a post on Facebook.

Day Seventeen – You will ask something for a friend.

Day Eighteen – You will click agree without even considering the possibility of reading iTunes terms and conditions.

Day Nineteen – You will close a door. Another door will not automatically open up unless you’re living in a wacky French farce.

Day Twenty – You will use an emoticon to express a complex human emotion and it will make you feel all :/

Day Twenty-One – You’ll will have a hard times resisting you’re urge to correct the grammaratical error in this’s tweet.

Day Twenty-Two – You may or may not be indecisive.

Day Twenty-Three – You will feel guilty if you do not call your mother. You will also feel guilty if you call your mother.

Day Twenty-Four – You will walk into a room and forget what you went into that room to do. You’ll feel extra stupid if it’s the bathroom.

Day Twenty-Five – You will both rule and drool. They are not mutually exclusive.

Day Twenty-Six – You will fail at something even though it’s not an option. Impressive! Go you!

Day Twenty-Seven – You will accidentally send an “I love you” text meant for your wife to the guy who cleans your gutters. Oh, just me.

Day Twenty-Eight – You or someone you know will be gluten-free.

Day Twenty-Nine – You will read something that is not true on the Internet.

Day Thirty – You will decide you don’t really believe in horoscopes.

Your friend in Horoscopology,


If you enjoy my work, you can sign up for my fan list here and make more comedy possible by buying a book, a comedy album, or a script here.


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STAR TREK: Obsessed Ep 35

Actual physicist Dr. Jim Kakalios, improviser Hannah Kuhlmann, and writer Bill Stiteler join Joseph for an intense, absurd examination of all things Star Trek–the value of science, exploration, slash fiction, tachyons, sexy formal wear, and Captain Guy-Who-Was-Played-By-Scott Bakula. Highlights include Data’s podcast, Voyager’s improv troupe, Patrick Stewart as Grumpy Cat PLUS we tackle that old, bitter fan question–Who would win in a fight? Data’s cat Spot or a whale from The Voyage Home? Live long, prosper, and thanks for listening.

AWOOGA! Obsessed is now a part of Feral Audio! Go to Feral now to listen to this episode and subscribe for new ones!

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

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