For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, and now a series of horribly incorrect quotes. Enjoy!
You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy August’s series of Daily Fake TV Show Tweets.
Day One: Look! Up in the sky! What the fuck is that?
Day Two: Clear eyes, full hearts, bionic legs, fire breath, armored crotches, knife fingers, laser teeth, can’t lose.
Day Three: “When a man is tired of cats, he is tired of the Internet.” -Samuel Johnson
Day Four: Give me liberty or give me death OR, if I can do a combo, liberty and eternal life would be pretty fucking sweet.
Day Five: No one puts baby in the corner unless the corner supports the baby’s head.
Day Six: Hell hath no furries.
Day Seven: Starve a fever, whiskey a cold.
Day Eight: “Teacher say every time you fund at the bell level an angel gets his wings.” -It’s A Wonderful Kickstarter.
Day Nine: Four score and seven years ago, you dumb shits knew what four score meant.
Day Ten: You know nothing about ham, Jon Snow.
Day Eleven: A shark in the tornado is worth two in the bush.
Day Twelve: Revenge is a dish best served without sriracha. People really like sriracha.
Day Thirteen: Someday we’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection, the lovers, the dreamers, the lunatics, the goat people, and me.
Day Fourteen: Today we are rescheduling the apocalypse! When we find a date that works for everyone we’ll send out a new evite!
Day Fifteen: There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but they’re all horrible BECAUSE YOU’RE SKINNING A CAT, YOU MONSTER.
Day Sixteen: Houston, we don’t have a problem. We can stop anytime we want. YOU’RE NOT OUR MOM, HOUSTON!
Day Seventeen: There’s nothing to fear but spiders, dentists, mortality, lists with no Oxford Comma, herpes, and fear itself.
Day Eighteen: Pain is weakness leaving the body. Or it means you’re dying. Pain isn’t a very good communicator.
Day Nineteen: There’s no I in team, probably because the word team was created by a committee with no leadership or vision.
Day Twenty: Keep Calm and Lose Your Shit
Day Twenty-One: I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. It was a GroupOn. 2 horse heads for the price of 1. I’ve said too much.
Day Twenty-Two: Give a man a fishstick and he will eat for a day, teach a man to make fishsticks and he will die in a grease fire.
Day Twenty-Three: You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy outside of the DMV or maybe an Applebee’s.
Day Twenty-Four: If you’re not outraged, you’re probably in a medically induced coma.
Day Twenty-Five: A Lannister always pays his student loans for his 2 year degree in political science, rhetoric, and stabbing.
Day Twenty-Six: It’s better to have loved and lost than to have accidentally sexted a picture of your penis to your hair stylist.
Day Twenty-Seven: Welcome to the jungle. We have fun and games. Mostly heroin and Yahtzee.
Day Twenty-Eight: With great power comes great responsibility. It’s like a GroupOn for your soul, Spider-Man.
Day Twenty-Nine: Ten years ago we had Steve Cash, Johnny Hope, and Bob Jobs. Now we have dyslexia.
Day Thirty: An autocorrect a day keeps the dolphin agape.
Day Thirty-One: “I never said any of that shit.” -Abraham Lincoln, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, and the Dalai Lama.