For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, and now blood-curdling HORROR! Enjoy!
You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy November 2013’s helpful series of Daily Writing Tweets. But first, THE HORROR!
Day One – The call is coming from inside your pants.
Day Two – You are what you eat. Many of you are human donut holes. You monsters.
Day Three – I worked at Kinko’s for three years of my life.
Day Four – Every night in their sleep, the average person swallows 8 spiders, 5 Arby’s Beef N’ Cheddars, and 6 rolls of toilet paper.
Day Five – Today is the twenty year anniversary of twenty years ago today.
Day Six – Don’t add an extra space after a period. Monsters live in every extra space. Every extra space. Monsters.
Day Seven – A vengeful spirit that lives inside your DVR and only records commercials for dentures and computer animation degrees.
Day Eight – The word moist is almost exclusively used to describe cake or underpants.
Day Nine – Monster ideas: A bear-penguin. Ocelot-beaver. Tiger-Duck. Otter-pus. Whale-cat. Dog-spider. Look, animals are scary.
Day Ten – You will die after reading this tweet. It may take up to 80 or 90 years, but, still.
Day Eleven – There are still some pictures on the Internet that don’t have cats in them.
Day Twelve – Tentacles.
Day Thirteen – You die. Your obituary is just a link redirecting people to your LinkedIn profile.
Day Fourteen – Actually, the best trick the devil ever pulled is convincing people it’s okay to begin sentences with the word “actually.”
Day Fifteen – Maybe zombies don’t want to eat brains. Maybe their arms are outstretched like that because they want a hug.
Day Sixteen – A plague washes over the world causing all retweets on twitter to be BLATANT ENDORSEMENTS. Chilling.
Day Seventeen – A killer article: The Top Million Facts About Whatever That You’ll Start Reading Then Sit There Until You Wither And Die.
Day Eighteen – Dial-up modems made that noise ’cause they were haunted by future humans who knew all the time we’d waste on smartphones.
Day Nineteen – Nun Clown. Half nun. Half clown. All terror.
Day Twenty – You are a werewolf. Except instead of turning into a wolf during the full moon you become an asshole at random times.
Day Twenty-One – You die. You see a bright light. Then the words 404 Not Found.
Day Twenty-Two – You are haunted by the ghost of a tech guru who TED Talks the shit out of you every time you try to relax
Day Twenty-Three – Vampires can’t enter without an invitation but Facebook invites count. Lots of vampires at baby showers and poetry slams.
Day Twenty-Four – The guy at the cafe makes a design in your latte. It is Anthony Weiner. The design in the latte is a picture of his penis.
Day Twenty-Five – Monster idea: A mummy but wrapped entirely in Hello Kitty duct tape.
Day Twenty-Six – For no particular reason this phrase popped into my head: emotional dentistry.
Day Twenty-Seven – You give your soul to Satan. He acts like he really likes it but immediately regifts it at his cousin’s wedding shower.
Day Twenty-Eight – If you feel like you’re constantly being watched and judged it means you’re being haunted by a Ghost Cat.
Day Twenty-Nine – All your autocorrects come true in real life. Now you are a taco while shitting on the corner wailing for your taxidermy.
Day Thirty – You die at Arby’s. You are the Ghost of That One Arby’s. All the other asshole ghosts call you Boo N’ Cheddar. Assholes.
Day Thirty-One (HALLOWEEN!) – Your childhood dream finally comes true when you find candy hidden inside a razor blade.
Your friend in HORROR,