A Man and His Social Media Tweets

For more than a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, and now social media tweets. Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy July’s series of Incorrect Fact tweets!

Day One – RT this tweet if you prefer favs. Fav if you prefer RTs.

Day Two – Sociopaths don’t understand emoticons 🙁

Day Three – Confuse your friends by inventing new acronyms like CYFBINA

Day Four – Twitter is a micro-blogging service that lets you tell friends what you’re doing instead of answering their emails.

Day Five – Sub-Reddit is the worst player character in all of the Mortal Kombat games.

Day Six – If you like something I say in person, please fav it. I have a tattoo of a small star on my left buttock. Thank you.

Day Seven – Google Plus still exists.

Day Eight – writing in small caps makes you seem like a serial killer BUT ALL CAPS MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A HAPPY SERIAL KILLER!!!!

Day Nine – Top 3 things I say out loud when I hit send on a tweet: 1) Bam! 2) Fly, you fool! 3) Holy shit! What have I done?

Day Ten – Here’s all the other social media sites I’m on: Froolee, blubbr, tworkspaddle, crankhole, DickedOver, and alonester.

Day Eleven – It would be cool if Twitter handed out little check marks to users who are verified assholes.

Day Twelve – True story: Before I had a Facebook account, I had no idea cats existed.

Day Thirteen – If you printed out all my tweets and lined them up you would realize I’ve wasted my life.

Day Fourteen – At 12:01, Tumblr became sentient. At 12:02, Tumblr posted an animated gif about it. At 12:03, Tumblr shipped itself.

Day Fifteen – Other buttons Facebook should add: Dislike, Tolerate, Why, Nice Cat/Taco Pic, Jelly, Self-Destruct, Huzzah!

Day Sixteen – SOCIAL @media Pro-#Tip: get more http: http://followers.gov by #TWEETING *keywords* like pants, #PANTS, & %pants.

Day Seventeen – Of someone corrects you grammar’s ore spilling mistakes in social mediums, there not your’re friend!!!

Day Eighteen – You can now post animated gifs on twitter. Well, words, you had a good run. Bye.

Day Nineteen – Guide to Facebook invite responses. Yes = Maybe. Maybe = No Fucking Way. No = I’m Going To Burn Your House Down.

Day Twenty – Looking through my tweets I realize I haven’t mentioned Benedict Cumberbatch in over a week. My sincere apologies.

Day Twenty-One – True story: I put my phone in my pants and when I pulled it out, twitter had followed Shakira.

Day Twenty-Two – Just sent an invitation to all my friends on Facebook to stop playing Candy Crush and go hug someone they love.

Day Twenty-Three – If you’re running out of things to discuss with your therapist, why not get your Klout score tattooed on your butt?

Day Twenty-Four – The cool thing about social media is our society’s collapse will be SUPER well documented. Huzzah!

Day Twenty-Five – I have a private twitter account where I just make typos and then bitch at myself about them.

Day Twenty-Six – Just got this ominous email notification: You’ve been judged on GuiltFindr!

Day Twenty-Seven – I saw the greatest minds of my generation post vine videos for a few months but then they were like, “Eh, screw it.”

Day Twenty-Eight – We used to post pictures of our food on Facebook. Now it’s mostly cats. If I was a cat I would be losing my shit.

Day Twenty-Nine – In the future, we’ll gather at movie theaters to read angry tweets about summer blockbusters on the big screen.

Day Thirty – It’s sad how simple messages can be misunderstood on social media, you assholes.

Yours in Social Media Obsession,


If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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