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I Can Do This All Day (A Captain America: Civil War Review)

CapReview

Movies! I like them! I spend a lot of time thinking about them! Sometimes I talk to friends about them without recording it for a podcast and it seems like a WASTE. So I’m going to make an effort to post more reviews. The reviews will be broken down into SEVEN categories: My Twitter Review, Why I Saw This Movie, Big Theme, Favorite Things, Questionable Things, Favorite Lines, and What This Film Inspires Me To Do. SPOILER WARNING:This is full of spoilers. Let’s do this!

TWITTER REVIEW:

WHY I SAW THIS MOVIE:

I’ll see just about any superhero movie. I will definitely see all Marvel movies. I WOULD RUN SEVEN MARATHONS AND FIGHT A BEAR TO SEE A CAPTAIN AMERICA MOVIE.

I’m #TeamCap. I’ve always been a big fan of the character in the comics and I think Chris Evans’ portrayal and the team’s take on Cap is one of the best superhero characters ever committed to celluloid digital film stuff.

If anyone ever tells you characters can’t be interesting if they’re fundamentally good, shake your head, hold up a copy of your Captain America: The Winter Soldier Blu-Ray, stand up tall, and say, “No. You’re wrong.”

In the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Steve Rogers has retained his consistent motivation: he just wants to do what he believes is right. He doesn’t feel comfortable unless he’s actively working toward a greater good. But he’s never been boring because he’s always had conflicts both external and internal. He’s struggled to know who to trust. He’s struggled to keep his individuality within organizations. He’s struggled to translate his values to different time periods and different conflicts. He’s questioned the morality of not wanting a family life, but instead wanting to be a soldier.

The movies have told that story extremely well through the exterior conflicts of the plots and through Chris Evans’ amazing performance. There’s always something going on in his eyes. There’s always a weight on his shoulders. Cap doesn’t blindly believe he’s right. He gives every decision a lot of thought. Not a lot of BROODING. A lot of thought. He’s not perfect. He just truly wants to be his best and is always striving for it. He’s a great role model.

Also, his shield is awesome and I cheer when he hits people with it in cool ways. I’m not a good person, but I’m STRIVING.

Also, there’s this:

BIG THEME:

There are a lot of ideas floating around in Captain America: Civil War about vengeance, leadership, hidden agendas, loyalty, fear, guilt, sarcasm as a viable tool of self-expression, but the big idea that wove everything together for me was borrowed from young Spider-Man himself:

With great power, comes great responsibility.

One of my favorite scenes in the movie was Tony Stark (who is also great and Robert Downey, Jr. deserves a lifetime achievement award for kickstarting the MCU) recruiting young, impressionable Spider-Man. When Tony asks Peter Parker why he does it, he gives a little speech that is a concerted rephrasing of his catchphrase. I think we probably would have just heard that phrase if it hadn’t been pummeled into the ground by the previous 872 Spider-Man films released in the last decade or so.

I’m paraphrasing because I can’t find the quote online, but young Spidey basically says it seems irresponsible to have these powers and not try to use them for the good of others. There’s a great response from Tony Stark. A little flinch. As if it pains him to hear this young, relatively innocent person basically reiterate Cap’s fundamental argument even as Tony is recruiting him away from Cap’s side.

The other reason “with great power comes great responsibility” stood out to me as the central theme is that every character in the movie would vehemently agree with the statement. They just disagree about how best to take responsibility. The film might ultimately be weighted toward Cap’s perspective, but everyone, even down to the “bad guy”, Zemo, is trying to take responsibility.

FAVORITE THINGS:

There are plenty of other reviews that do a great job of marching straight through the plot and (so far) I’ve only seen the film once so I’m just going to share the big things that popped for me on the first viewing.

Layers of motivation:
The movie built on everything the MCU has done so far. Every character was well motivated AND they were motivated based on who they fundamentally are, the events we as an audience have witnessed them going through, and their devotion to more ephemeral ideologies. Cap has consistently been let down by organizations he trusts. Those organizations have often told him specifically NOT TO ACT. Going back to his first film, when the government and the army wanted him to just dress up and sell war bonds. He never would have become the Cap we know and love if he hadn’t disobeyed the institution, rescued Bucky, and exposed the full threat of the Red Skull.

Tony is driven mostly by guilt. But just as Cap has the personal motivation of protecting Bucky, Tony has not only Rhodey’s injuries, but the elegantly constructed simmering jealousy and sense of competition with Steve Rogers spurred on by his late father.

Black Widow’s loyalties are divided. She’s also fundamentally motivated by guilt, but she’s also a spy who adapts to the situation. When it becomes clear that the fight is no longer about the Sokovia Accords specifically she helps Cap get away and continue on his mission.

Ant-Man hero worships Cap and we’re even reminded that he’s got no problem working on the wrong side of the law.

I could go on and on. I’m a little bummed that characters being well-motivated is so rare that it’s this exciting to me, but there you go.

Plot scale:
Even though this was one of the biggest, punchiest superhero movies ever made, the world was only at stake on a rhetorical level. I loved that there was a traditional antagonist in Zemo, but I loved that no one was trying to blow up the world or even Cleveland. It created variety and was a good reminder that HIGH STAKES can just be something that’s very, very important to the characters personally.

So few misunderstandings:
I also really liked that while Zemo manipulated events he never really “tricked” our heroes. Apologies to people who loved Batman v Superman, but one of the reasons I didn’t like the movie is that–even though the characters did have some ideological differences–by the time they were punching each other it was a misunderstanding. As soon as Batman knew the Martha-truth everything changed.

Zemo manipulated events, he stoked the fire, but the fundamental personal and ideological differences between Cap and Iron Man were already boiling under the surface.

I also like that Zemo didn’t just lure our heroes to fight in a cool bunker without any logic behind it. Part of his plot was to get to Siberia and MURDER THE OTHER SUPER SOLDIERS. (Which made for a great subversion of normal superhero movie third acts: They have to fight FIVE SUPER SOLDIERS–Whoops, no. There’s an upsetting home video.) Like everyone in the movie, Zemo’s trying to take responsibility and use his power to make sure there aren’t more Winter Soldiers running around. Yes, it’s an awfully MURDERY, VENGEANCE-TINGED responsibility, but he believes he’s making the world safer.

Big-ass location titles:
I loved the big location titles. It was a great stylistic break from the location typing out in the bottom corner of the screen like a spy dossier. It also reinforced that this was a global story. It stretches the superhero genre to be like James Bond or Indiana Jones. Superhero movies can be about zipping across earth. Not everyone needs to be locked in their one visually appropriate city they need to save.

Iron Man 3 clean-up:
I enjoyed Iron Man 3 but I’ve always been bothered by the disconnect between Tony blowing it all up (literally and figuratively) and then being right back in the mix and even wanting to create more weapons in Age of Ultron. Tony’s simple elegant line about not being able to give up the superhero game clarified his ideology and made a connecting point between Tony and Steve Rogers: They want to do good, but it’s not just altruistic, it’s a little selfish. At this point, they don’t know how to not be superheroes.

Secret identities are back, baby!
I loved Peter Parker’s intense concern about Aunt May not finding out about his Spider-Shenanigans. Also, the concern about his mask riding up at the end of the airport fight. The MCU has handled the lack of secret identities well, from the kick-ass ending of the very first Iron Man movie all the way to Black Widow emailing everyone all the secrets in The Winter Soldier. But as a comic book fan I’ve missed some of the nuance and conflicts of secret identities. The fact that Spidey really cares makes me feel like this is going to be reintroduced and maybe become a norm for heroes going forward in reaction to the Sokovia Accords.

And finally, fuck it, let’s go crazy:
It felt like this was the movie where the MCU felt truly comfortable in the reality they’ve built within their universe that they can take the risk of truly being COMIC BOOK MOVIES. Specifically, Black Panther and Spider-Man’s costumes being much closer to their comic book origins and not worrying about BUT IT HAS TO BE CHUNKY ARMOR OR SUPER-TEXTURED OR WE’LL LOSE OUR GRITTY, REAL WORLD CRED. Also, Giant-Man.

QUESTIONABLE THINGS:

Young Tony:
I loved seeing the technology–both in the world of the movie and our real, human world–that made Robert Downey, Jr. young. But there was still a little bit of the uncanny valley to it. It’s cool to see the technology, but it weirds me out a little in a “with great power, comes great responsibility” way.

What are you doing, Vision?
I’m going to push my geek glasses way up my nose and say I was distracted by Vision not having more of an impact in the big fight at the airport. He’s definitely one of the most powerful members of #TeamIronMan so he could have turned the tide of the battle more. I appreciate that he took a few specific actions at the end of the fight, but I think a few shots of him just hanging back and observing during the early part of the fight would have gone a long way.

FAVORITE LINES:

“Tell me, Captain, do you know where Thor and Banner are right now? ‘Cause you can bet if I misplaced a couple of 30 megaton warheads, there’d be consequences.” – General Thaddeus Thunderbolt Ross

Why: I love that it sounds like a strong argument until you realize he’s taking all humanity and agency away from Thor and the Hulk by comparing them to non-sentient weapons.

“Protection? Is that how you see this? This is protection? It’s internment, Tony. Come on, she’s A KID!” – Captain America

Why: With the one word “internment” we’re reminded that Cap has the perspective of multiple generations and that his reasons to distrust humans within organizations goes way back. Tony was playing on old patriotism with those FDR pens. The word “internment” was a nice f you to that tact.

“I don’t know how many fights you’ve been in, but there’s not usually this much talking.” – The Falcon

Why: I want Spider-Man to never stop talking during fights so I took this as a great promise of things to come.

“Manchurian Candidate, you’re killing me. We’re on a truce. Put the gun down.” -Iron Man

Why: I love the movie Manchurian Candidate and I love the snark of Stark.

“I can do this all day.” -Captain America

Why: See the #TeamCap paragraph above.

“Uggghhhhaaa.” -Captain America preventing a fucking HELICOPTER from taking off.

Why: Come on.

WHAT THE MOVIE INSPIRED ME TO DO:

I try to do a few exercises every day. Just a few push-ups. I don’t expect to ever be ripped, I just want to be healthy enough to live a long time and see every Captain America movie.

It’s hard to stay motivated. But Cap does a great job of cutting through the noise and the BS to what is right.

“Come on, son,” I hear Cap say. “Just do your push-ups.”

Thanks, Cap.

Thanks for reading. If you enjoy this article, feel free to share it on the social medias. If you want to help make more articles like this possible, you can support me on Patreon.

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What did you do in 2015, Joseph, what did you do?

Thngs I Did in 2015

Every year I post a bunch of stuff I did that year. I do this because no matter how much work I do, I beat myself up that I haven’t accomplished enough.

At the beginning of 2015, I made a list of 9 concrete goals. I only accomplished 2 of them. My instinct is to feel real, real bad about that and beat myself up. But then I look at this list of all the cool things I’ve been lucky enough to do and all the amazing humans I get to be around.

For 2016, I think I’ll make another list of goals. One of them will be TREAT YOURSELF NICE, ASSHOLE.

Anyway, here’s some fun stuff I did in 2015. WARNING: Includes deep gazes at my navel and a multitude of links to podcasts, albums, videos, blogs, and more!

RIFFTRAX!

I was thrilled to become an official contributing writer for RiffTrax! If you’re not familiar with RiffTrax, check out one of the movies I wrote jokes for: The truly bizarre Nintendo commerical/trainwreck that is The Wizard!

TABLETOP!

I appeared on Geek & Sundry’s awesome tabletop gaming show playing the game CONCEPT with my friend Wil Wheaton and YouTube superstars, Rhett and Link. It was a super fun collaborative game where I mostly had to battle my own SHAME.

OBSESSED ON FERAL AUDIO!

My comedy podcast Obsessed got picked up by the awesome podcast collective, Feral Audio! Feral is run by Dustin Marshall who works tirelessly at making Feral great and also has a very impressive Instagram account. Some of my favorite episodes since joining Feral include Matt Gourley on Quicksand, James Urbaniak on Actors, and a live episode about Game of Thrones with Tim Wick and Rebecca Watson. I’ve got a lot of plans for Obsessed in 2016, so follow us on Feral or you can subscribe on iTunes here!

JEDI ALLIANCE and FORCE CENTER!

I started a totally unplanned new part of my career: Star Wars Talking Guy. My friend Ken Napzok invited me to be a guest on his YouTube show/podcast Jedi Alliance. It was great fun so I kept doing guest appearances, then Ken left the show due to his new job as a producer for Screen Junkies so I started co-hosting Jedi Alliance with Mark Donica. BUT THAT WASN’T ENOUGH TALKING ABOUT STAR WARS. Ken and I missed working together so we started The Force Center podcast. Last week, the TFA review/discussion episodes of both shows were in the top 50 of iTunes TV & Film category. You can check out Jedi Alliance here and Force Center here. A huge thanks to Ken for introducing me to a ton of new friends, fans, opportunities, and giving me an excuse to buy Star Wars toys and write them off on my taxes.

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OTHER COOL PODCASTS!

I got to be a guest on a bunch of cool podcasts including, but not limited to, Maximum Fun’s Jordan Jesse Go, Bryan Cook and Nerdist’s Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction (performing a filthy story about Harry Potter), I had strong Doctor Who opinions with Geek Girl Authority and Dave Foley, I fought on Screen Junkies Plus’ TV Fights (you can watch with a free trial subscription), and I did five episodes of deep Return of the Jedi analysis with my friends at Star Wars Minute.

TOURING WITH THE DOUBLECLICKS and MOLLY LEWIS!

I did two #NerdNightOut tours with The Doubleclicks. We did one on the West Coast in the Spring and one on the East Coast in the Fall. Molly Lewis was a guest for some of the West Coast shows and with us the whole time for the East Coast tour. We all worked together creatively on putting together a weird, geek comedy/music/variety show, but The Doubleclicks did the lion’s share of making the tours happen and I’m extremely grateful. The shows couldn’t have possibly been more rewarding and Angela, Aubrey, and Molly are all awesome humans that I’m thrilled to be friends with.

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COMEDY DREAM TIME!

I’ve done a bunch of guest bits in various stand-up and comedy shows in LA, but I spent most of my energy on my own monthly show called Comedy Dream Time. The idea of the show is I ask people to give me a character they’ve always wanted to play and I write a sketch for them. Phil LaMarr played an 80s super cop, Matthew Mercer played a He-Man knockoff, Superego’s Jeremy Carter played Indiana Jones (you can read that sketch here), and a ton more. We also had lots of great comedians and special thanks to Allie Goertz and Ariana Lenarsky who both closed the shows with improvised songs based on audience suggestions.

BIG OL’ POP CULTURE CONVENTIONS!

I did a bunch of performing at conventions this year. I was a guest or performer at CONvergence in Minnesota, Dragon Con in Atlanta, Comikaze in Los Angeles, Wizard World in Las Vegas, the BAMF festival at San Diego Comic-Con, and more. I was also thrilled to perform at a Doctor Who convention called CONsole Room and get a chance to interview the 6th Doctor, Colin Baker.

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REBEL SCUM and IT’S A VERY HOLIDAY THING!

I recorded and released two comedy albums. The first, Rebel Scum, is about Star Wars and social justice. It was recorded live at CONvergence in July and then we got it all edited, mixed, mastered, and produced in time for me to bring on tour in September. The second album is a short collection of holiday bits featuring music by Tony Thaxton and Marc Doty. It’s called A Very Holiday Thing. Both albums are available on bandcamp here. I put “releasing two albums” in the category of things I need to remind myself about when I feel like I’m being too lazy.

RebelScum

PAID OFF MY STUDENT LOANS!

On my birthday, August 17th, I paid off my student loans. I paid a lot of money (and interest) to get my liberal arts degree so allow me to say I enjoyed this crepuscular moment of my loans, however it was a Pyrrhic victory as I still have copious sundry debts. That said, I asked my wife to take this celebratory and symbolic photo right after I hit send on the last payment.

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PATREON and BLOGS!

I continue to be extremely lucky to have fans and friends supporting me on Patreon. As an independent creative type, it’s amazing to have a steady, monthly source of income. My Patreon makes it possible for me to keep putting out episodes of Obsessed and writing a monthly comedy blog post. One of my favorite blog posts this year was Underwear That’s Fun To Wear in which I modeled some adult underwear.

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WTFark – RIP!

I haven’t even been in LA for two full years and already my favorite bar is gone and a couple of awesome shows have gone on to that great internet in the sky. My friend Mike Rylander hosted this awesome weird news show, WTFark, for OraTV. When Mike was away, I got to write and host some episodes. Here’s one of my favorites about a shipping company that made a billboard that was just a giant cat head you can pet. Thanks and, sadly, goodbye, WTFark!

SOCIAL MEDIA!

As always, I spent an insane amount of time on social media. On twitter, I passed 10K followers largely because of this one insanely popular tweet.

I also spent a bunch of time on Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr, five seconds on Periscope, and on tour Molly Lewis taught me to use Snapchat. Look upon my snaps ye mighty and despair.

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You can find me on any social media by searching my clever username: Joseph Scrimshaw.

TV AND MOVIES!

While I did not write or star in any, I sure watched the hell out of them. To name a few, I enjoyed the hell out of Peter Capaldi on Doctor Who, Arrow, The Flash, Don Draper doing yoga, Jessica Jones, and I binge watched all of The Walking Dead in two weeks and spent the next week thinking about the best place in Los Angeles to survive a zombie apocalypse. (Hint: It’s the Dunkin’ Donuts that just opened by my home.) Most importantly, I saw The Force Awakens four times and I have tickets for another showing in the new year. If you have some concerns about the movie, I even wrote a blog post to try to help you out.

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THE FUTURE!

I haven’t done the future yet, but I’m going to. As I write this, I’m working on my final hurrah of 2015–a big New Year’s Eve show with my pal, Hal Lublin. I’ve got a lot of fun stuff coming up in 2016 including being a guest of honor at CONvergence, doing an hour long stand-up show about Doctor Who at Gallifrey One, more stand-up shows in Los Angeles, more podcasts, recording another comedy album, and of course, lots of selfies of me drinking something.

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Thanks again–
Joseph

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MYSELF: Obsessed Ep 74

A special, weird episode featuring host Joseph Scrimshaw discussing his obsession with himself! Featuring guest host Hal Lublin! Thrill to such topics as Benedict Cumberbatch, small dogs, feminism, the best episodes of Doctor Who for cats, spending student loans on action figures, the phrase “dark wiggle room,” and much more. Special thanks to Patreon backers for unlocking this episode as a milestone goal!

Thanks as always to Molly Lewis for our theme song!

AWOOGA! Obsessed is now a part of Feral Audio! Go to Feral now to listen to this episode and subscribe for new ones!

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

If you enjoy the podcast, you can help make it happen by supporting me on Patreon!

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One Percent of a Good Idea

OnePercentOfAGoodIdea
I want to see major changes in our society. I don’t want those changes to come because of violence. So how do they come?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this because of something a friend of mine said a few years ago during the Occupy Wall Street protests.

My friend said something along the lines of this:

“Historically, cultures that have a very small group of wealthy people controlling the lives of a very large group of poor people only experience true change when there’s a revolution and the rich people get murdered and their heads are put on spikes and stuff.”

My friend is very knowledgable. Even drunk at 3 am in the morning, he can rattle off facts about the French revolution, quotes from James Joyce’s Ulysses, and the names of character actors from obscure episodes of 1960s era Doctor Who that only exist in audio format.

He not only retains facts, he can also apply them to the world around him. For example, he could probably tell you which classic Doctor Who script editor produced the most Joycean episodes of the show. Would it be Terrance Dicks or Robert Holmes? Who knows? My friend, probably.

The point is his observation that class warfare has historically been an actual WAR startled me, but it also made a lot of sense.

I believe America has a serious economic imbalance. A small percent of the population controls the money. The money influences the politics. We’re fighting for things like a livable minimum wage and stopping giant corporations from destroying equal access to the internet. There is still a possibility that Comcast and Time Warner Cable–two of consumers’ most despised companies–will be allowed to merge into one big monster like some awful SyFy movie come to life.

A lot of us would just dump the horrible MegaSharkBadger that is Comcast/Time Warner Cable if we could, but we don’t have a lot of options.

Besides, those companies deliver us the parts of our culture we enjoy–our access to communication and entertainment. They are the gatekeepers to all our cat pictures, tumblr accounts about shipping Harry and Hermione, and phone service to call our cable providers and make futile complaints about the horrible service.

We’re used to not being able to make a dent in the control of giant rich corporations. As a result, I think we’ve become surprisingly docile. Our recent attempts at protests have been met with, to me, a shocking amount of resistance.

Recently, there was a calm, non-violent act of civil disobedience at the Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota to protest multiple questionable killings of citizens by police officers. Instead of just allowing the protest to happen, the Mall of America decided to double down on every negative stereotype about both malls and America by reacting with riot gear and Orwellian messages on their big screen.

I shared one of the protesters’ photos in this tweet.

A ton of people, some calm and some seething with outrage, tweeted back to inform me that the Mall of America was PRIVATE PROPERTY and thus the protest was illegal.

I’m aware the Mall of America is private property. I’m also aware that sometimes protests need to be held in a space where they will be disruptive in order for the status quo to be challenged. I think the need to discuss unchecked police brutality is more important than a shopper’s mild inconvenience on their way to The Gap.

Regardless of the politics of this particular protest, I was shocked that so many people took a MALL’S SIDE over humans. We’ve become so pacified–so enamored with business as usual–that the rights of an Orange Julius are more sacrosanct than a protest about people’s rights.

Modern day America is a far cry from France in 1789. If peacefully demonstrating in a mall is considered this shocking, then obviously there isn’t going to be a violent uprising.

So why would the small group of people who hold all the financial power fear the people?

We’re not going to rise up and attack. We’re not going to rush the offices of Wal-Mart executives, the predatory lenders that almost destroyed our entire economy, the MegaSharkBadgers at Comcast, etc.

And I’m happy for that. I don’t want violence. I don’t want to see a head on a pike outside of an episode of Game of Thrones and even then it’s a bummer.

But I do want change.

So here is my horrible idea for the problem of the rich, powerful, and greedy:

What if we threatened to punch them, just once, in the crotch?

I know it sounds ridiculous, but hear me out. Right now, America loves the status quo. We will not see a comedy movie unless there is a crotch shot in the trailer. That is the status quo. We also love stories about tough, leathery old men who play by their own rules. That is the status quo.

Let’s embrace the status quo. Let’s get Liam Neeson to act out a real life socio-political action thriller called CROTCH THREAT.

Here’s the trailer:

Liam Neeson walks slowly toward the camera.

The voiceover kicks in.

“They have taken our money. They have taken our respect. They got us addicted to high fructose corn syrup and we can’t even pay the medical bills. Enough is enough. Now, one man, with a special set of skills (mostly crotch punching) is going to take it all back.”

Liam Neeson talks heatedly into a phone:

“Release just a little bit of control, spread the wealth, get out of the political system, or I will look for you, I will find you, and I will punch your crotches.”

Then there’s a fast-cut montage of crotch punching and a lot of the BWAHHHHHM noise from Inception as the voiceover concludes:

“We really only want to do this once, but if we have to, there will be a sequel. And like all sequels, it will be a little bit worse.”

Liam Neeson walks away from a massive explosion, the shrapnel flies across the screen and hits Donald Trump in the crotch.

BAM. THIS FILM IS NOT YET RATED.

The rating would be S for Stupid. It’s a stupid idea. I know that.

But if this idea were an actual movie, people would probably go see it because we love stories about fighting the status quo almost as much as we have become resistant to fighting the status quo in real life.

I’m a comedian so I react to my frustration by trying to express it in the language of comedy like proposing something called CROTCH THREAT. A lot of people are taking real action. There are protests. There are petitions. There is knowledgable and intelligent activism on many different issues.

And there are angry, ridiculous blog posts like this. There are snarky tweets. There are facebook diatribes. There are politically loaded pictures of Benedict Cumberbatch on instagram. I don’t think those things are “slacktivism.” I think they are using our amazing tools of instant communication to give legitimate voice to people’s thoughts and opinions. We have France in 1789 beat there.

Every once in a while, someone’s politically loaded cat picture on the internet is going to break through the noise and get someone else to think about the status quo, what changes they would like to see, and what non-violent actions they can take to make a difference.

This blog is one tiny ridiculous metaphorical punch to the crotch of injustice.

That’s as violent as I’m willing to get, but it’s a swing I’m happy to take.

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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A Man and His Story Tweets

For almost two years I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, social media tweets, incorrect facts, slogans, and Conspiracy tweets, Spooky Tweets, and now Story Tweets Enjoy!

After almost two years, I’m taking a break from the Daily Tweets, but you can still follow me on twitter for important updates on shows, what I’m eating, and what I’m eating at shows!

STORY TWEETS!

Day One – Once there was a turtle who figured out he could get Netflix inside his shell. His head was never seen again.

Day Two – One day Cheryl woke up and her life was now a video game. She never found the cheat code to get out of bed, though.

Day Three – The year is 3014. Nuclear waste is everywhere. Every November, sentient mustaches grow awkward little men for charity.

Day Four – “If you don’t vote you can’t complain,” Ted said. “Let’s make a law to change that,” said Steve. Ted sighed. Fucking Steve.

Day Five – A woman traveled in time to 2017. She watched a movie trailer. It was the whole damn movie minus the post-credits scene.

Day Six – The new version of autocorrect changes every tweet to “This is a cry for help.” Humanity finally finds peace.

Day Seven – Once I was offered to take a cheese plate home from a party. I declined. I will regret this on my death bed.

Day Eight – You think you hear a sigh. You turn around. No one is there. You just met the world’s loneliest ninja.

Day Nine – A team of infinite monkeys are given typewriters. They immediately write a version of Game of Thrones where no one dies.

Day Ten – One day Carl didn’t see any pictures of cats on facebook. The seventh sign had come.

Day Eleven – Ed thought he discovered a time travel machine. Then he realized he just had no sense of time while taking a shower.

Day Twelve – After much research, David confirmed bears don’t actually use toilet paper. Once again, David’s television had lied to him.

Day Thirteen – Larry decided to read every article on facebook about simple steps to happiness. He is still there, reading and nodding.

Day Fourteen – A fan cuts a new extended version of The Hobbit films. It literally never ends. Bilbo dicks around until the sun explodes.

Day Fifteen – Phyllis invited her friends to her ambivalence themed birthday party on facebook. They all said responded Maybe. The end?

Day Sixteen – Once there was a non-terrifying clown. He didn’t wear make-up, tell jokes, or murder. His name was Steve. He had a Prius.

Day Seventeen – Here’s my one sentence James Bond slash fic: “No one can save you, Mr. Bond. Not even Bono from the legendary rock band U2.”

Day Eighteen – “No belts! No shoes! Laptops out! Keep moving! This is an Orwellian nightmare! Help me,” cried Mr. Honest TSA Agent.

Day Nineteen – Two men argued about the BEST James Bond movie. Because they didn’t know the word subjective, they argued until they died.

Day Twenty – Ed always danced like no one was watching. But the aliens were. They were not impressed. Way to represent Earth, Ed.

Day Twenty-One – One day, Carl tried to make a complete list of everything he hated, but the first thing was lists.

Day Twenty-Two – Lloyd discovered he had the ability to talk with cats. The cats mostly just judged his wardrobe and life choices.

Day Twenty-Three – Edna was going to make and sell t-shirts that said “Let’s do the bare minimum” but tweeting the idea seemed good enough.

Day Twenty-Four – Steve kept accidentally leaving words out of tweets. The words would randomly show up in other donkey mom burrito tweets.

Day Twenty-Five – Jerry tried to sell his soul to Satan. Sadly, Satan was only interested in buying souls in Near Mint condition.

Day Twenty-Six – Tired of family debates, Chad got a tattoo on his arm of an emoticon shrugging. He flashed it constantly and died happy.

Day Twenty-Seven – Once there was a magical land called Your In-Laws’ Bathroom. Many people hid there and, lo, there was much tweeting.

Day Twenty-Eight – Ted decided to skip Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. His new seasonal greeting Let’s Just Get This Over With was a hit.

Day Twenty-Nine – Sheila developed the power to read minds. It was like twitter without a mute button. Sheila was pretty bummed.

Day Thirty – Joseph thought about how great stories often have sudden and ambiguous endings as he ate a taco and THE END.

Yours in Narrative Fun,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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A Man and His Spooky Tweets

For almost two years I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, social media tweets, incorrect facts, slogans, and Conspiracy tweets, and now Spooky Tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy November’s series!

Day One – You get a phone call. It’s coming from someone who could have sent a text or email.

Day Two – Once, as an adult, I shopped at Hot Topic.

Day Three – Sometimes three white guys get together in a basement and don’t record a podcast.

Day Four – If you watch an episode of Doctor Who and don’t have a strong opinion about it, you will die in 7 days.

Day Five – The term “mouthfeel” exists and is in common usage.

Day Six – It’s possible that my home is haunted and I don’t know because the ghost is just a lazy ass.

Day Seven – If you look in the mirror and say your own name three times, you’ll realize you’re a fucking narcissist.

Day Eight – Today is the twenty year anniversary of twenty years ago. Soon we will all die.

Day Nine – Satan is only interested in purchasing your soul if it’s part of a GroupOn deal.

Day Ten – A remake of The Tell Tale Heart but the beating heart sounds like the car alarm on a Prius.

Day Eleven – Don’t be afraid: Zombies are more tired of us than we are of them.

Day Twelve – Ghosts are just dead people who can’t stop buffering.

Day Thirteen – The noise is coming from inside the building. The man has an acoustic guitar and is learning to play The Eagles’ songbook.

Day Fourteen – All Blockbuster Videos are now haunted by restless spirits that can never pay the late fee on their VHS copies of Titanic.

Day Fifteen – If you look at WebMD, you’ll think you’re going to die in seven days.

Day Sixteen – Once, I went 24 hours without seeing a picture of a cat on the internet.

Day Seventeen – In the future, people will fight to get little blue verified check marks on their tombstones.

Day Eighteen – Once, I left ear buds in my head for seven hours before I noticed I wasn’t listening to anything.

Day Nineteen – The bolts in Frankenstein’s monster’s neck can only be tightened with a little wrench from Ikea.

Day Twenty – Theirs a ghost in your house and it wants to correct you’re grammar.

Day Twenty-One – Once I went three days without asking anyone if they’d seen The Wire.

Day Twenty-Two – I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, vampires, spiders, burritos, discounts. We never stop screaming.

Day Twenty-Three – Before you die your life flashes before your eyes but it’s not in the correct aspect ratio.

Day Twenty-Four – Dance like no one is watching except a sad ghost named Toby.

Day Twenty-Five – Some of the things smartphones have replaced: watches, alarm clocks, mp3 players, books, family, friends, hope.

Day Twenty-Six – The mad scientist’s name is Frankenstein, the monster’s name is actually Chad Lonelypants.

Day Twenty-Seven – If you eat enough candy corn, your colon will turn into a mummy.

Day Twenty-Eight – We will never know which long dead British guy we’ve never heard of was the real Jack the Ripper.

Day Twenty-Nine – The most terrifying Halloween costume is emotional nudity.

Day Thirty – If you make a funny face, your face will stay that way. If you make two funny faces, you will become an animated gif.

Day Thirty-One – Things vampires can turn into: bats, wolves, mist, Diet Pepsi, a turducken, YouTube comments, ebola reporting, money. #DailySpookyTweet

Yours in Spooky Town,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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A Man and His Conspiracy Tweets

For more than a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, social media tweets, incorrect facts, slogans, and now Conspiracy tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy October’s series of SPOOKY tweets!

Day One – The Lizard People are a rumor created to distract us from the true agenda of The Llama Monsters.

Day Two – Tupac’s Hologram is still alive.

Day Three – Crop Circles are emojis made by aliens who have no eyes or mouths.

Day Four – The moon landing was not faked, but every single tweet about the super moon is a government scheme to destroy twitter.

Day Five – Every October, the government adjusts their #chemtrails formula to include an aroma of #PumpkinSpice.

Day Six – Walt Disney’s frozen head is secretly directing Star Wars Episode VII.

Day Seven – Michael Bay’s entire career is an elaborate ruse to prove a lot of 80s cartoons were kind of shit in the first place.

Day Eight – Bigfoot only exists in profile which is why all the photos of him look like he’s modeling something on a runway.

Day Nine – The only rational explanation for the continued existence of Orange Julius is the Illuminati likes fruit smoothies.

Day Ten – Why do humans only have two middle fingers, but I often need to flip off six things at once? Who is responsible?

Day Eleven – Lawmakers are pushing a new bill that says you’re not legally married unless Bill Murray shows up at your wedding.

Day Twelve – You never see Chris Pratt and Chris Evans in the same place. They’re two different people. BUT WHAT IF THEY SHARE ABS?

Day Thirteen – The government is secretly run by compassionate reasonable people, you blind fools.

Day Fourteen – The earth has been invaded by a sentient life form called KALE. It wants us to eat it and we’re all falling for it.

Day Fifteen – The hosts of The View can see you through your television set.

Day Sixteen – If you are anywhere near tinfoil, the aliens can’t read your thoughts. The aliens fucking hate Chipotle.

Day Seventeen – If you listen to the free U2 album backwards, you will still be pissed off about it.

Day Eighteen – Ghostbusters 3 was already made in 1997 and it was so bad we all just forgot it existed.

Day Nineteen – Why is it that #TalkLikeAPirateDay and #BeAnnoyedByTalkLikeAPirateDay always fall on the exact same day?

Day Twenty – Close examination of the rocks will reveal drawings of the little Ikea man assembling Stonehenge with a tiny wrench.

Day Twenty-One – There are ghosts in airports that force people to suddenly stop walking in the middle of the goddamn terminal.

Day Twenty-Two – If viewed from space, it’s clear that all major cities were laid out by Freemasons. Super drunk Freemasons.

Day Twenty-Three – The US government plans to start collecting taxes via Kickstarter so you can’t complain when your rewards are late.

Day Twenty-Four – There is no rover on Mars. Every single picture is just Nevada with an Instagram filter.

Day Twenty-Five – The iTunes user agreement you all signed says Bono has the right to come to your home and try on your sunglasses.

Day Twenty-Six – If you look at an Apple Watch wearing Google Glass, you will immediately shit a Samsung Galaxy.

Day Twenty-Seven – The band Pink Floyd does not exist. It is a massive group hallucination.

Day Twenty-Eight – Mad Men is actually a very long Ken Burns documentary.

Day Twenty-Nine – Hallmark invented holidays, trees, the concept of guilt, bad copywriting, and Wal-Mart just to sell greeting cards.

Day Thirty – There’s been an i in team this whole time.

Yours in Secrecy,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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A Man and His Slogan Tweets

For more than a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, social media tweets, incorrect facts, and now slogans. Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy September’s series of Conspiracy tweets!

Day One – Beer! It’s autocorrect for your mouth!

Day Two – Kale. You can’t fucking escape it.

Day Three – Brunch! It makes your day-drinking socially acceptable!

Day Four – Nostalgia! If things seemed simpler when you were a kid, it’s because you were a kid.

Day Five – Cilantro. It’s what’s stuck between your teeth.

Day Six – Books. Because you have to look at something while Netflix is buffering.

Day Seven – Time Warner Cable. It works sometimes.

Day Eight – Futons! The furniture of visiting in-laws and sad breakups. What went wrong for YOU to be on a futon?

Day Nine – Existential Dread. You could try to get rid of it, but what’s the point?

Day Ten – Mimosas. The drink that says, “Hey, Sunday. Fuck you.”

Day Eleven – Facebook. It’s a great place to complain to your friends about Facebook.

Day Twelve – Cartoon Bears. Without them we would have no knowledge of forest fires or toilet paper.

Day Thirteen – Student loans. The herpes of higher education. Once you get them, you’ll always have them.

Day Fourteen – Autocorrect. Making your communists pervert every shingle tampon since 2007.

Day Fifteen – Low-Fat Twinkies. When you want to eat a lie.

Day Sixteen – Unicorns. Making horses feel shitty and inadequate since 1872.

Day Seventeen – Interrobangs. The sexiest punctuation mark in the world?!

Day Eighteen – Water. I bet you can’t waste just some.

Day Nineteen – Cats. Not giving a shit since 8000 BC.

Day Twenty – An Extra Space After A Period. A great way for humans to fight over literally nothing.

Day Twenty-One – Pedants. Their very easy too annoy.

Day Twenty-Two – Hotel Coffee. Our unique blend of dirt and hate makes all of our guests feel like they’ve been impregnated by a demon!

Day Twenty-Three – Emails. They’re like texts you don’t have to answer.

Day Twenty-Four – Mullets. Business in the front, cry for help in the back.

Day Twenty-Five – Paranoia. It’s always right behind you.

Day Twenty-Six – Hyperbole. It is literally everywhere and it’s made of giant shark-bats.

Day Twenty-Seven – Comedy Podcasts. Without them, we would have no knowledge of stamps.com.

Day Twenty-Eight – Your Own Private Thoughts. They’re like a twitter feed you can’t unfollow.

Day Twenty-Nine – Time. It’s a predator stalking us all.

Day Thirty – ProcrastiHaters. They’re gonna hate eventually.

Day Thirty-One – Guilt. If you don’t have some, you should be ashamed.

Yours in Marketing,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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A Man and His Incorrect Fact Tweets

For more than a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, social media tweets, and now INCORRECT FACTS. Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy August’s series of Marketing Slogan tweets!

Day One – Benedict Cumberbatch’s cheekbones weigh 37 pounds EACH.

Day Two – The Fantastic Four is made up of these characters: Rock Guy, Hot Johnny, See-Through Lady, and Mr. Amazeballs.

Day Three – The original name of the Bill of Rights was Ten Amendments You Probably Don’t Comprehend The Actual Meaning Of.

Day Four – Cargo Pants were originally called Storage Trousers.

Day Five – The Batman v Superman movie will be a two hour tracking shot of every single DC character crying in the rain.

Day Six – If you eat #kale but don’t tell anyone about it, you won’t get any nutritional value.

Day Seven – John Travolta, Grumpy Cat, and the ghost of Orson Welles have all been cast in the new Star Wars movie.

Day Eight – Schrodinger’s Banana is a paradox in which he is both happy to see you and also has a banana in his pocket.

Day Nine – If you don’t respond to an email within 7 days, you will be killed by an animated gif of the girl from The Ring.

Day Ten – Coffee is healthier if you put all these things in it: butter, Kraft macaroni & cheese, meatballs, acid, poutine.

Day Eleven – There are several dating sites for comedians who just want to meet crazy people and get new material.

Day Twelve – That plastic bag you saw blowing around the street was an amazing motion capture performance by Andy Serkis.

Day Thirteen – Aquaman has a lot of friends.

Day Fourteen – “A case of the Mondays” is a polite euphemism for syphilis.

Day Fifteen – A lot of people have sex in the back of PT Cruisers.

Day Sixteen – Proposing to your significant other via a LinkedIn message is pants-droppingly romantic.

Day Seventeen – The four food groups are: Meat, kale, Doritos dust, and your feelings.

Day Eighteen – Harrison Ford’s earring is a horcrux.

Day Nineteen – The concept for The Purge is based on Trader Joe’s Parking Lots.

Day Twenty – It is illegal to not have a podcast.

Day Twenty-One – The sound bees make is not buzzing. They are screaming about Nicolas Cage.

Day Twenty-Two – Nothing weird happened in Florida today.

Day Twenty-Three – “Twitter” is a clever anagram for “I’ve wasted my life.”

Day Twenty-Four – If you mix Pop Rocks with Mountain Dew it will kill your D&D character.

Day Twenty-Five – Superman’s motto is Truth, Justice, and Sometimes Murder Is Okay.

Day Twenty-Six – The term #yolo was invented by Eleanor Roosevelt during a UFC bout right before she bit a guy’s finger off.

Day Twenty-Seven – If you blow hard enough on an old Nintendo cartridge, Mario will appear and give you three extra lives.

Day Twenty-Eight – A great name for a middle-aged male stripper is “Sex Ed.”

Day Twenty-Nine – Trough urinals in public restrooms are a great place to make eye contact with strangers.

Day Thirty – If you have an opinion and you don’t put it on the internet you will burst into flames.

Day Thirty-One – Every single episode of The Golden Girls was written by a time-traveling H.P. Lovecraft.

Yours in Ignorance,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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A Man and His Social Media Tweets

For more than a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, and now social media tweets. Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy July’s series of Incorrect Fact tweets!

Day One – RT this tweet if you prefer favs. Fav if you prefer RTs.

Day Two – Sociopaths don’t understand emoticons 🙁

Day Three – Confuse your friends by inventing new acronyms like CYFBINA

Day Four – Twitter is a micro-blogging service that lets you tell friends what you’re doing instead of answering their emails.

Day Five – Sub-Reddit is the worst player character in all of the Mortal Kombat games.

Day Six – If you like something I say in person, please fav it. I have a tattoo of a small star on my left buttock. Thank you.

Day Seven – Google Plus still exists.

Day Eight – writing in small caps makes you seem like a serial killer BUT ALL CAPS MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A HAPPY SERIAL KILLER!!!!

Day Nine – Top 3 things I say out loud when I hit send on a tweet: 1) Bam! 2) Fly, you fool! 3) Holy shit! What have I done?

Day Ten – Here’s all the other social media sites I’m on: Froolee, blubbr, tworkspaddle, crankhole, DickedOver, and alonester.

Day Eleven – It would be cool if Twitter handed out little check marks to users who are verified assholes.

Day Twelve – True story: Before I had a Facebook account, I had no idea cats existed.

Day Thirteen – If you printed out all my tweets and lined them up you would realize I’ve wasted my life.

Day Fourteen – At 12:01, Tumblr became sentient. At 12:02, Tumblr posted an animated gif about it. At 12:03, Tumblr shipped itself.

Day Fifteen – Other buttons Facebook should add: Dislike, Tolerate, Why, Nice Cat/Taco Pic, Jelly, Self-Destruct, Huzzah!

Day Sixteen – SOCIAL @media Pro-#Tip: get more http: http://followers.gov by #TWEETING *keywords* like pants, #PANTS, & %pants.

Day Seventeen – Of someone corrects you grammar’s ore spilling mistakes in social mediums, there not your’re friend!!!

Day Eighteen – You can now post animated gifs on twitter. Well, words, you had a good run. Bye.

Day Nineteen – Guide to Facebook invite responses. Yes = Maybe. Maybe = No Fucking Way. No = I’m Going To Burn Your House Down.

Day Twenty – Looking through my tweets I realize I haven’t mentioned Benedict Cumberbatch in over a week. My sincere apologies.

Day Twenty-One – True story: I put my phone in my pants and when I pulled it out, twitter had followed Shakira.

Day Twenty-Two – Just sent an invitation to all my friends on Facebook to stop playing Candy Crush and go hug someone they love.

Day Twenty-Three – If you’re running out of things to discuss with your therapist, why not get your Klout score tattooed on your butt?

Day Twenty-Four – The cool thing about social media is our society’s collapse will be SUPER well documented. Huzzah!

Day Twenty-Five – I have a private twitter account where I just make typos and then bitch at myself about them.

Day Twenty-Six – Just got this ominous email notification: You’ve been judged on GuiltFindr!

Day Twenty-Seven – I saw the greatest minds of my generation post vine videos for a few months but then they were like, “Eh, screw it.”

Day Twenty-Eight – We used to post pictures of our food on Facebook. Now it’s mostly cats. If I was a cat I would be losing my shit.

Day Twenty-Nine – In the future, we’ll gather at movie theaters to read angry tweets about summer blockbusters on the big screen.

Day Thirty – It’s sad how simple messages can be misunderstood on social media, you assholes.

Yours in Social Media Obsession,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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