Tag Archives: Procrastination

MYSELF: Obsessed Ep 74

A special, weird episode featuring host Joseph Scrimshaw discussing his obsession with himself! Featuring guest host Hal Lublin! Thrill to such topics as Benedict Cumberbatch, small dogs, feminism, the best episodes of Doctor Who for cats, spending student loans on action figures, the phrase “dark wiggle room,” and much more. Special thanks to Patreon backers for unlocking this episode as a milestone goal!

Thanks as always to Molly Lewis for our theme song!

AWOOGA! Obsessed is now a part of Feral Audio! Go to Feral now to listen to this episode and subscribe for new ones!

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

If you enjoy the podcast, you can help make it happen by supporting me on Patreon!

Leave a Comment

Filed under Obsessed, Podcast

A Man and His Writing Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, and now writing tips! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy December’s series of Tweets!

Day One – It’s important to stick to a schedule. Try to make it through at least 2000 excuses for not writing every day.

Day Two – It’s important to edit. Use violent metaphors. Kill your babies. Murder dolphins. Cut your arm off. Anger horses. EDIT.

Day Three – All novels are better with a ripped, time-traveling Scottish highlander/vampire who will die if he ever puts a shirt on.

Day Four – Remember: A great novel should have a very ambiguous title. Grass of Change. Shaft of Light. Whatever of Bullshit Town.

Day Five – Write at least 2000 words a day. They shouldn’t all be the same word, though. Don’t just write “murder” 2000 times.

Day Six – You must write what you know. That’s why all books are about people sitting at computers trying to decide what to write.

Day Seven – Eventually, a team of monkeys with typewriters will PLAGIARIZE SHAKESPEARE. Don’t be a monkey, write YOUR story.

Day Eight – All poems should rhyme. All fables should have a moral. All novels should have a slash fiction scene with Captain Kirk.

Day Nine – Remember: A deadline is just the day and time you will be MURDERED if you don’t get your writing done.

Day Ten – Always remember: Writing is lying. Fill your book with outrageous bullshit. Like dragons and emotionally stable people.

Day Eleven – It’s okay if your first draft sucks. In fact, it should. If your first draft is good, you’re probably a horrible writer.

Day Twelve – Some helpful, relaxing writing prompts: fear, deadline, blinking cursor, terror, sweating whiskey, life goals, pantsless.

Day Thirteen – Edit out all your unnecessary, enchanting, juicy, sizzling, quixotic, meaty, perfumed, luminous, mighty adjectives.

Day Fourteen – Writing IS rewriting. It took me sixteen drafts to write this fucking tweet.

Day Fifteen – Important questions about your novel: Is it unique? Honest? Does it have enough sexy amish vampires doing wood sculpture?

Day Sixteen – Pro-Tip: Try sending rejection letters back to publishers all marked up with your notes on their prose style.

Day Seventeen – If you’re not writing fast enough put on jazz music and mime hitting the typewriter return carriage after every line.

Day Eighteen – “Ghost written” means literally written by ghosts. That’s why pages flip & blood shoots out of celebrity autobiographies.

Day Nineteen – Writing is a fire in your soul. It’s an aching in your heart. It’s a knife in your brain. Writing murdered your family.

Day Twenty – All stories should have a beginning, a middle, a knife fight, sex in a bathroom at Arby’s, ponies, cake, and an ending.

Day Twenty-One – Here’s a free sentence to start your noir novel: “He had a face like a traffic accident and I was the first responder.”

Day Twenty-Two – Writing is like sex in that it’s like riding a bike. You do it with friends and you wear a helmet. This is a first draft.

Day Twenty-Three – If you’re having a hard time writing, write a time travel story where future you yells at present you for not writing.

Day Twenty-Four – Writing is just order putting words into so sense of the idea makes. Brain magic!

Day Twenty-Five – Pro-tip: Avoid cliches by smashing two cliches together. For example: “Throwing up in my mouth a little for a friend.”

Day Twenty-Six – Writing is like being a GOD. A lazy GOD who writes for 10 minutes then plays Candy Crush all day and calls it research.

Day Twenty-Seven – Remember the key to a heartwarming novel is a lot of brief scenes viciously mocking those who have wronged you.

Day Twenty-Eight – Holidays are special times for writers to gather with their families & write down crazy shit they say to put in a novel.

Day Twenty-Nine – It’s okay if your first draft sucks. After all, your whole life is a first draft you can’t revise. Wait. That’s horrible.

Day Thirty – Pro-Tip: If you’re not sure how to end your novel, just stop writing mid-sentence and add THE END???

Your friend in writing,


If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.


Filed under Daily Tweet Collection

What did you do, Joseph, what did you do?

I suspect I am not alone in feeling as though I am never really getting enough done. While I try not to procrastinate too much, I do make jokes about procrastinating a lot. When I realize I’m procrastinating, I have a lot of little motivational phrases I say out loud to myself. One of them is this:

“Get back to work, you idiot.”

And if I don’t get back to work, I sometimes follow up with:

“You are a bad and stupid person.”

Then I feel guilty that I’m being so mean to myself and I try to make it up to me by allowing myself to make a joke on Twitter about procrastinating. And the cycle continues.

This year, I decided to actually review my calendar and make a list of (almost) everything I did. Please enjoy procrastinating from your work to read about mine!


I worked with John Kovalic on some spec scripts and started writing daily tweets for @DrBlinkShrink.

I did two shows at The San Francisco SketchFest. CineMadness with Bill Corbett and a short version of my geek stand-up/storytelling show, Comedy of Doom.

I performed the role of “Balthazar, D & D Champion” in promotional videos for a company called Awesome Dice.

I co-wrote an internal awards show for General Mills.

I made jokes on Twitter about procrastinating.


I launched the Obsessed podcast as both a live show in Minneapolis and released the first episode online. There have been 10 live shows that have generated 16 podcast episodes.

I wrote a sketch for a magician.

I wrote and performed (with Shanan Custer) a commentary about smartphones for Minnesota Public Radio.

I did a story with the spoken word collective The Rockstar Storytellers.

I was one of the entertainers on JoCoCruiseCrazy II. I performed a full length version of Comedy of Doom. I was thrilled to get a surprise volunteer named Wil Wheaton for my Star Trek bit. I also played the role of “Ed McMahon” on Paul & Storm’s podcast with Paul F. Tompkins.

I gave a talk in a bar about zombies and Minnesota geek culture for the Minnesota Historical Society.

I made jokes on Facebook about procrastinating.


I performed at the Twin Cities convention Mars Con.

I started working as an occasional writer and performer on Wits. Since March, I’ve written for and/or performed with Tim Meadows, Rhett Miller, Andy Richter, Reggie Watts, Fred Willard, Paul F. Tompkins, Wyatt Cenac, Bobcat Goldthwait, Amy Sedaris, Dave Foley, Mike Doughty, Maria Bamford, and Brandi Carlile. And of course host John Moe, John Munson and The Witnesses, and other frequent Wits performers Bill Corbett, Kevin Murphy, and Neil Gaiman.

I went out to eat with my wife on her birthday. She mentioned maybe I should write a book.

I made jokes on Google+ about procrastinating.


I did another story with the Rockstar Storytellers.

I wrote and did eight performances of a one person stand-up show about vampires, stand-up, and vampires doing stand-up called The Sad Vampire Comedy Hour.

I wrote and performed a short story as part of a Minnesota Public Radio showcase led by Kevin Kling.

I did three performances and presentations about using comedy to discuss history for the American Alliance of Museums convention.

I did not get around to making any jokes on social media about procrastinating.


I launched a Kickstarter campaign to fund the book version of Comedy of Doom.

I wrote a lot of new material for the book. I edited the material from the stage version. I took photos for the cover and organized all the illustrations for the book. I hit refresh on the Kickstarter page roughly 700 times a day.

My odd little rock band called Math Emergency (composed of a math professor, a public radio producer, a public radio host, and me) played a gig. I played the drums and made jokes into a microphone.

I appeared on the AON podcast.

I made jokes on Twitter about spending too much time on Twitter.


I went on my friends’ annual bar crawl. I only note this because, while fun, going to 13 bars in 12 hours does feel a bit like work.

I appeared on the Vilification Tennis podcast where I cemented my reputation as an Axl Rose apologist.

I did another story with the Rockstar Storytellers.

I did multiple rounds of proofing and editing on the book and we sent it off to be printed. Comedy of Doom was officially published on June 20, 2012.

I wrote the pilot for an animated series version of the web comic Least I Could Do.

I made mean jokes about Google+ on Twitter.


We sent out all the copies of Comedy of Doom to the kind Kickstarter backers.

I attended the big Twin Cities convention CONvergence. I wrote and performed a one person storytelling and stand-up show about romantic advice for geeks called Verbing The Noun. We’ll be releasing a CD and digital download of the show in time for Valentine’s Day 2013. I did a live Obsessed show with Paul Cornell and Bonnie Burton. I did 10 other comedy panels and a signing for Comedy of Doom.

I went to San Diego Comic-Con. I performed at w00tstock. I had fun meetings, fancy parties, and saw a lot of men dressed as Jedi having a hard time at urinals.

I did another story with the Rockstar Storytellers.

I co-wrote and performed a comedy show called Comedy: The Show with Four Humors Theater on the Centennial Showboat in St. Paul, Minnesota.

I made a quick trip to Los Angeles for a friend’s birthday party. I even wrote something for that.

I made mean jokes about Google+ on Facebook.


I wrote, produced, and performed in an hour long one act play called Nightmare Without Pants for the Minnesota Fringe Festival. Here is a three minute live video preview of the show, in which I perform an accidental magic trick with a pair of rip-away pants.

Due to the stubborn forward movement of time I became a year older on August 17th.

I performed and did some comedy panels at Dragon*Con in Atlanta.

I made jokes about Google+ on Google+.


I was still at Dragon*Con. For one panel, I was challenged to sing “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.” I attempted to do it in the style of Nine Inch Nails. It’s a better song that way.

I did a performance at Space Camp with Marian Call, Molly Lewis, Ken Plume, Phil Plait, and more.

Obsessed was featured on iTunes as “New & Noteworthy” and a “Staff Favorite.”

I co-wrote, helped to organize, and performed in a large awards show for the Minnesota theater community called The Iveys.

I did a podcast with the awesome Len Peralta and became a trading card for his Geek-A-Week series.

I hosted and performed at a viewing of the Doctor Who episode “The Angels Take Manhattan” at The Parkway Theater.

I tried to treat Google+ with a little more respect.


I co-produced, directed, and wrote a piece for a theater event called Thirst. It’s a series of short one-act plays performed in a bar. The show had three performances and it was a benefit to fight for Marriage Equality in Minnesota. Here’s the monologue I wrote about Harry Potter and kindness.

I joined The Ladies of Ragnarok (Molly Lewis, The Doubleclicks, and tour manager Dammit Liz) for a leg of their tour. I performed in Chicago, Minneapolis, and Madison. The Ladies also appeared on Obsessed.

I recorded the audiobook version of Comedy of Doom. We’re still working on editing and mastering the hours of audio.

I did another show with the Rockstar Storytellers.

I wrote and performed a ghost story for Torch Theater in Minneapolis.

I played another gig with Math Emergency.

I started a Tumblr account and wrote a thing about Halloween.


I used National Novel Writing Month as a motivation to work on some screenplays. I finished plotting and scripting the first drafts of two feature length films. Now working on second drafts.

My wife and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. The traditional gift is iron. The contemporary gift is candy. We gave one another Iron Man Pez dispensers.

I tried to make fun of Google+ on Tumblr, but I felt like I was kicking a puppy.


I wrote and performed the short story Adult Santa for The New Standards holiday show at the Fitzgerald Theater in St. Paul, Minnesota.

I did another story with the Rockstar Storytellers.

We (and by “we” I really mean my wife Sara and my graphic designer, Matthew Foster) made Comedy of Doom available on Kindle, Nook, iBooks, Kobo, and many stores in the Twin Cities.

I wrote a story about the grim superhero The Leaping Lord for Paul Cornell’s 12 Blogs of Christmas.

I started writing a new stand-up/storytelling show that I’ll be performing on JoCoCruiseCrazy III.

I started writing another stand-up/storytelling show that I’ll be performing at the Bryant-Lake Bowl in Minneapolis in March of 2013.

I booked guests for Obsessed through March of 2013.

I wrote some stuff that I’ll perform for my annual New Year’s Eve show at the Bryant Lake Bowl.

I made fun of LinkedIn on Facebook, Twitter, Google+, and Tumblr.

I debated whether or not I should write this. I stared off into space and screwed around on social media. I beat myself up about procrastinating. I forced myself to write this. I read it. I thought about all the amazing creative people I got to meet and work with this year. I ran the post by my wife and business partner without whom none of the above would be remotely possible.

Later tonight, I’ll watch some TV, drink a martini, and think about ways to get even more done in 2013.

I’m going to start by coming up with some new motivational phrases.

I think I’ll try:

“Come on, you idiot, get stuff done so you have something to blog about next year.”


“Stop calling yourself an idiot, you jackass.”

And then I’ll hug myself and move on.

Happy New Year’s,



Filed under Comedy Real Life