Singer, songwriter,and comedian Allie Goertz is an expert on The Simpsons–a show that has been on the air for her entire life. Thrill to such discussions as: What is “the original trilogy” of The Simpsons? Can you communicate with another human using only Simpsons gifs? Is everything really coming up Milhouse? Would Krusty the Clown be a good guest on @midnight? PLUS: A Simpsons character comments on Joseph’s Patreon!
Monthly Archives: April 2014
This comedy blog post was made possible by Patreon. One of the rewards for becoming a Patreon backer is suggesting a topic for the blog. Two different patrons, Jen Manna and Jim Crider, suggested discussing the Midwestern perspective of Los Angeles. Jim wondered about how I would adjust as a Minnesotan. Would I be treated as a “fish out of water?” Jen expressed valid concerns about “Asshole Weather Updates” bragging about the sun and lack of snow. This is a frequent problem when a midwestern person moves to my new home, Los Angeles. Here’s a story that sums up a deep misunderstanding of both my old and new homes! Enjoy!
My wife and I moved to Los Angeles primarily for career reasons. But on top of that, I was personally incredibly done with winter and the snow.
Here are the some of the jokes I posted on twitter to try to cope with the winter:
- Snowflakes are falling. They are all unique. And yet they are all assholes.
- Did you know Minnesotans have over 72 different swear words for snow?
- My wife is RAKING snow off of our roof. Where’s your damn song dreaming about that, Bing Crosby???
I had to move, if no other reason, because I was running out of ways to express my personally being done with the winter.
When I posted that I was moving to Los Angeles, I was lucky enough to receive mostly positive, supportive feedback. Although there were some nasty things said about both the Midwest and Los Angeles.
But a couple of people said something that struck me as very odd. I’m paraphrasing, but they said, “Okay. You might be escaping the snow by moving to Los Angeles, but you’re just trading it…FOR FIRE.”
I understand it gets very dry and fires are a real concern in Southern California. But comparing fire to SNOW to a person from MINNESOTA made something break in my brain.
Having now lived in both the Midwest and Southern California, I’ve noticed there are several CRUCIAL differences between fire and snow.
I’m pretty sure that here in LA, the sky is not going to RAIN FIRE ON ME FROM ABOVE for six to seven months of the year.
I’m probably not going to make plans with friends and then be unable to get there because my car got stuck in the fire. Sorry, guys! I tried to push it out but the tires exploded.
Since I moved to Los Angeles, I have spent exactly ZERO MINUTES of my life scraping an inferno off of my car’s windshield.
I don’t have to put on layers and layers of flame retardant hats, coats, scarves, boots, and mittens every time I step out of my home.
You don’t hear people in Los Angeles say, “You know the fire is so beautiful when it first comes. You know, right around Christmas, you look outside and your neighbor’s house is just engulfed in flames? So beautiful! And the kids are outside throwing fireballs like they’re Super Mario? And the little ones are inside singing that great Disney power ballad LET IT BURN over and over again! It’s all so romantic! But then around March, you’re just like GO AWAY FIRE! YOU’VE BURNED EVERYTHING I’VE EVER KNOWN AND LOVED AND I WANT TO GO TO TRADER JOE’S WITHOUT IMMOLATING MYSELF!”
In fact, did you know that native Angelenos have over 72 different words for fire?
Fire, flames, heat curtain, infernonado, super hot juice cleanse, the REAL burning man. The list goes on and on.
Anyway, I have not yet burst into flames in Los Angeles. I’ve enjoyed the weather, but I’ve enjoyed it in the spirit of the Midwest–quietly, calmly, and without posting asshole comments to my friends back in Minnesota.
And so far, all the Angelenos I’ve met have been welcoming and kind to a newbie from the Midwest. Even the guy who decided to hit on me at 11 pm on Sunset Boulevard.
A man who like me was wearing a jacket (thus being grossly overdressed for LA) approached me. I thought maybe he was a fellow Midwestern human. Before he could reach me, the wave of alcohol hit me like advance troops storming the beach. He started to say something and I said, “I’m sorry. I’m not interested.”
I turned to walk away and he yelled something else. I thought there was no way I could have heard it right so I turned back and asked, “What?”
He repeated himself. He yelled, “It’s okay! You can trust me! I’m a presidential candidate!”
This was funny to me on a minimum of two levels.
I laughed to myself and continued down Sunset to walk back to my new home in Los Angeles. A home that I knew was not buried in eight feet of fire.
The man yelled one more thing.
“I REALLY LIKE YOUR JACKET.”
Maybe he was from the Midwest after all.
If you enjoyed the post, check out my Patreon page! Thank you!
Writer and theater professional Kayla Cagan loves Grease 2. A movie featuring songs about sex in nuclear bunkers and a guy named Brad! Learn how the movie taught Kayla to laugh at sex, eat french fries aggressively, and just be yourself. Thrill to discussions of subjective versus objective and the pitch meeting for The Human Centipede! PLUS: A brief song about Joseph’s Patreon!
There are a lot of posts about Game of Thrones. Some of them are by people who’ve read the book. Some of them are by people watching the HBO show. Regardless, they’re all very dangerous to read depending on how much you know. It’s like that one Game of Thrones lady always says, “The internet is dark and full of spoilers.” So if you can’t decide whether or not you want to know what’s happening, here’s a post you can read with ZERO RISK OF SPOILERS because it is utterly full of shit.
Game of Thrones is a series of novels and a TV show by world-renowned fantasy author Gerald J.J. Martian. One day someone asked Gerald J.J. Martian to play a game of “Fuck, Marry, or Kill” with the characters of Lord of the Rings and he went absolutely crazy with it.
The story is about about a bunch of people who all want to be the leader and sit on the Idiot Throne. It’s called the Idiot Throne because they all know they’re going to get killed because of it, but they’re still optimistic that things will work out.
Who are these idiots?
Well, there are a lot of characters, but these are the MAIN characters.
Sir Tiberion Teedlewood Taddlewonker
Susan of Nachos
Lord Gaggleberry Bighat
Kayla, Kyla, and Kaylee MacJeggings
Lady Vowels Consonants
These characters all have titles that let you know how they relate to one another and places and stuff. Here are their titles:
King of the Upper Middle Northwest
Regent of the Southparts
Teaser of the Corn District
Master Plumber of Seaworld
The Queen’s Fanny Pack
Grand Maester Coachella
Mother of Discounts
The Guy Who Holds The Swords
Friend of the Diresquirrels
The Spleen of the King
Lord of Crapplethorn Rock
Vice President of Social Media Integration
Keeper of the Hentai
Chancellor of Edible Floral Arrangements
Shambling Mass of Fear and Regret
Admin of the Webring
Even if you haven’t read or watched Game of Thrones you’ve probably picked up on some of the phrases and family mottos that get used a lot. Here are some of the famous ones.
Foreshadowing is coming.
All Men Must Chill the Fuck Out.
The King is Dead! So is this one! Son of a bitch! What are we going to do?
A Ladyhands always pays with credit.
You know nothing, Mister Asshole!
I am the one who knocks.
Valuable Savings, Margolis.
Say “verily” one more time, motherfucker!
Please don’t cut off my penis.
I am the guardian of the shield of the wall of the connecting words
Keep Calm and Die Quietly
Girls Just Want To Have Fun.
When you play the Game of Thrones, could you please wait until I’m done talking to stab me?
As you’ve probably heard, a lot of the characters die. Actually, at this point in the story all the characters have died. The rest of the TV shows are just really long IN MEMORIAM videos. Here are all the different ways the characters die.
Disemboweled with a rake
Ate a poisoned Hot Pocket
Literally hoisted on an actual petard
Accidentally cut their own head off
Throat ripped out by Diresquirrels
Strangled with their own intestines
Shot through the head with seventeen arrows
Trampled by turtles
Burnt alive by exotic bath salts
Strangled with their best friend’s intestines
Legs eaten by a horse, arms by dragon, head by a goat
Mixed 7-Up with Pop Rocks
Pushed off a very tall bed
Said “verily” one more time
Torn apart by a shaky cam
Strangled by another character whose name is Intestines
And that’s it! Now you know LITERALLY EVERYTHING about Gerald J.J. Martian’s epic fantasy series Game of Thrones! So the next time someone walks up to you and says “You know nothing, Mister Asshole!” you can laugh and wink and say, “I also have cultural knowledge, you insufferable prick!”
Or just murder them with a Hot Pocket!
Whatever happens, go with the flow, because if there’s one central idea to Game of Thrones, it’s this:
Actions never have consequences!
Thanks and enjoy Game of Thrones!
If you enjoyed this comedy blog post, you can help make more comedy posts, albums, podcasts, and more happen by supporting Joseph on Patreon!
Actor, comedian, charming human Hal Lublin of the Thrilling Adventure Hour is obsessed with Pro-Wrestling. Join us for a macho discussion of giant muscular humans beating one another up as a form of theater! Cheer as Hal body slams such questions as: What would you hit people with? How would you feel if Hulk Hogan was your father? Is pro-wrestling the nerd/jock singularity after all? PLUS: Hal improvises a special pro-wrestling promo for Joseph’s Patreon!
Joseph and his martinis decided to do some fast dirty interviews onboard Jonathan Coulton’sfourth annual music-comedy-nerd cruise. A plethora of cruise-goers including Grant Imahara, John Scalzi, The Doubleclicks, and more answer questions about the cruise, community, alcohol, Angry Clown Island, Beyonce, Lord of the Flies, and more. PLUS: A very special version of the Obsessed theme song by Molly Lewis.
For just over a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, resolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, and now Urban Myths! Enjoy!
You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy April’s series of very important tweets about pastries!
Day One – If you read three correct facts in a row on Wikipedia you will die in seven days.
Day Two – The best way to get rid of the hiccups is to put a bag over your head. The bag MUST be full of bees.
Day Three – If you mix Pop Rocks with Crystal Pepsi and drink it you will travel back in time to 1992.
Day Four – If you feed an American some Poutine after midnight they will turn into a Canadian.
Day Five – If you say your own name out loud three times a life coach will appear.
Day Six – If you go more than 7 days without tweeting about Benedict Cumberbatch, twitter suspends your account.
Day Seven – The average person swallows 300 people dressed as Spider-Man over the course of their life.
Day Eight – If you say the name of “The Scottish Play” in a theater your pants turn into a kilt.
Day Nine – Every truck in Portland is a taco truck.
Day Ten – Dingoes do not eat babies. They love babies. Some of the finest daycare centers in Australia are run by dingoes.
Day Eleven – The Richard Gere gerbil story is ridiculous and untrue. That said, Tom Cruise once put an entire llama up his butt.
Day Twelve – This guy I know once opened a diet coke can and the whole thing was filled with actual cocaine.
Day Thirteen – There is a Taco Bell in Detroit that is owned and operated by a family of raccoons.
Day Fourteen – Benedict Cumberbatch is actually a charming, complex muppet operated by the ghost of Jim Henson.
Day Fifteen – Things you CAN pick up from toilet seats: butt leprosy, full-blown jerkface syndrome, a lateral lisp & toilet rickets.
Day Sixteen – Every time you take a selfie you are stealing your own soul and then giving it back to yourself.
Day Seventeen – Every three leaf clover is EXTREMELY bad luck so the whole world is pretty much fucked.
Day Eighteen – If you pull a normal person’s finger they fart. If you pull a rich person’s finger, quarters come out of their butt.
Day Nineteen – They tease you because they like you.
Day Twenty – If you yell “fire” in a crowded theater you will burst into flames. It’s a cool trick, but only once.
Day Twenty-One – Trader Joe’s Pinot Grigio wine is actually made from sugar and the tears of white people watching The Bachelor.
Day Twenty-Two – There have been mole people living under New York for 100 years but only because the sewers are rent controlled.
Day Twenty-Three – If you listen to any Michael Bolton song backwards you can hear Satan refuse to buy his soul.
Day Twenty-Four – If you hit Reply All to respond to an email your message will be sent to everyone you have ever had sex with.
Day Twenty-Five – Every time you hear a sad trombone, an angel’s wings fall off.
Day Twenty-Six – If you stand in front of a microwave you will slowly develop the power to shoot Lean Cuisine meals out of your hands.
Day Twenty-Seven – If you don’t change your Facebook privacy settings, Mark Zuckerberg can come to your home and poke you.
Day Twenty-Eight – It’s okay to pee in a swimming pool because the chemicals in chlorine wash away your memories of being a monster.
Day Twenty-Nine – Aliens landed in New Mexico in the 1940s and immediately started making great meth.
Day Thirty – If you have a smartphone and you go more than 10 minutes without looking at it, it will start screaming.
Day Thirty-One – If you watch any VHS tape, you will die eventually.
Your mythical friend,
If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.