There are a lot of posts about Game of Thrones. Some of them are by people who’ve read the book. Some of them are by people watching the HBO show. Regardless, they’re all very dangerous to read depending on how much you know. It’s like that one Game of Thrones lady always says, “The internet is dark and full of spoilers.” So if you can’t decide whether or not you want to know what’s happening, here’s a post you can read with ZERO RISK OF SPOILERS because it is utterly full of shit.
Game of Thrones is a series of novels and a TV show by world-renowned fantasy author Gerald J.J. Martian. One day someone asked Gerald J.J. Martian to play a game of “Fuck, Marry, or Kill” with the characters of Lord of the Rings and he went absolutely crazy with it.
The story is about about a bunch of people who all want to be the leader and sit on the Idiot Throne. It’s called the Idiot Throne because they all know they’re going to get killed because of it, but they’re still optimistic that things will work out.
Who are these idiots?
Well, there are a lot of characters, but these are the MAIN characters.
Sir Tiberion Teedlewood Taddlewonker
Susan of Nachos
Lord Gaggleberry Bighat
Kayla, Kyla, and Kaylee MacJeggings
Lady Vowels Consonants
These characters all have titles that let you know how they relate to one another and places and stuff. Here are their titles:
King of the Upper Middle Northwest
Regent of the Southparts
Teaser of the Corn District
Master Plumber of Seaworld
The Queen’s Fanny Pack
Grand Maester Coachella
Mother of Discounts
The Guy Who Holds The Swords
Friend of the Diresquirrels
The Spleen of the King
Lord of Crapplethorn Rock
Vice President of Social Media Integration
Keeper of the Hentai
Chancellor of Edible Floral Arrangements
Shambling Mass of Fear and Regret
Admin of the Webring
Even if you haven’t read or watched Game of Thrones you’ve probably picked up on some of the phrases and family mottos that get used a lot. Here are some of the famous ones.
Foreshadowing is coming.
All Men Must Chill the Fuck Out.
The King is Dead! So is this one! Son of a bitch! What are we going to do?
A Ladyhands always pays with credit.
You know nothing, Mister Asshole!
I am the one who knocks.
Valuable Savings, Margolis.
Say “verily” one more time, motherfucker!
Please don’t cut off my penis.
I am the guardian of the shield of the wall of the connecting words
Keep Calm and Die Quietly
Girls Just Want To Have Fun.
When you play the Game of Thrones, could you please wait until I’m done talking to stab me?
As you’ve probably heard, a lot of the characters die. Actually, at this point in the story all the characters have died. The rest of the TV shows are just really long IN MEMORIAM videos. Here are all the different ways the characters die.
Disemboweled with a rake
Ate a poisoned Hot Pocket
Literally hoisted on an actual petard
Accidentally cut their own head off
Throat ripped out by Diresquirrels
Strangled with their own intestines
Shot through the head with seventeen arrows
Trampled by turtles
Burnt alive by exotic bath salts
Strangled with their best friend’s intestines
Legs eaten by a horse, arms by dragon, head by a goat
Mixed 7-Up with Pop Rocks
Pushed off a very tall bed
Said “verily” one more time
Torn apart by a shaky cam
Strangled by another character whose name is Intestines
And that’s it! Now you know LITERALLY EVERYTHING about Gerald J.J. Martian’s epic fantasy series Game of Thrones! So the next time someone walks up to you and says “You know nothing, Mister Asshole!” you can laugh and wink and say, “I also have cultural knowledge, you insufferable prick!”
Or just murder them with a Hot Pocket!
Whatever happens, go with the flow, because if there’s one central idea to Game of Thrones, it’s this:
Actions never have consequences!
Thanks and enjoy Game of Thrones!
If you enjoyed this comedy blog post, you can help make more comedy posts, albums, podcasts, and more happen by supporting Joseph on Patreon!