Tag Archives: Minneapolis

LET IT BURN!

This comedy blog post was made possible by Patreon. One of the rewards for becoming a Patreon backer is suggesting a topic for the blog. Two different patrons, Jen Manna and Jim Crider, suggested discussing the Midwestern perspective of Los Angeles. Jim wondered about how I would adjust as a  Minnesotan. Would I be treated as a “fish out of water?” Jen expressed valid concerns about “Asshole Weather Updates” bragging about the sun and lack of snow. This is a frequent problem when a midwestern person moves to my new home, Los Angeles. Here’s a story that sums up a deep misunderstanding of both my old and new homes! Enjoy!

Let It Burn

My wife and I moved to Los Angeles primarily for career reasons. But on top of that, I was personally incredibly done with winter and the snow.

Here are the some of the jokes I posted on twitter to try to cope with the winter:

  • Snowflakes are falling. They are all unique. And yet they are all assholes.
  • Did you know Minnesotans have over 72 different swear words for snow?
  • My wife is RAKING snow off of our roof. Where’s your damn song dreaming about that, Bing Crosby???

I had to move, if no other reason, because I was running out of ways to express my personally being done with the winter.

When I posted that I was moving to Los Angeles, I was lucky enough to receive mostly positive, supportive feedback. Although there were some nasty things said about both the Midwest and Los Angeles.

But a couple of people said something that struck me as very odd. I’m paraphrasing, but they said, “Okay. You might be escaping the snow by moving to Los Angeles, but you’re just trading it…FOR FIRE.”

I understand it gets very dry and fires are a real concern in Southern California. But comparing fire to SNOW to a person from MINNESOTA made something break in my brain.

Having now lived in both the Midwest and Southern California, I’ve noticed there are several CRUCIAL differences between fire and snow.

I’m pretty sure that here in LA, the sky is not going to RAIN FIRE ON ME FROM ABOVE for six to seven months of the year.

I’m  probably not going to make plans with friends and then be unable to get there because my car got stuck in the fire. Sorry, guys! I tried to push it out but the tires exploded.

Since I moved to Los Angeles, I have spent exactly ZERO MINUTES of my life scraping an inferno off of my car’s windshield.

I don’t have to put on layers and layers of flame retardant hats, coats, scarves, boots, and mittens every time I step out of my home.

You don’t hear people in Los Angeles say, “You know the fire is so beautiful when it first comes. You know, right around Christmas, you look outside and your neighbor’s house is just engulfed in flames? So beautiful! And the kids are outside throwing fireballs like they’re Super Mario? And the little ones are inside singing that great Disney power ballad LET IT BURN over and over again! It’s all so romantic! But then around March, you’re just like GO AWAY FIRE! YOU’VE BURNED EVERYTHING I’VE EVER KNOWN AND LOVED AND I WANT TO GO TO TRADER JOE’S WITHOUT IMMOLATING MYSELF!”

In fact, did you know that native Angelenos have over 72 different words for fire?

Fire, flames, heat curtain, infernonado, super hot juice cleanse, the REAL burning man. The list goes on and on.

Anyway, I have not yet burst into flames in Los Angeles. I’ve enjoyed the weather, but I’ve enjoyed it in the spirit of the Midwest–quietly, calmly, and without posting asshole comments to my friends back in Minnesota.

And so far, all the Angelenos I’ve met have been welcoming and kind to a newbie from the Midwest. Even the guy who decided to hit on me at 11 pm on Sunset Boulevard.

A man who like me was wearing a jacket (thus being grossly overdressed for LA) approached me. I thought maybe he was a fellow Midwestern human. Before he could reach me, the wave of alcohol hit me like advance troops storming the beach. He started to say something and I said, “I’m sorry. I’m not interested.”

I turned to walk away and he yelled something else. I thought there was no way I could have heard it right so I turned back and asked, “What?”

He repeated himself. He yelled, “It’s okay! You can trust me! I’m a presidential candidate!”

This was funny to me on a minimum of two levels.

I laughed to myself and continued down Sunset to walk back to my new home in Los Angeles. A home that I knew was not buried in eight feet of fire.

The man yelled one more thing.

“I REALLY LIKE YOUR JACKET.”

Maybe he was from the Midwest after all.

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Filed under Comedy Real Life, Comedy Trip

HOLLYWOOD AND/OR BUST

Big life news!

After many years of calling Minneapolis home, my wonderful wife Sara Stevenson Scrimshaw and I are moving to Los Angeles. Los Angeles, California. I don’t know if there is a Los Angeles in Ohio or Cambodia or any other place, but we’re not moving there, we’re moving to Los Angeles, California.

Below is an FAQ. These are questions I’ve frequently been asking myself about the move. If you think you might enjoy reading my (frankly pretty informative) inner dialogue, then please continue reading!

Q: WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

A: There are many reasons. When Sara and I first got married we agreed we wanted to try living different places. We did a pretty good job of that by living in TWO DIFFERENT PLACES in South Minneapolis, but it’s time for a real change.

Sara is interested in exploring new job opportunities.

After a lot of visits and investigation, I’m convinced Los Angeles, California is the best place to pursue the kind of comedy performance and comedy writing that makes me happy.

Also, I really do want to break-up with snow.

Q: BUT ISN’T MINNEAPOLIS AWESOME?

A: Yes, yes, it is. Saint Paul is not bad, either. When I was a little kid my parents had a pack of playing cards with a picture of the IDS, the big blue skyscraper in the middle of Downtown Minneapolis. At the time we lived in Brainerd–also known as “The Paris of Northern Minnesota.”

I was fascinated by that big blue, sci-fi looking building. I wanted to go to the big city and be a part of things. Years later, I worked in the IDS building at Kinko’s. I’ve done a show on the 50th floor. I’ve been on dates, laughed with friends, had a homeless guy say he would like to shoot me but couldn’t afford a gun–all in that building.

When I see the IDS all of this flashes through my mind. To me, it’s Minneapolis. It’s been a part of me since my earliest memories and it always will be.

But it’s time to check out some other skyscrapers.

Q: THAT’S ALL NICE AND ROMANTIC–WAY TO USE YOUR LIBERAL ARTS DEGREE–BUT WHEN ARE YOU ACTUALLY MOVING?

A: We’ll be making the transition–going back and forth a little bit–over the next several weeks with the goal to be all settled in Los Angeles, California by the end of March.

Q: WILL YOU EVER BE BACK IN MINNEAPOLIS?

A: Yes, thanks for that nice segue. I’ll be back in July to perform at CONvergence. Check the LIVE SHOWS section of this very website for details on this and other shows across the country.

Q: DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT LOS ANGELES?

A: Yes. I’ve been there several times and I’m lucky enough to know a lot of cool people. I look forward to hanging out and doing fun weird creative things with friends, fellow performers, writers, and all of their small, adorable dogs. Plus, I’ve watched every season of 24 so I know it only takes 5 to 15 minutes to drive anywhere in the metro area.

Q: WILL YOU BECOME A TOTALLY PRO-WEST COAST GUY OR WILL YOU BE ONE OF THOSE GUYS WHO LIVES IN LOS ANGELES BUT CONSTANTLY TALKS ABOUT HOW GREAT THE MIDWEST IS?

A: All I can say for sure is that I will make fun of both places equally.

Q: WHEN WILL YOU DO YOUR FIRST JUICE CLEANSE?

A: When it snows in Los Angeles.

I think that’s it! Thanks for reading and thanks for your support during this weird transitional time.

Sincerely,
Joseph “I’m really done with snow” Scrimshaw

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On being a Lady (of Ragnarok)

I was thrilled to be a special guest performer and honorary lady on the Ladies of Ragnarok tour. The titular ladies are singer/songwriters Molly Lewis, The Doubleclicks, and tour manager Dammit Liz.

I joined the ladies for shows in Chicago, Minneapolis, and Madison. What follows is a behind-the-scenes peek at the insanity.

When I met up with the ladies, the first thing they did was buy some uppers on the streets of Chicago.

Then we went for a ride in their van. They had a lot of duct tape in the back. It was like they wanted to kidnap people, but keep it lighthearted and fun.

They took me to visit a giant reflective statue that is meant to symbolize successful grant applications and tourism. It also looks like a giant space guy dropped his space burrito.

The function of the space burrito seems to be primarily photo taking. It emits a hypnotic suggestion convincing humans to take awkward bathroom mirror MySpace photos with half of Chicago in the background. I have no memory of taking this photo.

Then we met up with Bill Corbett and did a fun show. I told jokes about Star Wars, condoms, and poetry. I sold copies of my book Comedy of Doom. A man dressed as a pirate paid me with fifteen shiny dollar coins. He said nice things as well as “aaarr.”


Later, in my hotel room, I was disturbed by the CLEAN REMOTE. I couldn’t sleep because I was wondering how many businessmen had ordered dirty adult films using the clean remote.

We went to Minneapolis and did a show. I told jokes about James Bond, haunted smartphones, and mortality. We were joined by Kevin Murphy and a Velociraptor. (Kevin Murphy not pictured.)

Then, the ladies were guests on my podcast OBSESSED which will be out in a few weeks. After that we went to Madison and did a show with Dr.Noise. I told jokes about superheroes and bears and chatted with the audience about tacos. The show was held in a gaming room attached to a game store. The store had very severe rules.

We obeyed the rules and everyone was happy. There was also a man named Benjamin on the tour who had the job of dealing with all of the Velociraptor’s needs.

The photos above represent some of the finest photos I have ever taken. Like I’m probably going to take that big frame off the wall and swap out my wedding photos for these.

Thanks to the Ladies of Ragnarok for the fun shows, fun times, and, of course, the Velociraptor photo opportunities.

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Filed under Comedy Trip