A Man and His Story Tweets

For almost two years I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, social media tweets, incorrect facts, slogans, and Conspiracy tweets, Spooky Tweets, and now Story Tweets Enjoy!

After almost two years, I’m taking a break from the Daily Tweets, but you can still follow me on twitter for important updates on shows, what I’m eating, and what I’m eating at shows!


Day One – Once there was a turtle who figured out he could get Netflix inside his shell. His head was never seen again.

Day Two – One day Cheryl woke up and her life was now a video game. She never found the cheat code to get out of bed, though.

Day Three – The year is 3014. Nuclear waste is everywhere. Every November, sentient mustaches grow awkward little men for charity.

Day Four – “If you don’t vote you can’t complain,” Ted said. “Let’s make a law to change that,” said Steve. Ted sighed. Fucking Steve.

Day Five – A woman traveled in time to 2017. She watched a movie trailer. It was the whole damn movie minus the post-credits scene.

Day Six – The new version of autocorrect changes every tweet to “This is a cry for help.” Humanity finally finds peace.

Day Seven – Once I was offered to take a cheese plate home from a party. I declined. I will regret this on my death bed.

Day Eight – You think you hear a sigh. You turn around. No one is there. You just met the world’s loneliest ninja.

Day Nine – A team of infinite monkeys are given typewriters. They immediately write a version of Game of Thrones where no one dies.

Day Ten – One day Carl didn’t see any pictures of cats on facebook. The seventh sign had come.

Day Eleven – Ed thought he discovered a time travel machine. Then he realized he just had no sense of time while taking a shower.

Day Twelve – After much research, David confirmed bears don’t actually use toilet paper. Once again, David’s television had lied to him.

Day Thirteen – Larry decided to read every article on facebook about simple steps to happiness. He is still there, reading and nodding.

Day Fourteen – A fan cuts a new extended version of The Hobbit films. It literally never ends. Bilbo dicks around until the sun explodes.

Day Fifteen – Phyllis invited her friends to her ambivalence themed birthday party on facebook. They all said responded Maybe. The end?

Day Sixteen – Once there was a non-terrifying clown. He didn’t wear make-up, tell jokes, or murder. His name was Steve. He had a Prius.

Day Seventeen – Here’s my one sentence James Bond slash fic: “No one can save you, Mr. Bond. Not even Bono from the legendary rock band U2.”

Day Eighteen – “No belts! No shoes! Laptops out! Keep moving! This is an Orwellian nightmare! Help me,” cried Mr. Honest TSA Agent.

Day Nineteen – Two men argued about the BEST James Bond movie. Because they didn’t know the word subjective, they argued until they died.

Day Twenty – Ed always danced like no one was watching. But the aliens were. They were not impressed. Way to represent Earth, Ed.

Day Twenty-One – One day, Carl tried to make a complete list of everything he hated, but the first thing was lists.

Day Twenty-Two – Lloyd discovered he had the ability to talk with cats. The cats mostly just judged his wardrobe and life choices.

Day Twenty-Three – Edna was going to make and sell t-shirts that said “Let’s do the bare minimum” but tweeting the idea seemed good enough.

Day Twenty-Four – Steve kept accidentally leaving words out of tweets. The words would randomly show up in other donkey mom burrito tweets.

Day Twenty-Five – Jerry tried to sell his soul to Satan. Sadly, Satan was only interested in buying souls in Near Mint condition.

Day Twenty-Six – Tired of family debates, Chad got a tattoo on his arm of an emoticon shrugging. He flashed it constantly and died happy.

Day Twenty-Seven – Once there was a magical land called Your In-Laws’ Bathroom. Many people hid there and, lo, there was much tweeting.

Day Twenty-Eight – Ted decided to skip Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. His new seasonal greeting Let’s Just Get This Over With was a hit.

Day Twenty-Nine – Sheila developed the power to read minds. It was like twitter without a mute button. Sheila was pretty bummed.

Day Thirty – Joseph thought about how great stories often have sudden and ambiguous endings as he ate a taco and THE END.

Yours in Narrative Fun,


If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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