A Man and His Horoscope Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, and now Horoscopes! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy October’s spooky series of Daily Horror Tweets.

Day One – You will read this tweet.

Day Two – A cat will look at you in a pompous and judging manner immediately before licking its own crotch.

Day Three – You will push on a door that is clearly marked pull.

Day Four – You are thinking about Benedict Cumberbatch right now.

Day Five – You will resent your pants.

Day Six – You will blame passing gas on a dog. Then you will realize there isn’t a dog in the room. Civilization will unravel.

Day Seven – You will be slightly amused and/or disturbed by the word “dongle.”

Day Eight – YOU WILL FEEL LIKE THIS HOROSCOPE IS YELLING AT YOU.

Day Nine – You are, were, will, and will have been annoyed with changes to your favorite social media site.

Day Ten – You might remember you have an account on Google+.

Day Eleven – You will feel validated by a horoscope. Yes, you. The one with the pretty eyes.

Day Twelve – You’ll pretend to be an action hero by microwaving a Hot Pocket and slowly walking away while it explodes behind you.

Day Thirteen – You will have an opinion about Star Wars.

Day Fourteen – You will fight in the great twitter wars of 2017. You will support the one true twitter king, Benedict Catbacon.

Day Fifteen – You will tweet about your desire to eat a burrito.

Day Sixteen – You will roll your eyes while reading a post on Facebook.

Day Seventeen – You will ask something for a friend.

Day Eighteen – You will click agree without even considering the possibility of reading iTunes terms and conditions.

Day Nineteen – You will close a door. Another door will not automatically open up unless you’re living in a wacky French farce.

Day Twenty – You will use an emoticon to express a complex human emotion and it will make you feel all :/

Day Twenty-One – You’ll will have a hard times resisting you’re urge to correct the grammaratical error in this’s tweet.

Day Twenty-Two – You may or may not be indecisive.

Day Twenty-Three – You will feel guilty if you do not call your mother. You will also feel guilty if you call your mother.

Day Twenty-Four – You will walk into a room and forget what you went into that room to do. You’ll feel extra stupid if it’s the bathroom.

Day Twenty-Five – You will both rule and drool. They are not mutually exclusive.

Day Twenty-Six – You will fail at something even though it’s not an option. Impressive! Go you!

Day Twenty-Seven – You will accidentally send an “I love you” text meant for your wife to the guy who cleans your gutters. Oh, just me.

Day Twenty-Eight – You or someone you know will be gluten-free.

Day Twenty-Nine – You will read something that is not true on the Internet.

Day Thirty – You will decide you don’t really believe in horoscopes.

Your friend in Horoscopology,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can sign up for my fan list here and make more comedy possible by buying a book, a comedy album, or a script here.

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7 Responses to A Man and His Horoscope Tweets

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