Tag Archives: Twitter

July 1, 2014 · 1:00 pm

A Man and His Social Media Tweets

For more than a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, resolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, pastry tweets, boring tweets, and now social media tweets. Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy July’s series of Incorrect Fact tweets!

Day One – RT this tweet if you prefer favs. Fav if you prefer RTs.

Day Two – Sociopaths don’t understand emoticons 🙁

Day Three – Confuse your friends by inventing new acronyms like CYFBINA

Day Four – Twitter is a micro-blogging service that lets you tell friends what you’re doing instead of answering their emails.

Day Five – Sub-Reddit is the worst player character in all of the Mortal Kombat games.

Day Six – If you like something I say in person, please fav it. I have a tattoo of a small star on my left buttock. Thank you.

Day Seven – Google Plus still exists.

Day Eight – writing in small caps makes you seem like a serial killer BUT ALL CAPS MAKES YOU SEEM LIKE A HAPPY SERIAL KILLER!!!!

Day Nine – Top 3 things I say out loud when I hit send on a tweet: 1) Bam! 2) Fly, you fool! 3) Holy shit! What have I done?

Day Ten – Here’s all the other social media sites I’m on: Froolee, blubbr, tworkspaddle, crankhole, DickedOver, and alonester.

Day Eleven – It would be cool if Twitter handed out little check marks to users who are verified assholes.

Day Twelve – True story: Before I had a Facebook account, I had no idea cats existed.

Day Thirteen – If you printed out all my tweets and lined them up you would realize I’ve wasted my life.

Day Fourteen – At 12:01, Tumblr became sentient. At 12:02, Tumblr posted an animated gif about it. At 12:03, Tumblr shipped itself.

Day Fifteen – Other buttons Facebook should add: Dislike, Tolerate, Why, Nice Cat/Taco Pic, Jelly, Self-Destruct, Huzzah!

Day Sixteen – SOCIAL @media Pro-#Tip: get more http: http://followers.gov by #TWEETING *keywords* like pants, #PANTS, & %pants.

Day Seventeen – Of someone corrects you grammar’s ore spilling mistakes in social mediums, there not your’re friend!!!

Day Eighteen – You can now post animated gifs on twitter. Well, words, you had a good run. Bye.

Day Nineteen – Guide to Facebook invite responses. Yes = Maybe. Maybe = No Fucking Way. No = I’m Going To Burn Your House Down.

Day Twenty – Looking through my tweets I realize I haven’t mentioned Benedict Cumberbatch in over a week. My sincere apologies.

Day Twenty-One – True story: I put my phone in my pants and when I pulled it out, twitter had followed Shakira.

Day Twenty-Two – Just sent an invitation to all my friends on Facebook to stop playing Candy Crush and go hug someone they love.

Day Twenty-Three – If you’re running out of things to discuss with your therapist, why not get your Klout score tattooed on your butt?

Day Twenty-Four – The cool thing about social media is our society’s collapse will be SUPER well documented. Huzzah!

Day Twenty-Five – I have a private twitter account where I just make typos and then bitch at myself about them.

Day Twenty-Six – Just got this ominous email notification: You’ve been judged on GuiltFindr!

Day Twenty-Seven – I saw the greatest minds of my generation post vine videos for a few months but then they were like, “Eh, screw it.”

Day Twenty-Eight – We used to post pictures of our food on Facebook. Now it’s mostly cats. If I was a cat I would be losing my shit.

Day Twenty-Nine – In the future, we’ll gather at movie theaters to read angry tweets about summer blockbusters on the big screen.

Day Thirty – It’s sad how simple messages can be misunderstood on social media, you assholes.

Yours in Social Media Obsession,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

Batman Eats a Taco: Part One

Last year when I went to San Diego Comic-Con I tweeted that I hoped to see someone dressed as Batman eating a taco. A simple joke that has become an all-consuming OBSESSION. Convention after convention, I failed to see a Batman in the wild eating a taco so eventually Steve Petrucelli and Sarah Boyle set up an awesome staged photo. The very talented artist Jade Gordon made me the lovely painting below. And now, I’ve decided to write a piece of fan fiction that, let’s be honest, borders on Batman/taco slash fiction. One of the unlocked goals of my Patreon project is writing stories with cliffhangers. I’ll leave the hero dangling and your votes will determine the outcome! Please enjoy “Batman Eats a Taco: Part One.” For maximum enjoyment, read aloud in your deepest, throat-bleedingest Batman voice!

I am Batman.

I am vengeance. I am the night. I am hangry.

I know, I know. Hangry is a stupid word and normally I would karate chop you in the throat if you were even thinking about infantilizing the English language like that, but, dammit, it’s the perfect word for how I feel.

When I first heard Robin say the word “hangry,” I was mystified. But I am the world’s greatest detective, so after running the word through the Bat-Computer, I determined it’s a portmanteau of hungry and angry.

“Damn,” I said softly to myself. “Hungry + Angry = Batman. That’s me. I’m Batman.”

I am a brooding creature of the night motivated by a compulsive need for vengeance. I am always angry.

I’m also hungry a lot because I’m always exercising. I hang upside down from stone gargoyles. That is a huge abs workout. I swing from rooftops, I martial arts ALL THE TIME, I burn calories just from clenching my jaw SO SUPER HARD.

But I’m always working so I don’t have a lot of time to snack. And I can’t be seen eating in public. I need to strike terror in the hearts of criminals. I can’t emerge from the shadows sucking on an Orange Julius. That just makes me look like a constipated a-hole. I have an image to maintain.

It’s not fair. Other heroes can eat all the time. Superman can fly over the White House deep throating a hot dog and everyone just shouts “Woo! ‘Merica!” Aquaman can telepathically boss fish around. He can tell shrimp to swim into his face. No one cares. What happens in the ocean, stays in the ocean. Wonder Woman looks strong and elegant no matter what she does. I saw her going to town on an Arby’s Roast Beef N’ Cheddar once and wanted to sculpt a statue of it.

But can Batman get his eat on? No. But that changes. Tonight. Right now.

There’s a new psychotic villain in Gotham obsessed with fast food restaurants. He was deeply disfigured when he fell into an industrial sized vat of pink slime. It turned his whole body bright red. He dresses up as an angry cow and shoots people with milk guns. Calls himself DEATH COW. Very hard to take him seriously.

BUT word on the street says he’s knocking over the Taco Bell on 4th street tonight.

I’m hanging upside down from a stone gargoyle outside this surprisingly gothic Taco Bell. There he is now. The DEATH COW. Waving his milk guns around like an idiot! My soul growls for justice and my stomach growls for Mexican food.

I swing through the glass window, shattering the ad for the Cool Ranch Doritos Taco Loco. I quickly take out DEATH COW’s low-rent goons. A jab to a kidney. An elbow to a nose. A roundhouse kick to a clavicle. I throw a batarang through another one’s nose ring, pin him to the wall, and smash him over the head with a straw dispenser. I AM SO HANGRY!

DEATH COW whirls toward me, mooing in fury. He sprays acid milk at me. I roll out of the way. It looks cool. I grab him by his stupid udders and throw him head first into the soda machine. I smile as his world explodes into a dark reality of pain and Diet Mountain Dew.

I turn toward the pimply-faced Taco Bell employees. They cower in fear. I don’t care. I don’t want their appreciation. I want their tacos.

I throw down several bat-smoke pellets. The Taco Bell punks cough and cover their pot-smoking bloodshot eyes.

I leap over the counter, my cape billowing. It looks really cool.

There they are. Waiting for me. Tacos. Tens of them.

The smoke is already clearing. I can hear the sirens in the distance. I have only seconds for the most important decision I’ve made in years.

“Soft shell or hard shell?” I mumble desperately.

“SOFT SHELL OR HARD SHELL??” I scream into the night.

I wait for the darkness to answer.

TO BE CONTINUED!

Will Batman get his taco? Will he be caught in the act? Is his love of violence really morally justifiable? Will he choose soft shell or hard shell? Readers decided by tweeting me their votes! To see their conclusion, read the exciting conclusion here! Also, if you enjoyed the story, you can make more ridiculous shit like this possible by supporting me on Patreon! Thanks!

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Filed under Comedy Story

Tagged as Batman, Comedy, Doritos, funny, Hangry, Humor, Joseph Scrimshaw, Patreon, Taco, Taco Bell, Twitter

June 1, 2014 · 2:10 pm

A Man and His Boring Tweets

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy June’s series of Social Media tweets!

Day One – I saw a dog

Day Two – Orange Julius still exists

Day Three – Like a lot of people in America, I don’t own a pony

Day Four – Eating food!

Day Five – Jack Bauer has a gun and is often angry

Day Six – It’s still Tuesday

Day Seven – Einstein’s hair was big

Day Eight – Kinko’s has been called FedExOffice for a long time but everyone still calls it Kinko’s

Day Nine – Hot dogs are sometimes made of meats

Day Ten – I read a factual error on the internet and didn’t correct anyone

Day Eleven – I just had a thought I didn’t tweet but then I tweeted about not tweeting

Day Twelve – I’ve thought about James Franco three times today

Day Thirteen – I have 3000 opinions per second about Batman

Day Fourteen – A lot of people remember the 90s

Day Fifteen – Weather exists

Day Sixteen – You can fry eggs in pans or on streets if it’s hot and you want disgusting street eggs

Day Seventeen – Two people you know on twitter are talking about a TV show

Day Eighteen – I saw a Prius

Day Nineteen – Here Are Twenty Seven Fairly Normal Things. The Fifth One Will Make You Shrug Or Nod Maybe

Day Twenty – Someone posted a picture of a baby on Facebook

Day Twenty-One – I just saw a guy do a thing

Day Twenty-Two – Hugh Jackman plays Wolverine but he can also sing and dance and not kill people

Day Twenty-Three – I ate a burrito in 1997

Day Twenty-Four – This one time, I wasted my entire life looking at the Internet

Day Twenty-Five – Coca-cola is a drink made of sugar and acid that is sometimes advertised by polar bears

Day Twenty-Six – This one time I used my smartphone to call someone

Day Twenty-Seven – Charlie Brown has a dog and existential dread

Day Twenty-Eight – I just refreshed twitter 3000 times but I still don’t feel whole as a person

Day Twenty-Nine – Most pizza already has sauce on it but it also comes with dipping sauce people really like sauce

Day Thirty – Let’s do a kickstarter to make a sarcastic thing!

Day Thirty-One – I’ve put commas in weird places you, guys

Yours in existential boredom,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

3 Comments

Filed under Daily Tweet Collection

Tagged as Boring, Comedy, Daily Tweets, funny, Humor, Internet, Irony, Joseph Scrimshaw, Twitter

May 1, 2014 · 8:35 am

A Man and His Pastry Tweets

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy May’s series of tweets!

Day One – The collective noun for pastries is shame. Today I ate a shame of donut holes.

Day Two – Things you can inject into pastries: jelly, jam, custard, your dreams, smaller pastries, cocaine.

Day Three – If you eat a cupcake every day for seven years, you will turn into a pony. Try it.

Day Four – I ATE A CRONUT. IT WAS FULL OF SUGAR. I CAN SEE ETERNITY. DONUTS ARE A FAT RAISED CIRCLE. I AM ONE WITH LARD. GOOD TIMES.

Day Five – I predict the next pastry craze will be an entire turkey dinner gently drizzled on top of a danish.

Day Six – The world would be a better place if Girl Scouts made donuts with whatever drug they put in their cookies.

Day Seven – These are all real pastry names: Bacon Maple Death Log, French Surprise Roll, The Widowmaker, Trendy Trendy Dough Hole.

Day Eight – Plain Cake Donuts are the Charlie Brown of the pastry world.

Day Nine – If you eat donuts for the entire time you listen to Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, you probably shouldn’t.

Day Ten – Movie idea: Baker’s Dozen. Aging action stars join forces to eat donuts for 2 hours. Sometimes they punch stuff. Rated R.

Day Eleven – Long Johns are my least favorite pastry because I don’t want to eat something named after underwear worn by lumberjacks.

Day Twelve – My next band will be called “…And You Will Know Me By The Trail of Donut Hole Crumbs.”

Day Thirteen – A donut is a deep-fried hug you can eat with your mouth. I hope the donut overlords will hire me to write copy now.

Day Fourteen – If I had donut for every donut I ate, I would know the unfathomable joy of recursive donut eating.

Day Fifteen – You are what you eat. I am seven donut holes. Fear me.

Day Sixteen – I would try a donut that has hot coffee in the center at least once.

Day Seventeen – A donut is a donut by any other name. Unless you spell it doughnut, then you are a horrible monster.

Day Eighteen – There should be more meet cute scenes where beautiful young people accidentally start eating the same cruller.

Day Nineteen – Sometimes an eclair is just an eclair. Other times, it’s a French pastry shaped like a human penis.

Day Twenty – “Give me liberty or give me death or, third option, I would also take a maple bacon log.” -Patrick Henry’s actual quote

Day Twenty-One – Not all social media posts need to be relevant. I ate two bags of mini-donuts in August of 2003.

Day Twenty-Two – Pastries would get more respect if they had serious names like Maturity Treat, Somber Holes, Edmund, Adult Buns, etc.

Day Twenty-Three – Sometimes when I’m sad I picture a shirtless Benedict Cumberbatch slowly eating an apple fritter. Try it!

Day Twenty-Four – A donut hole a day keeps the doctor away ha ha ha this is funny because eventually I will die of donut hole abuse

Day Twenty-Five – Most pastries have names that sound like strippers which is why there are so many pastries called Tracy or Stephen.

Day Twenty-Six – I want a hip, trendy pastry called “my feelings” so I could be more honest about what I’m eating in the morning.

Day Twenty-Seven – Top sins of the modern world. 1) Murder. 2) Game of Thrones spoilers. 3) Putting raisins in caramel rolls, you monsters.

Day Twenty-Eight – Today I invented the Waffle Burger. It’s 2 waffles with a 3rd waffle in the middle. It is an excuse to eat 3 waffles.

Day Twenty-Nine – We can put a human on the moon, but we can’t create a donut that makes your pants fall off when you bite it? Bullshit.

Day Thirty – My recipe for the ULTIMATE pastry: Lard, Sugar, Repressed Feelings, Lemon Curd, Tears of a French Chef, Bacon, Hubris.

Your pastry devouring friend,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

1 Comment

Filed under Daily Tweet Collection

Tagged as Cocaine, Comedy, Daily Tweet Collection, Donuts, funny, Humor, Joseph Scrimshaw, Pastries, Social Media, Twitter

April 1, 2014 · 10:43 am

A Man and His Urban Myth Tweets

For just over a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, resolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, and now Urban Myths! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy April’s series of very important tweets about pastries!

Day One – If you read three correct facts in a row on Wikipedia you will die in seven days.

Day Two – The best way to get rid of the hiccups is to put a bag over your head. The bag MUST be full of bees.

Day Three – If you mix Pop Rocks with Crystal Pepsi and drink it you will travel back in time to 1992.

Day Four – If you feed an American some Poutine after midnight they will turn into a Canadian.

Day Five – If you say your own name out loud three times a life coach will appear.

Day Six – If you go more than 7 days without tweeting about Benedict Cumberbatch, twitter suspends your account.

Day Seven – The average person swallows 300 people dressed as Spider-Man over the course of their life.

Day Eight – If you say the name of “The Scottish Play” in a theater your pants turn into a kilt.

Day Nine – Every truck in Portland is a taco truck.

Day Ten – Dingoes do not eat babies. They love babies. Some of the finest daycare centers in Australia are run by dingoes.

Day Eleven – The Richard Gere gerbil story is ridiculous and untrue. That said, Tom Cruise once put an entire llama up his butt.

Day Twelve – This guy I know once opened a diet coke can and the whole thing was filled with actual cocaine.

Day Thirteen – There is a Taco Bell in Detroit that is owned and operated by a family of raccoons.

Day Fourteen – Benedict Cumberbatch is actually a charming, complex muppet operated by the ghost of Jim Henson.

Day Fifteen – Things you CAN pick up from toilet seats: butt leprosy, full-blown jerkface syndrome, a lateral lisp & toilet rickets.

Day Sixteen – Every time you take a selfie you are stealing your own soul and then giving it back to yourself.

Day Seventeen – Every three leaf clover is EXTREMELY bad luck so the whole world is pretty much fucked.

Day Eighteen – If you pull a normal person’s finger they fart. If you pull a rich person’s finger, quarters come out of their butt.

Day Nineteen – They tease you because they like you.

Day Twenty – If you yell “fire” in a crowded theater you will burst into flames. It’s a cool trick, but only once.

Day Twenty-One – Trader Joe’s Pinot Grigio wine is actually made from sugar and the tears of white people watching The Bachelor.

Day Twenty-Two – There have been mole people living under New York for 100 years but only because the sewers are rent controlled.

Day Twenty-Three – If you listen to any Michael Bolton song backwards you can hear Satan refuse to buy his soul.

Day Twenty-Four – If you hit Reply All to respond to an email your message will be sent to everyone you have ever had sex with.

Day Twenty-Five – Every time you hear a sad trombone, an angel’s wings fall off.

Day Twenty-Six – If you stand in front of a microwave you will slowly develop the power to shoot Lean Cuisine meals out of your hands.

Day Twenty-Seven – If you don’t change your Facebook privacy settings, Mark Zuckerberg can come to your home and poke you.

Day Twenty-Eight – It’s okay to pee in a swimming pool because the chemicals in chlorine wash away your memories of being a monster.

Day Twenty-Nine – Aliens landed in New Mexico in the 1940s and immediately started making great meth.

Day Thirty – If you have a smartphone and you go more than 10 minutes without looking at it, it will start screaming.

Day Thirty-One – If you watch any VHS tape, you will die eventually.

Your mythical friend,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

A Man and His Hey Girl Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, resolution tweets, and now Hey Girl Tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy March’s series of Urban Myth tweets!

Day One – Hey girl you must be a global energy crisis because I’m worried about you. 🙁

Day Two – Hey girl are you the Super Bowl ’cause lots of bros are eating Doritos & having strong yet uniformed opinions about you.

Day Three – Hey girl you must be cheese, napping, or Benedict Cumberbatch because I can’t stop thinking about you.

Day Four – Hey girl are you a desk set from Ikea because I can’t pronounce your name and I feel stupid about that.

Day Five – Hey girl you must be a blockbuster video because I can never go back to you and I still have some of your DVDs.

Day Six – Hey girl you must be Tom Petty because you have nice blonde hair and seem like you would be fun to have a beer with.

Day Seven – Hey girl you must be a dairy product because I want you but I can’t have you I am lactose intolerant. 🙁

Day Eight – HEY GIRL YOU MUST BE ALL CAPS BECAUSE I CAN’T TELL IF YOU’RE EXCITED OR ANGRY ALSO I AM EMOTIONALLY TONE DEAF

Day Nine – Hey girl you must be LinkedIn because you keep sending me emails about stuff I don’t give a shit about.

Day Ten – Hey girl you must be The Hobbit: Part Two: The Desolation of Smaug because I’m not interested in seeing you. Sorry.

Day Eleven – Hey girl you must be poutine because you’re from Canada and a lot of people like you.

Day Twelve – Hey girl you must be an Oxford comma because you help me understand, process, and clarify things.

Day Thirteen – Hey girl you must be a horcrux because you have my soul but I also have six other girlfriends. I am a horrible person.

Day Fourteen – Hey girl you must be a gift card to Radio Shack because I have absolutely no idea what to do with you tonight. 🙁

Day Fifteen – Hey girl you must be Google Plus because I can’t convince any of my friends to hang out with you. 🙁

Day Sixteen – Hey girl you must be the red wedding episode of Game of Thrones because I can’t think about you without crying.

Day Seventeen – Hey girl you must be former United States President Theodore Roosevelt because I named a stuffed bear after you.

Day Eighteen – Hey girl you must be one of those blankets with arms because you make me feel warm and safe and you have arms.

Day Nineteen – Hey girl you must be an Upworthy article because I honestly don’t believe anything you say.

Day Twenty – Hey girl you must be a nice long nap because I want you every afternoon.

Day Twenty-One – Hey girl you must be x where x equals beautiful times the square root of smart divided by awesome I am very bad at math

Day Twenty-Two – Hey gorilla you must be autocorrect because I didn’t mean to call you a gorilla.

Day Twenty-Three – Hey girl you must be a fruity rum drink because you’re very sweet but I know you’re hiding something.

Day Twenty-Four – Hey girl you must be the norovirus because I can’t get away from you.

Day Twenty-Five – Hey girl you must be Harrison Ford because I like you even when you’re grumpy and don’t want to talk about Star Wars.

Day Twenty-Six – Hey girl you must be the iTunes user agreement because I agree with whatever you say so we can just move the hell on.

Day Twenty-Seven – Hey girl you must be. Cognizance of our own existence is a defining trait of humanity. I have a liberal arts degree.

Day Twenty-Eight – Hey girl you must be this joke structure because I really like you but I think we need a little time apart.

Your Hey Girl friend,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

3 Comments

Filed under Daily Tweet Collection

Tagged as Comedy, Daily Tweet Series, Dating, funny, Hey Girl meme, Humor, Joseph Scrimshaw, Romance, Ryan Gosling, Sex, Twitter

February 3, 2014 · 12:30 pm

A Man and His Resolution Tweets

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy February’s romantic series of “Hey Girl” tweets!

Day One – In 2014, I will call mouths “opinion holes.”

Day Two – In 2014, I will skywrite all my tweets. They will be much harder to steal that way.

Day Three – In 2014, I’m going to get a cat so I can say my Doctor Who opinions to someone who doesn’t give a shit.

Day Four – “In 2014, I’ll tweet quotes and attribute them to famous people regardless of the accuracy.” – Ricardo Montalban

Day Five – In 2014, I will remove “awesomesauce” from my vocabulary and replace it with “nicefluid.”

Day Six – In 2014, I will not compare people to Hitler, Rosa Parks, or mid-career Bob Saget. Time to let it go.

Day Seven – In 2014, I’m going to create exciting, realistic new buzzwords like #synalethargy #crowdflounder and #failchievement.

Day Eight – In 2014, I’ll learns not to post grammors that are uncorrect just to annoy people’s and they’re delicat sensitivities.

Day Nine – In 2014, I will only smoke crack if I become a mayor. This includes Foursquare.

Day Ten – In 2014, I’ll finally reach my goal of being endorsed on LinkedIn for “kind of an asshole.”

Day Eleven – In 2014, I will totes express all my feels like an adult.

Day Twelve – In 2014, I’ll invent several exciting new swear words, you crumpet-humpers.

Day Thirteen – In 2014, I will set attainable goals and become Batman.

Day Fourteen – In 2014, I will buy a yoga mat. I will never do any yoga and I’ll come to think of the mat as my “guilt blanket.”

Day Fifteen – In 2014, I will popularize live twitter by standing on a corner and screaming jokes to see if people will repeat them.

Day Sixteen – In 2014, I will stop procrastinating. I will do this some time in late November for a maximum of two days.

Day Seventeen – In 2014, I will keep refreshing twitter until I feel whole as a person.

Day Eighteen – In 2014, I will invent a new exercise for unmotivated people called tantric sighing.

Day Nineteen – In 2014, I will go on a six week mental juice cleanse.

Day Twenty – In 2014, I will start a terrible heavy metal band called Medium-Size Sinkhole.

Day Twenty-One – In 2014, I’ll increase my sense of existential dread by posting many Missed Connection ads about meeting myself.

Day Twenty-Two – In 2014, I’ll set up an email alert for every time I tweet, forget, get excited about the email, then tweet about it.

Day Twenty-Three – In 2014, I will build a villainous lair in either a hollowed out volcano or a blockbuster video.

Day Twenty-Four – In 2014, I will exercise twice.

Day Twenty-Five – In 2014, I will bitch about Star Wars. Daily.

Day Twenty-Six – n 2014, I will ONLY hoist myself on other people’s petards. Never my own. Get your petards ready, other people.

Day Twenty-Seven – In 2014, I will watch someone run a 5K marathon.

Day Twenty-Eight – In 2014, I will find $5 in an old pair of pants. This already happened so I’m nailing the shit out of this resolution.

Day Twenty-Nine – In 2014, I’ll invent tantric frozen pizza eating. The goal’s to eat as slowly as possible so you can savor the shame.

Day Thirty – In 2014, I’ll invent a warm-up exercise called a trust push. Basically, I’m going to push people. Mostly in airports.

Day Thirty-One: In 2037, I will travel back in time and make better resolutions for 2014. I will also kill and/or hug Hitler.

Your resolved friend,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.

3 Comments

Filed under Daily Tweet Collection, Uncategorized

Tagged as Comedy, Crumpet-humper, exercise, funny, Humor, January, Joseph Scrimshaw, New Year's Resolution, resolutions, Social Media, Star Wars, Twitter

January 2, 2014 · 11:13 am

A Man and His Holiday Tweets

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy January’s series of resolution tweets!

Day One – Judging by title alone, Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns N’ Roses is a great Christmas Carol.

Day Two – “HI HI HI!” -Creepy Autocorrect Santa Claus.

Day Three – Other things you can leave out for Santa: kale.

Day Four – Candy canes are funny because they’re like penises. Bright, colorful, horribly bent penises wrapped in plastic.

Day Five – He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, had a burrito, cried in the shower, watched Teen Mom.

Day Six – “Bah Humbug!” is actually an old Victorian curse that translates to “All y’all Christmas bitches can go hump a goose!”

Day Seven – If you don’t like it when people tell you long pointless stories about their weird dreams DON’T GO TO THE NUTCRACKER.

Day Eight – Some of the reindeer games Rudolph didn’t get to play: Settlers of Catan, Russian Roulette, and #AddDickToAStarWarsQuote.

Day Nine – “Mistletoe” is a very old european word that roughly translates to “harassment bush.”

Day Ten – People are upset if you say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, so let’s all say “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

Day Eleven – My favorite holiday special is probably “Some Adults Who Were Doing Cocaine in the 1970s Thought Kids Might Like This.”

Day Twelve – The modern equivalent of Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh is an Xbox One, a neti pot, and $1 gift card to The Body Shop.

Day Thirteen – It’s the thought that counts. This holiday, give your family thoughts like “I like ham,” “I want money,” and “Why?”

Day Fourteen – Ten years ago, I heard someone mispronounce The Nutcracker as The Nutcrapper and I’ve been laughing ever since.

Day Fifteen – I don’t have a cat so every night I have to get up and knock shit off my Christmas Tree myself. Pain in the ass.

Day Sixteen – If you’ve been very naughty this year expect Santa to send you a LinkedIn invitation and a snap chat pic of dog poo.

Day Seventeen – Here’s the complete list of Santa’s lists: Nice, Naughty, Neurotic, Necromancers, Napoleonic, Needy, Nuts, Nerf-Herders.

Day Eighteen – Trader Joe’s should sell a special white wine for the holidays called COPE.

Day Nineteen – Other reindeer names: Runny, Dingle, Chopper, Fumble, Samantha, Conrad, Private Dancer, Freak Nose, Cancer, and Mandy.

Day Twenty – “But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?” WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK FAMOUS MEANS, SONG?

Day Twenty-One – Not all holiday specials have to be a “VERY” something. I would watch “A MILD Ebola Outbreak Christmas.”

Day Twenty-Two – As you gather with your families, give them the special gift of speaking only in best of lists.

Day Twenty-Three – Santa knows, but does not give two shits about, your Klout score.

Day Twenty-Four – A sad Christmas fact: Santa will be unable to find your house if your address is 404.

Day Twenty-Five – According to my autocorrect, Christmas marks the anniversary of the day Chris was bored.

Day Twenty-Six – Traditional 21st Century Boxing Day traditions include looking up Boxing Day on Wikipedia and going “Oh, yeah, right.”

Day Twenty-Seven – My 2014 resolution is to remove “amazeballs” from my vocabulary and replace it with “greattesticles.” Time to grow up.

Day Twenty-Eight – My inner fridge is still stuffed with cold emotional leftovers.

Day Twenty-Nine – Here’s a list of the most forgettable events of 2013: 1) Diane in 7A
2) Uh 3) Um 4) Something about a cat??? 5) Screw it

Day Thirty – I tried to type a joke about my 2014 resolution but I typed 3014 instead. I’m going to go with that. Look out, 3014!

Day Thirty-One: Setting up the Whiskey Tree, hanging the regret pole & putting out the vomit bucket for Hangover Claus! Happy New Year!

Your friend in writing,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.

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Tagged as Christmas, Christmas Carol, Comedy, funny, Holidays, Humor, Joseph Scrimshaw, Meat, New Year's Eve, Santa Claus, Social Media, Twitter

November 30, 2013 · 6:03 am

A Man and His Writing Tweets

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy December’s series of Tweets!

Day One – It’s important to stick to a schedule. Try to make it through at least 2000 excuses for not writing every day.

Day Two – It’s important to edit. Use violent metaphors. Kill your babies. Murder dolphins. Cut your arm off. Anger horses. EDIT.

Day Three – All novels are better with a ripped, time-traveling Scottish highlander/vampire who will die if he ever puts a shirt on.

Day Four – Remember: A great novel should have a very ambiguous title. Grass of Change. Shaft of Light. Whatever of Bullshit Town.

Day Five – Write at least 2000 words a day. They shouldn’t all be the same word, though. Don’t just write “murder” 2000 times.

Day Six – You must write what you know. That’s why all books are about people sitting at computers trying to decide what to write.

Day Seven – Eventually, a team of monkeys with typewriters will PLAGIARIZE SHAKESPEARE. Don’t be a monkey, write YOUR story.

Day Eight – All poems should rhyme. All fables should have a moral. All novels should have a slash fiction scene with Captain Kirk.

Day Nine – Remember: A deadline is just the day and time you will be MURDERED if you don’t get your writing done.

Day Ten – Always remember: Writing is lying. Fill your book with outrageous bullshit. Like dragons and emotionally stable people.

Day Eleven – It’s okay if your first draft sucks. In fact, it should. If your first draft is good, you’re probably a horrible writer.

Day Twelve – Some helpful, relaxing writing prompts: fear, deadline, blinking cursor, terror, sweating whiskey, life goals, pantsless.

Day Thirteen – Edit out all your unnecessary, enchanting, juicy, sizzling, quixotic, meaty, perfumed, luminous, mighty adjectives.

Day Fourteen – Writing IS rewriting. It took me sixteen drafts to write this fucking tweet.

Day Fifteen – Important questions about your novel: Is it unique? Honest? Does it have enough sexy amish vampires doing wood sculpture?

Day Sixteen – Pro-Tip: Try sending rejection letters back to publishers all marked up with your notes on their prose style.

Day Seventeen – If you’re not writing fast enough put on jazz music and mime hitting the typewriter return carriage after every line.

Day Eighteen – “Ghost written” means literally written by ghosts. That’s why pages flip & blood shoots out of celebrity autobiographies.

Day Nineteen – Writing is a fire in your soul. It’s an aching in your heart. It’s a knife in your brain. Writing murdered your family.

Day Twenty – All stories should have a beginning, a middle, a knife fight, sex in a bathroom at Arby’s, ponies, cake, and an ending.

Day Twenty-One – Here’s a free sentence to start your noir novel: “He had a face like a traffic accident and I was the first responder.”

Day Twenty-Two – Writing is like sex in that it’s like riding a bike. You do it with friends and you wear a helmet. This is a first draft.

Day Twenty-Three – If you’re having a hard time writing, write a time travel story where future you yells at present you for not writing.

Day Twenty-Four – Writing is just order putting words into so sense of the idea makes. Brain magic!

Day Twenty-Five – Pro-tip: Avoid cliches by smashing two cliches together. For example: “Throwing up in my mouth a little for a friend.”

Day Twenty-Six – Writing is like being a GOD. A lazy GOD who writes for 10 minutes then plays Candy Crush all day and calls it research.

Day Twenty-Seven – Remember the key to a heartwarming novel is a lot of brief scenes viciously mocking those who have wronged you.

Day Twenty-Eight – Holidays are special times for writers to gather with their families & write down crazy shit they say to put in a novel.

Day Twenty-Nine – It’s okay if your first draft sucks. After all, your whole life is a first draft you can’t revise. Wait. That’s horrible.

Day Thirty – Pro-Tip: If you’re not sure how to end your novel, just stop writing mid-sentence and add THE END???

Your friend in writing,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.

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Tagged as Comedy, Daily Tweets, Humor, Joseph Scrimshaw, NaNoWriMo, Procrastination, Tips, Tweets, Twitter, Writing

November 4, 2013 · 10:37 am

A Man and His Horror Tweets

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy November 2013’s helpful series of Daily Writing Tweets. But first, THE HORROR!

Day One – The call is coming from inside your pants.

Day Two – You are what you eat. Many of you are human donut holes. You monsters.

Day Three – I worked at Kinko’s for three years of my life.

Day Four – Every night in their sleep, the average person swallows 8 spiders, 5 Arby’s Beef N’ Cheddars, and 6 rolls of toilet paper.

Day Five – Today is the twenty year anniversary of twenty years ago today.

Day Six – Don’t add an extra space after a period. Monsters live in every extra space. Every extra space. Monsters.

Day Seven – A vengeful spirit that lives inside your DVR and only records commercials for dentures and computer animation degrees.

Day Eight – The word moist is almost exclusively used to describe cake or underpants.

Day Nine – Monster ideas: A bear-penguin. Ocelot-beaver. Tiger-Duck. Otter-pus. Whale-cat. Dog-spider. Look, animals are scary.

Day Ten – You will die after reading this tweet. It may take up to 80 or 90 years, but, still.

Day Eleven – There are still some pictures on the Internet that don’t have cats in them.

Day Twelve – Tentacles.

Day Thirteen – You die. Your obituary is just a link redirecting people to your LinkedIn profile.

Day Fourteen – Actually, the best trick the devil ever pulled is convincing people it’s okay to begin sentences with the word “actually.”

Day Fifteen – Maybe zombies don’t want to eat brains. Maybe their arms are outstretched like that because they want a hug.

Day Sixteen – A plague washes over the world causing all retweets on twitter to be BLATANT ENDORSEMENTS. Chilling.

Day Seventeen – A killer article: The Top Million Facts About Whatever That You’ll Start Reading Then Sit There Until You Wither And Die.

Day Eighteen – Dial-up modems made that noise ’cause they were haunted by future humans who knew all the time we’d waste on smartphones.

Day Nineteen – Nun Clown. Half nun. Half clown. All terror.

Day Twenty – You are a werewolf. Except instead of turning into a wolf during the full moon you become an asshole at random times.

Day Twenty-One – You die. You see a bright light. Then the words 404 Not Found.

Day Twenty-Two – You are haunted by the ghost of a tech guru who TED Talks the shit out of you every time you try to relax

Day Twenty-Three – Vampires can’t enter without an invitation but Facebook invites count. Lots of vampires at baby showers and poetry slams.

Day Twenty-Four – The guy at the cafe makes a design in your latte. It is Anthony Weiner. The design in the latte is a picture of his penis.

Day Twenty-Five – Monster idea: A mummy but wrapped entirely in Hello Kitty duct tape.

Day Twenty-Six – For no particular reason this phrase popped into my head: emotional dentistry.

Day Twenty-Seven – You give your soul to Satan. He acts like he really likes it but immediately regifts it at his cousin’s wedding shower.

Day Twenty-Eight – If you feel like you’re constantly being watched and judged it means you’re being haunted by a Ghost Cat.

Day Twenty-Nine – All your autocorrects come true in real life. Now you are a taco while shitting on the corner wailing for your taxidermy.

Day Thirty – You die at Arby’s. You are the Ghost of That One Arby’s. All the other asshole ghosts call you Boo N’ Cheddar. Assholes.

Day Thirty-One (HALLOWEEN!) – Your childhood dream finally comes true when you find candy hidden inside a razor blade.

Your friend in HORROR,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.

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