Tag Archives: Holidays

A Man and His Holiday Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, and now holiday tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy January’s series of resolution tweets!

Day One – Judging by title alone, Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns N’ Roses is a great Christmas Carol.

Day Two – “HI HI HI!” -Creepy Autocorrect Santa Claus.

Day Three – Other things you can leave out for Santa: kale.

Day Four – Candy canes are funny because they’re like penises. Bright, colorful, horribly bent penises wrapped in plastic.

Day Five – He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, had a burrito, cried in the shower, watched Teen Mom.

Day Six – “Bah Humbug!” is actually an old Victorian curse that translates to “All y’all Christmas bitches can go hump a goose!”

Day Seven – If you don’t like it when people tell you long pointless stories about their weird dreams DON’T GO TO THE NUTCRACKER.

Day Eight – Some of the reindeer games Rudolph didn’t get to play: Settlers of Catan, Russian Roulette, and #AddDickToAStarWarsQuote.

Day Nine – “Mistletoe” is a very old european word that roughly translates to “harassment bush.”

Day Ten – People are upset if you say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, so let’s all say “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

Day Eleven – My favorite holiday special is probably “Some Adults Who Were Doing Cocaine in the 1970s Thought Kids Might Like This.”

Day Twelve – The modern equivalent of Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh is an Xbox One, a neti pot, and $1 gift card to The Body Shop.

Day Thirteen – It’s the thought that counts. This holiday, give your family thoughts like “I like ham,” “I want money,” and “Why?”

Day Fourteen – Ten years ago, I heard someone mispronounce The Nutcracker as The Nutcrapper and I’ve been laughing ever since.

Day Fifteen – I don’t have a cat so every night I have to get up and knock shit off my Christmas Tree myself. Pain in the ass.

Day Sixteen – If you’ve been very naughty this year expect Santa to send you a LinkedIn invitation and a snap chat pic of dog poo.

Day Seventeen – Here’s the complete list of Santa’s lists: Nice, Naughty, Neurotic, Necromancers, Napoleonic, Needy, Nuts, Nerf-Herders.

Day Eighteen – Trader Joe’s should sell a special white wine for the holidays called COPE.

Day Nineteen – Other reindeer names: Runny, Dingle, Chopper, Fumble, Samantha, Conrad, Private Dancer, Freak Nose, Cancer, and Mandy.

Day Twenty – “But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?” WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK FAMOUS MEANS, SONG?

Day Twenty-One – Not all holiday specials have to be a “VERY” something. I would watch “A MILD Ebola Outbreak Christmas.”

Day Twenty-Two – As you gather with your families, give them the special gift of speaking only in best of lists.

Day Twenty-Three – Santa knows, but does not give two shits about, your Klout score.

Day Twenty-Four – A sad Christmas fact: Santa will be unable to find your house if your address is 404.

Day Twenty-Five – According to my autocorrect, Christmas marks the anniversary of the day Chris was bored.

Day Twenty-Six – Traditional 21st Century Boxing Day traditions include looking up Boxing Day on Wikipedia and going “Oh, yeah, right.”

Day Twenty-Seven – My 2014 resolution is to remove “amazeballs” from my vocabulary and replace it with “greattesticles.” Time to grow up.

Day Twenty-Eight – My inner fridge is still stuffed with cold emotional leftovers.

Day Twenty-Nine – Here’s a list of the most forgettable events of 2013: 1) Diane in 7A
2) Uh 3) Um 4) Something about a cat??? 5) Screw it

Day Thirty – I tried to type a joke about my 2014 resolution but I typed 3014 instead. I’m going to go with that. Look out, 3014!

Day Thirty-One: Setting up the Whiskey Tree, hanging the regret pole & putting out the vomit bucket for Hangover Claus! Happy New Year!

Your friend in writing,


If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.


Filed under Daily Tweet Collection

Batman on Jingle Bells

Like most normal humans, I spend a lot of my time thinking about Batman. During the holiday season, I find myself wondering how The Dark Knight would feel about the infamous altered lyrics to the holiday tune “Jingle Bells.” So I wrote that. For maximum enjoyment, please read this out loud to yourself in a deep, guttural bat-voice. Enjoy.

Hello. I’m Batman.

I am vengeance. I am the night. I’m upset about the Batman version of “Jingle Bells.” You know, the one where children replace the normal chorus with one about me, Batman. I’m Batman.

Not only are the lyrics insulting, they’re riddled with inaccuracies.

Here are the traditional bat-lyrics:

Jingle Bells, Batman smells
Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile lost a wheel
And the Joker got away

I will note the Hey! is optional. Let’s break this down line by line.

Jingle Bells.

That’s fine.

Batman smells.

You would think I’d have a problem with that line.


Of course, I smell. I spend hours fighting, sweating, and bleeding in tight constrictive body armor. I am rank. I am like a thousand filthy locker rooms filled with a thousand wet dogs.

I am your worst olfactory nightmare. And I like it that way.

My goal is to strike terror in the hearts of criminals. I can’t really do that if I smell nice. I don’t want to pop out of the shadows, grab some punk, and then have them say, “Well, he looks scary but he smells like lavender.”

That’s just stupid.

I don’t want Catwoman to be able to track me through the city because she can pick up a faint odor of cinnamon and nutmeg.

I’m not a fancy coffee drink. I’m Batman. Let’s move on.

Robin laid an egg

This one is just dumb, dumb, super-double-dumb. I didn’t even get it at first. Why would Robin lay an egg? Oh, because Robin is also the name of a bird.

Ha ha ha. Very funny.


I can think of at least three reasons an egg should not be coming out of him.

You think it’s funny to sing Robin laid an egg? Well, you take a second and picture that actually happening. Gross.

Besides, I don’t even work with Robin that much anymore. He’s too loud and bright. It’s like Katy Perry doing a duet with The Cure.

Yes, I know pop culture references. Shut up. Let’s move on.

The Batmobile lost a wheel

Okay, this happens sometimes. It’s a car I use to fight crime. It’s not like I accidentally drove over a broken Nalgene bottle on my way to take the kids to soccer practice in the PT Cruiser.

The Batmobile gets shot all the time. WITH ROCKETS AND EVERYTHING.

I lose wheels. What am I supposed to do? Pull over and call AAA?

That’s STUPID! This one makes me really mad. Let’s move on.

The Joker got away

Again, yes, this happens. I keep letting the Joker get away. I want to end his reign of terror once and for all, I want to take his spindly clown neck in my powerful bat-hands and just…it would be so easy…but then I would be just as bad as him wouldn’t I?

Finally, the optional lyric: Hey!

This one doesn’t bother me too much. But I would prefer that it was a more aggressive crimefighting type noise.

Something like Unnnghha!

That would be better. In fact, here are some better lyrics for the whole damn thing.

Jingle Bells, Batman repels

Like I’m repelling crime in a broad sense. Or it can be “rappels” like I’m climbing down a wall.

Robin is not here

He’s not. I don’t hang out with him any more. When was the last time you saw us together? Get over it.

The Batmobile performed to spec

That’s respectful to the engineers who designed the car. It’s an impressive technical accomplishment.

The Joker is in jail

Because I do actually catch him sometimes. LIKE CONSTANTLY. LIKE EVERY TIME WE FIGHT I CATCH HIM, JERKS.

So, putting it all together, you should sing.

Jingle Bells, Batman Repels
Robin is not here
The Batmobile performed to spec
The Joker is in jail


Or if you must associate Batman with a holiday song, here are some other options.

You could turn “O, Holy Night” into “O, Dark Knight.” There’s a missing syllable so you have to kind of bend the note like O, Da—ark Knight. But like so many things in life, it will work IF YOU FORCE IT.

Or you could sing a song from my perspective. Like you could change “All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” and make that “All I Want For Christmas Is Your Two Front Teeth.” Because that’s what I’m saying to some criminal punk before I punch him in the mouth. And I knock his teeth out. For Christmas.

Or you could take “Let it snow!” and change it to “Let Her Go!”

Like the Joker is dangling someone you love out of a window so you sing a song about it.

Let Her Go! Let Her Go! Let Her Go!

That would have to be in a minor key, though, just thematically.

Anyway, I have a lot of ideas. I could go on like this all night.

But duty calls and I must answer. For I am the caped crusader.

I am vengeance. I am the night. I know I smell and I’m okay with that.

I’m Batman. Unnnghha!

Did you read it in a deep voice? Does your throat hurt? Happy holidays! This story is now available in audio format as part of my comedy album A VERY HOLIDAY THING. The album and the blog post were made possible by funding from Patreon. Thanks, patrons!


Filed under Comedy Story


Halloween is my favorite holiday for one very specific reason:

No one tries to tell you how you should feel on Halloween.

Sure, there are plenty of emotions one could associate with it: horror, gluttony, glee, sexy feelings, and whatever emotions are brought up by the sense memory of trying to see and breathe through a latex mask of Batman’s face.

But that’s it. Every other major U.S. Holiday is an endless barrage of the world telling you what to feel.

Thanksgiving. You’re supposed to be grateful. Even if you hate Turkey and football. You should be grateful it’s only one day a year.

Christmas. You are supposed to feel an endless string of emotions. Joy, peace, good will, guilt, massive (yet hidden) pride in the raw power of consumerism.

New Year’s. Optimism, lies about exercise, hangovers, guilt.

Valentine’s Day. Love, sexy feelings, ironic dislike of the Hallmark card you just purchased, guilt.

St. Patrick’s Day. Alcohol poisoning, guilt.

Easter. Joy, renewal, fertility, confusion about why the hell a giant bunny left perishable food items all over your house, guilt.

Fourth of July. Patriotism, a desire to eat meat outside, fear of blowing your hand off, guilt.

Earth Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Arbor Day, National Pancake Day, National Think About Clowns Day, National Eat Pancakes Shaped Like A Clown’s Head Day: GUILT.

But not Halloween. Halloween is an honest holiday. We all like monsters. We’re all intrigued by dark and scary things. We all like candy. We get to put on masks, go to other people’s homes, and take things from them.

Halloween is basically a huge group of otherwise normal people role-playing an elaborate heist film.

The only difference is that at the end no one has to feel guilty.

We just get to have fun.

Happy Halloween, you monsters.

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Filed under Comedy Real Life