For more than a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, resolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, Urban Myth tweets, and now Pastry tweets! Enjoy!
You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy May’s series of tweets!
Day One – The collective noun for pastries is shame. Today I ate a shame of donut holes.
Day Two – Things you can inject into pastries: jelly, jam, custard, your dreams, smaller pastries, cocaine.
Day Three – If you eat a cupcake every day for seven years, you will turn into a pony. Try it.
Day Four – I ATE A CRONUT. IT WAS FULL OF SUGAR. I CAN SEE ETERNITY. DONUTS ARE A FAT RAISED CIRCLE. I AM ONE WITH LARD. GOOD TIMES.
Day Five – I predict the next pastry craze will be an entire turkey dinner gently drizzled on top of a danish.
Day Six – The world would be a better place if Girl Scouts made donuts with whatever drug they put in their cookies.
Day Seven – These are all real pastry names: Bacon Maple Death Log, French Surprise Roll, The Widowmaker, Trendy Trendy Dough Hole.
Day Eight – Plain Cake Donuts are the Charlie Brown of the pastry world.
Day Nine – If you eat donuts for the entire time you listen to Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd, you probably shouldn’t.
Day Ten – Movie idea: Baker’s Dozen. Aging action stars join forces to eat donuts for 2 hours. Sometimes they punch stuff. Rated R.
Day Eleven – Long Johns are my least favorite pastry because I don’t want to eat something named after underwear worn by lumberjacks.
Day Twelve – My next band will be called “…And You Will Know Me By The Trail of Donut Hole Crumbs.”
Day Thirteen – A donut is a deep-fried hug you can eat with your mouth. I hope the donut overlords will hire me to write copy now.
Day Fourteen – If I had donut for every donut I ate, I would know the unfathomable joy of recursive donut eating.
Day Fifteen – You are what you eat. I am seven donut holes. Fear me.
Day Sixteen – I would try a donut that has hot coffee in the center at least once.
Day Seventeen – A donut is a donut by any other name. Unless you spell it doughnut, then you are a horrible monster.
Day Eighteen – There should be more meet cute scenes where beautiful young people accidentally start eating the same cruller.
Day Nineteen – Sometimes an eclair is just an eclair. Other times, it’s a French pastry shaped like a human penis.
Day Twenty – “Give me liberty or give me death or, third option, I would also take a maple bacon log.” -Patrick Henry’s actual quote
Day Twenty-One – Not all social media posts need to be relevant. I ate two bags of mini-donuts in August of 2003.
Day Twenty-Two – Pastries would get more respect if they had serious names like Maturity Treat, Somber Holes, Edmund, Adult Buns, etc.
Day Twenty-Three – Sometimes when I’m sad I picture a shirtless Benedict Cumberbatch slowly eating an apple fritter. Try it!
Day Twenty-Four – A donut hole a day keeps the doctor away ha ha ha this is funny because eventually I will die of donut hole abuse
Day Twenty-Five – Most pastries have names that sound like strippers which is why there are so many pastries called Tracy or Stephen.
Day Twenty-Six – I want a hip, trendy pastry called “my feelings” so I could be more honest about what I’m eating in the morning.
Day Twenty-Seven – Top sins of the modern world. 1) Murder. 2) Game of Thrones spoilers. 3) Putting raisins in caramel rolls, you monsters.
Day Twenty-Eight – Today I invented the Waffle Burger. It’s 2 waffles with a 3rd waffle in the middle. It is an excuse to eat 3 waffles.
Day Twenty-Nine – We can put a human on the moon, but we can’t create a donut that makes your pants fall off when you bite it? Bullshit.
Day Thirty – My recipe for the ULTIMATE pastry: Lard, Sugar, Repressed Feelings, Lemon Curd, Tears of a French Chef, Bacon, Hubris.
Your pastry devouring friend,
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