I recently returned from spending a week in a giant hotel that floated around the Caribbean. The floating hotel was filled with awesome performers, friends, fans, and employees who wanted to aggressively sell me booze every waking moment.

All of this awesomeness was because of Jonathan Coulton’s JoCoCruiseCrazy.

Everything about the cruise was great. The other performers, the attendees (they self-identify as Sea Monkeys), and all of the events both official and unofficial. Even the things that weren’t necessarily great were amusing. (The staff really did want to sell you more stuff at all times. I’m surprised they don’t have staff members with mini-bars in each individual bathroom stall. It would be efficient.)

I did a brand new show on the mainstage that went really well. It was a light comedy show about all of my flaws as a human being. Stylistically, it’s a Frankenstein’s monster made out of parts of stand-up comedy, storytelling, theater, and drinking beer with friends. I’ve done a lot of different kinds of comedy performance, but this particular beast is the kind of show I want to be doing, so the warm reception was very gratifying. Hopefully, I’ll be doing more performances of the show and eventually recording it.

I also got to record an episode of my podcast Obsessed with my pals Molly Lewis, Mike Phirman, and Wil Wheaton. They were hilarious, insightful, and all-around perfect guests for the podcast, so go check out the beer and pro-tools episode and rate the hell out of the podcast on iTunes.

The kind Sea Monkeys also bought up all the copies of my book and comedy album that I brought on the boat. I performed a live riff with Bill Corbett and Kevin Murphy. I played a starship simulator video game called Artemis live on stage. I danced to the mad DJ skillz of David Rees and John Hodgman. I decided Paul (of Paul and Storm) could use some interpretive dance (aka mime humping) during his rockin’ karaoke version of “Wanted Dead Or Alive.” I accidentally walked past the door to my stateroom while entirely sober and the steward pointed and laughed for a full thirty seconds. My lovely wife, Sara, did an amazing job helping the shows run smoothly backstage. Sara and I also had a nice romantic moment when we were terrified by the infamous hanging monkey towel animal.


I could go on and on about the cruise, but strangely the event that gave me the most perspective happened on the way home. (For more on the cruise itself, I suggest watching Greg Benson’s hilarious videos, reading Jonathan’s wrap up or Sea Monkey Alice’s blog post.)

The Sea Monkeys have a kind habit of applauding the performers when they enter the ship’s dining room. When Sara and I walked down the aisle of our packed plane home, two Sea Monkeys quietly, lightly applauded. We had a brief chat about accepting our transition back into the real world.

“We want to yell the thing, but we can’t,” said the Sea Monkeys. The thing was an ongoing joke to yell “SEX PARTY!” during performances. Definitely not the thing to yell on a crowded plane.

But it was a lovely moment to share. The mood on the cruise is very supportive and intense like we’re all members of a kindness cult.

Strangely, the man I sat next to on the plane turned out to actually be a member of a cult.

He was very friendly and not wearing robes or waving a dagger or anything. Let’s say his name was Ed. He was probably in his 50s, he smiled a lot, and told me he owned a feed mill in Amsterdam. He didn’t make any jokes about milling pot for animals. I didn’t either.

After the normal small talk, he told me that he had been in Orlando for a week to learn about approaching the world with kindness.

“That’s nice,” I thought. “I’ve been on a floating hotel doing a comedy/music convention that spent a lot of time celebrating kindness. Maybe I should have an open mind.”

Then he gave me a card for Avatar, the Compassion Project. I looked up Avatar. It’s been described as Scientology-Lite. It was founded by a guy who got sued by the Church of Scientology for ripping off their materials, so he went rogue. To review, this organization was formed by a man who was too morally bankrupt to be a Scientologist.

Ed told me the program had taught him to mill feed for animals in a manner that exposed rabbits to their inner happiness. I am not making this up. Ed wanted me to read a passage from his new Avatar book. It had blown his mind.

Around the same time, a child in the seat in front of us started yelling about how to spell Mickey Mouse. The child insisted that there is no “e.” That it’s spelled M-I-C-K-Y. (Much like Scottish Whisky has no e, so she must be a fan of single malt Scottish cartoon mice.) The child decided to prove she was right by repeatedly yelling “KY!”

I tried to focus on the passage in an effort to be friendly toward the smiling man who believed a bastardized version of Scientology can make bunnies reach their full potential. I was pretty sure I would think the passage was manipulative bullshit, but I might as well be friendly.

This was the greatly paraphrased gist of the passage:

Any text that spreads the message of kindness (like this one) is holy. Anyone who speaks against a holy message is a monster. Therefore, anyone who disagrees with what this book says about kindness is a horrible, evil person.

I finished reading and said, “Okay.”

Ed smiled and said, “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

The child screamed, “KY!”

“That passage changed my life,” Ed said.

“Huh,” I answered.


I decided the best form of kindness I could show Ed and myself was to not go on a rant about how awful and disturbing I found his life changing passage.

Instead, I turned and chatted with Sara for a few minutes. Ed got lost in his book again. The child still screamed “KY!” long after her parents had agreed, “Yeah, sure, that’s how you spell Mickey. Please stop screaming KY.”

A lot of the performers and the Sea Monkeys had spent a week on JoCoCruiseCrazy pushing themselves to try new things. New songs, new jokes, new games, new drinks, new people, new experiences, new and inappropriate times and places to yell “SEX PARTY!”

There was a significant amount of discussion that people felt safe to try new things during the cruise because there was an almost surreal level of support, encouragement, and kindness.

Real, simple kindness. Like, “Hey, you should try karaoke. All we ask is that you try hard and have fun and we will applaud. We won’t lie to you and tell you you’re great if you’re not, but we sure as hell won’t laugh at you or throw things.”

If there is a passage about karaoke in the Avatar books I’m sure it’s vile and manipulative stuff teaching the important lesson that ONLY AVATAR CAN SHOW YOU THE WAY TO TRUE KARAOKE AND ONLY IF YOU PAY US A LOT OF MONEY AND HARSHLY JUDGE ALL WHO QUESTION THE ONE TRUE KARAOKE.

And I have a horrible feeling that the ONE TRUE AVATAR KARAOKE SONG is probably “Free Bird.”

In short, I’m very happy to have gone to my own week long seminar on kindness. One that happened organically and honestly without an agenda. One that happened simply because people felt safe to say, “Hey, is it cool if I try something new?”

And the only response they got from the rest of the Sea Monkeys was a resounding, “Yes!”

Usually followed by a resounding “SEX PARTY!”

Thanks, friends.


Filed under Comedy Trip

13 Responses to MONKEYS ON A BOAT 2013

  1. Tom

    So say we all!

  2. After seeing you on the cruise, it’s no surprise that you’d be open-minded, fair and receptive to trying new experiences. After all, you did basically get to second base with a grizzly.

    Personally, I’d stick with the Sea Monkey cult above any others. If nothing else, our T-shirts are cooler.

  3. jill

    On my flight home, the person who called ‘Sea Monkey’ as I walked down the plane aisle had an empty seat beside her. We chatted all the way to Phoenix!

  4. Patrick

    Your new set was fantastic. I have listened to it several times since returning from the cruise and it remains one of the highlights of my cruise. I am thrilled to hear that we bought all your merch. And since returning to shore I have immersed myself in the Obsessed podcast. (I still owe you a review and five stars … I need to do that soon). Thanks again for an awesome week.

  5. Captain

    Religions can sue for copyright and trademark infringement? And here I thought they were all cheap knockoffs.

  6. Virginia Corbett

    I went to a lot of camps as a kid. JoCoCruise Crazy III is, so far, the best camp I’ve ever been to. I’m so glad I got to go with you and Sara and Bill and the rest of the Sea Monkeys.

  7. RespectfulofAllEthnicities Jason

    As great as all the performances were (and they were), as great as the beaches were, and for all the scuba diving and jet skiing and strawberry daiquiris, etc, you’ve just hit the nail on the head for why I keep coming back. Sea Monkeys are just good people, and any opportunity to spend time with them should not be squandered.

    When Jonathan Coulton transitions from “cruise” to “commune,” I’ll sign up.

    As long as Hodgman’s not making the koolaid.

  8. Joan wynn

    I really liked your article about the cultist on the plane. We just got back from Florida and I saw a lady on the beach with a Woman blow up doll in tow. What the heck was that all about? I love your humor and hope to see you on stage soon

  9. Dan

    That was a new routine? Surprised me!

    You and Zoe Keating were the two people whom my fiancé and I had never heard before going on the boat; both our reactions after your set was “we should see more of that”. Luckily we live in Minneapolis so we’re definitely going to come to a show at some point.


    I’m still going through and uploading my many videos of the cruise (recently uploaded your show; that’s okay, right? I kind of assume that most of the performances by official performers on JCCC are okay to record), and I have footage of the recording of OBSESSED. I was wondering if it would be okay to upload that, with a link to the podcast. Even better, could I use a little bit of audio from the podcast to fill in the gaps where I had to change the camera battery or whatever?

    By the way, your link to that podcast is missing the colon after the http.

    Also, because everything is necessarily more true and profound when it’s a haiku, I thought I should point out that there’s an unintentional haiku in this post:

    Even the things that
    weren’t necessarily
    great were amusing.

    Found by a program I wrote last weekend and still can’t resist feeding all the text I can find into. I’d pronounce ‘weren’t’ as one syllable, but apparently it’s two in some accents.

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