An Interview with the Easter Bunny: The Lost Obsessed Episode

Are you like me? Have you always wondered if the Easter Bunny is obsessed with the British television series Sherlock?

Well, the answer can finally be revealed! Last December, I did an interview with Santa Claus for my podcast Obsessed and it was great fun so I decided to interview the Easter Bunny.

Not to shatter the fourth wall too violently, but I set up an interview with the Easter Bunny as played by Jill Bernard. She’s an improviser, a co-founder of HUGE Theater in Minneapolis, and one of the funniest humans I’ve ever met.

Unfortunately, we had some technical issues with the podcast recording so it’s mostly loud electronic buzzing, awkward silences, and a bunny talking. In short, it is an audio podcast only David Lynch could truly love.

But all is not lost! I’ve transcribed the interview so the truth about the Easter Bunny and her obsession with Sherlock can be revealed. Enjoy!

JOSEPH:
Hello, Easter Bunny, and welcome to the Obsessed podcast.

EB:
Hi, Joseph! Thanks for having me!

JOSEPH:
Now, Easter Bunny, I wanted to ask you right away, do you like to be called the Easter Bunny or do you have another name, a Christian name?

EB:
Yeah, I like being called the Easter Bunny. Wouldn’t you? Like regular bunnies just get called “Bunny.” But my friends call me EB sometimes.

JOSEPH:
Excellent. And for the people listening to the podcast, can you describe your general appearance, EB?

EB:
Yeah, I’m a small bunny wearing a sharp jacket. And I have a fluffy white tail, fluffy ears, a twitchy nose–but not in a negative way. Also, I travel everywhere with this basket.

JOSEPH:
And can you describe the pants situation?

EB:
Well, there’s an upside to being a bunny. I don’t have to wear pants and it’s not weird. I can just wear a jacket. Who else gets to do that?

JOSEPH:
And can you describe the contents of your basket?

EB:
I just brought some samples for the studio audience. We got some standard eggs, some chocolate replicas of myself, a sticker book collection, and some temporary tattoos.

JOSEPH:
Awesome. So everything that a kid would expect to find in their yard.

EB:
Yeah, I didn’t know if this basket was for a boy or a girl. I could have brought like a Transformer or an Easter themed Barbie.

JOSEPH:
So you still give presents based on gender? Because a lot of parents want things to be gender neutral now.

EB:
Well, I have a gender neutral basket. That basket has, like, elephants.

JOSEPH:
Okay, let’s talk a little bit about the eggs. Because I asked the internet for questions and the big one was “Do the eggs come out of you?”

EB:
Do you really want to know? I mean this is kind of a hot dog factory question.

JOSEPH:
I want to know how the sausage is made, I really do.

EB:
Okay. Yeah. I excrete these eggs.

JOSEPH:
And…and…do you shoot them out over the year and refrigerate? Or is this like a night before thing, you just gotta get in there and groan ’em out?

EB:
You know it’s one of those things that I put a note on my calendar around January that says, “Hey, you should get on the egg excreting.” But then you just put it off, you put it off. I got Call of Duty. And I’m really distracted. So I don’t really get around to it until February.

JOSEPH:
And this brings up another question. You play Call of Duty, a stereotypically male video game, what is your gender?

EB:
Yeah. Well. I’m female. I produce eggs. The stories call me “Mister” sometimes, but I don’t mind. It feels very K.D. Lang to me. I mean, I’m wearing a jacket and no pants. It’s all there if someone wants to look.

JOSEPH:
Okay. I have to ask you about your religious affiliation. Do you consider your work to be religious or secular?

EB:
Um. Well. Here’s the thing. I would be more than happy to bring baskets to all the children of the world, but I’m made of ham.

JOSEPH:
Okay.

EB:
So as much as I would like to reach out to Muslim kids or Jewish kids–I feel the call of their hearts and want to bring them baskets–but I’m made of ham so I can’t go into their lives. It’s heartbreaking. Sometimes I cry.

JOSEPH:
So when you’re delivering baskets do the parents or the kids ever see you?

EB:
No, I want to be invisible like a dim sum bus boy. I want to be unseen. If I could email people their Easter baskets, I would, but you gotta do it in person.

JOSEPH:
Okay. And why do you hide the eggs? That seems like kind of a fuck you to the kids to make them work to find the eggs. Why don’t you just leave them on the doorstep or something?

EB:
I want to teach kids that not everything is instant gratification. If you hand them everything they develop a real lazy ethic. I tried that. I tried it for one year. And all the kids just woke up with eggs in their hands.

JOSEPH:
Was that around 1974? Is that what happened to Generation X?

EB:
Yep! That’s what happened. Also waking up with an egg in your hand is very startling. A lot of the eggs were broken. “Ahh! What’s that?” a lot of people said. I tried it, Joseph, and it wasn’t positive.

JOSEPH:
Well, I’m glad you tried. So, I’d like to get into your specific obsession. We like to have guests on the podcast to talk about what they’re really interested in and you are interested in the British television show Sherlock.

EB:
Oh yeah, I love it. In fact, that’s why I was so late this year on excreting the eggs. ‘Cause I was watching Sherlock again.

JOSEPH:
So that’s not something you can multi-task, the egg excretion?

EB:
Well, not with a show like Sherlock. It takes a lot of focus. If you’re watching something stupid like The Real Housewives of Whatever, you could probably excrete eggs at the same time, but Sherlock, you’re going to miss something, a crucial detail, and you’ll have to go back and watch it again.

JOSEPH:
But you have watched it multiple times, right?

EB:
Oh yeah.

JOSEPH:
So why does it speak to you?

EB:
Oh, man. I like putting together clues. I feel like I’m smart like Sherlock. Like I have to figure stuff out. When I’m in a kid’s house delivering their basket or hiding their eggs, I have to figure out clues. I’m like the reverse Sherlock. Because when I hide eggs it’s like I’m making a mystery. And while I’m hiding eggs I like to think, “Could Sherlock find this egg?” The answer’s yes because I’m hiding them for a small child to find.

JOSEPH:
So, it’s like you’re hiding them for Watson.

EB:
Yeah.

JOSEPH:
So how do you feel this obsession manifests for you? Like certain obsessions you can buy a t-shirt or you can engage in the activity. How do you engage besides just watching?

EB:
Well, I have a tiny violin that I’ve been playing just to be more like Sherlock. And as I go around, I try to solve mysteries the way Sherlock would. So while I’m in people’s homes I try to figure out things about them. Like whose parents are having an affair or was anyone ever murdered here. That kind of thing.

JOSEPH:
So when you figure that out do you do anything with that information? Like if you came into my home and thought I killed someone, would you just be like “Cool, I’m going to go excrete some eggs” or would you do something about that?

EB:
Did you kill someone?

JOSEPH:
No, but you can look at my clothes and try to guess like Sherlock.

EB:
Okay. Well, I see that you’re wearing black pants and a black shirt which means obviously you’re on the tech crew of a high school theater production. You’re wearing red converse shoes which means you were the best man in a hilarious wedding. Your shirt seems relatively well-kempt, but it is not new which means you just did a high school theater production which means you’re about eighteen and a half years old and, yes, you murdered someone.

JOSEPH:
Excellent! That was just like Sherlock. Except you don’t have a Watson to explain it to so the audience will never know what it really means.

EB:
Yep!

JOSEPH:
So, if there were a lot of Sherlock merchandise that you could purchase–let’s imagine there’s British television Sherlock underwear with just a big picture of Benedict Cumberbatch on the front–is that something you would want to purchase and own and wear?

EB:
I don’t know. Because then I’m wearing a jacket and underwear and it crosses the line for people. If there was a little tie with Benedict’s face on it that would be cute.

JOSEPH:
And do you like Benedict? I think a lot of people are drawn to this adaptation of Sherlock because it’s fast-paced and intelligent but also because they really like Benedict Cumberbatch.

EB:
Have you noticed his nose is twitchy and he has little beady eyes? He’s a dreamboat from a rabbit perspective.

JOSEPH:
And to me, that’s a rabbit name, Benedict Cumberbatch.

EB:
Absolutely.

JOSEPH:
Now, if you were offered a role on the show would you take it?

EB:
That would be amazing to be on the show!

JOSEPH:
What kind of role would you want to play?

EB:
I would like to be like some master criminal mastermind that Sherlock has to come to terms with.

JOSEPH:
And would you try to disguise the fact that you’re a bunny?

EB:
Yeah, I’d wear a wig. I want to see this episode now that you put it out there.

JOSEPH:
So how many times have you watched Sherlock?

EB:
Oh, a lot. Probably eight times. That and Call of Duty is why I didn’t start until February on the eggs. Sorry, kids.

JOSEPH:
It’ll work out, right?

EB:
Oh yeah, it always does.

JOSEPH:
So I would like to do some lightning round questions. I got some questions from the internet.

EB:
Oh my.

JOSEPH:
These are just random questions people wanted to ask the Easter Bunny. So do you drink alcohol?

EB:
No.

JOSEPH:
Why not?

EB:
You gotta keep your mind sharp. You gotta stay clean.

JOSEPH:
If you drank alcohol would it show up in the eggs?

EB:
Yeah, that happened one time.

JOSEPH:
What was it you drank?

EB:
Blackberry Brandy. It’s nasty. At first I thought it was delicious which is why I kept drinking it. But then I woke up in a pool of my own eggs.

JOSEPH:
Would you ever wear a utilikilt?

EB:
I don’t know. I like having my lower haunches free and easy. And things get caught on your tail.

JOSEPH:
So you don’t wear a utilikilt because of your tail?

EB:
Yeah, unless I wore it under my tail and then I’d look like a gangsta rabbit and no one wants that.

JOSEPH:
Is Bugs Bunny real?

EB:
No, that’s a cartoon, don’t be stupid.

JOSEPH:
Can you run faster than Superman?

EB:
Oh yeah.

JOSEPH:
Awesome. Next question. Why do Cadbury eggs, not the ones you produce, but Cadbury eggs taste like shit?

EB:
Oh. Well, you have amazing shit. Whoever wrote that question should keep going with whatever their diet is.

JOSEPH:
Excellent. And if you could excrete something besides eggs what would you excrete?

EB:
Mp3 players. Just small ones. iPod Shuffle size. And it would come pre-loaded with sweet jams.

JOSEPH:
What kind of sweet jams? What kind of music do you like?

EB:
Like Bach.

JOSEPH:
And the final lightning round question: Do you own a firearm?

EB:
No. I have paws. Firing a gun with a paw is hard. But for home security I tend to use lasers.

JOSEPH:
So like a grid?

EB:
Yeah.

JOSEPH:
So, is your home like a cave?

EB:
Yeah, it’s a hutch. So I don’t get a lot of people breaking in on purpose. Just like curious Boy Scouts. Or cavers.

JOSEPH:
Is there anyone else around the hutch cave thing? Do you have a man friend? Are you dating anyone?

EB:
Oh, no. I used to try to date within the mythological community and that doesn’t really work out. I get some leprechauns drunk dialing me, though.

JOSEPH:
Understandable.

EB:
I’ve also tried to date regular rabbits. But they don’t really interest me. All they want to do is IT, because they’re rabbits.

JOSEPH:
And you don’t have that same drive?

EB:
No. They’re not going to sit down and watch Sherlock with me. They’re rabbits.

JOSEPH:
So, they only want to have sex?

EB:
Or just stare at you and be terrified.

JOSEPH:
So, it’s sex or terror and that’s it?

EB:
Yep.

JOSEPH:
Okay, EB, I have some final questions for you. These are the serious, pompous wrap-up questions I ask all my guests. Are you ready?

EB:
Yeah, sure.

JOSEPH:
If you could only say one word for the rest of your life, what would that word be?

EB:
Hop.

JOSEPH:
Excellent. If someone made a rock opera about your life, what would it be called?

EB:
Eggs Oh Yeah.

JOSEPH:
What’s the punctuation in that title?

EB:
A semi-colon.

JOSEPH:
So Eggs Semi-Colon Oh Yeah?

EB:
Yes, to imply they are separate but dependent clauses.

JOSEPH:
Like Sex; Terror.

EB:
Yes.

JOSEPH:
And finally, Easter Bunny, what is happiness?

EB:
Happiness is strolling through a meadow filled with hidden eggs and discovering them on a bright, beautiful morning.

JOSEPH:
Thank you, Easter Bunny!

-fini-

Thanks for reading this lost episode of Obsessed! A new episode will be up next week. In the meantime, you can listen to recent episodes with Wil Wheaton and Mike Phirman on Beer and Pro-Tools or Sharon Stiteler and Ari Hoptman on Swearing!

If you enjoy my work, you can make more comedy stuffs happen with a small pledge to my Patreon! Thanks!

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