I’ve been obsessed with Star Wars for a long time. Every few months, specific lines from the films will lodge themselves in my brain. Recently, while waiting in line at the DMV, this line popped into my head:
“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” – Obi-Wan Kenobi
Cranky, truth-bending Jedi Knight, hermit, and professional asshole, Obi-Wan Kenobi, said this to Luke Skywalker. He was describing Mos Eisley and its Cantina.
It only recently occurred to me how harsh it is. The Cantina really isn’t that bad. It looks pretty clean, Luke gets his drink quickly, the music is GREAT, and not so loud you can’t have a conversation over it.
“Wretched hive of scum and villainy” is a pretty shitty Yelp review for a place where you can openly slice people’s arms off, everyone just shrugs it off then goes back to smoking their space hookahs and shit.
It made me think Obi-Wan Kenobi would be an absolute menace if he wrote reviews online. So here are some of that crazy old hermit’s pithy zero star reviews.
For maximum enjoyment, read them out loud in your best Obi-Wan Kenobi voice.
Now, for even MORE enjoyment go back and read them in your worst Obi-Wan Kenobi voice and compare!
Also, if you’d like to know how Obi-Wan might review your favorite restaurant, social media site, album, day of the week, etc. leave it in the comments and I’ll reply with a review! A cranky, crappy review.
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21 Responses to OBI-WAN KENOBI’S ZERO STAR REVIEWS
Had to be done…
Devin. An asshole coffeemaker full of hubris and ashes.
Haaa! I love the bit about the ashes! 🙂
Twin Peaks. A schizophrenic hamlet of murder and donuts.
Podcasts. An overwhelming crapshoot of movie reviews and comedians in basements.
The burning hills of Los Angeles.
The burning hills of Los Angeles. A deadly mixture of hills and burning.
David Lynch’s Dune
David Lynch’s Dune. A shambling horror of space worms and Kyle MacLachlan.
Star Wars Fandom.
Star Wars Fandom. A twisted conflagration of rampant joy and ceaseless prequel anger.
The villainy of the false fruit prophet, Grapefruit.
Grapefruit. A squirting mess of vitamins and garbage flavor.
Hah! I love this. How ’bout:
JOCO Cruise Crazy
JoCoCruiseCrazy. A floating bacchanalia of ukuleles and fruity rum.
California. A sweltering fitness center of kale and kale.
Microsoft Windows. A maddening shitstorm of broken code and butt-ugly.