I get a lot of year-end holiday letters. Holiday letters are odd because they’re just updates about people’s lives with pictures of children. They’re like Facebook on paper. Many of the holiday letters are great, but a few are strange in a very specific way. They are defensive. Aggressively defensive. It’s as though there is an unspoken challenge to prove your life is PERFECT IN EVERY WAY. I wrote the following parody of a holiday letter for our annual New Year’s Eve show. Some of the letter is accurate to letters I have received. Some of the letter features creative license. See if you can tell which parts are which! Enjoy and happy new year!
Dear Person Who Is Not As Good As Me,
It’s been another busy year! And yet my family continues to make time to excel at everything!
Our beautiful daughter Morgan (Age 7, 11th grade) continues to love everything about school. Her favorite subjects are math, history, english, art, science, social studies, advanced therapeutic pottery making, and every other class. Her favorite sports include–but are not limited to–basketball, baseball, soccer, lacrosse, badminton, polo, water polo, water football, water cricket, and competitive hugging. Also, Morgan recently won the Hunger Games.
Morgan is very happy and fulfilled doing all of these activities, she does not feel in any way that her parents are pushing her to succeed for their own validation. Her smile never seems forced and tortured as though she is about to explode from the inside out. She also likes to bake cookies. Sometimes, she eats the dough before cooking it. I guess she’s a rebel like her mom! Smilie face!
Our wonderful son Jordan (Age 3, 4th grade) is a sensitive little guy who has read Lord of the Flies six times and even got a chance to act it out when his Boy Scout Troupe got lost in the woods behind our beautiful and large suburban home. Jordan got the following badges: Leadership, Civics, Fire-making, Face Painting, and Primal Savagery. Jordan can also recite Pi to the 8,000th digit and enjoys ballet.
BUT he also loves cars, raw meat, and other outdated cultural signifiers of masculinity. No, he really does! I’m not just saying that because I’m aggressively clinging to damaging gender stereotypes. Smilie face with a wink!
My husband Ken continues to be a kind and supportive partner who makes more money at his job than your spouse or partner does. Also, Ken is immortal. The only way he can be killed is if another immortal cuts his head off with a broadsword in a parking garage, construction site, or other abandoned building. Good thing Ken is keeping up with his broadsword combat classes at the local Y!
Our sex life is not boring or bland. We never have to try new positions or dress up as characters from THE STAR WARS to stimulate interest in one another’s aging bodies. NO! My husband Ken’s penis continues to impress in both length and girth. Everything is so great that when I have an orgasm a rainbow shoots out of my you-know-where.
Of course, it’s also been a busy year for me. I am keeping up with my crafting. I knit an entire shelter for homeless people. I am always calm because I am always doing yoga. I AM DOING YOGA AS I WRITE THIS.
I also beat Kanye West in a freestyle rap battle in the parking lot of Wal-Mart and self-published a fan fiction novel in which Oprah Winfrey has sex with Edward Cullen. It sold a million copies. I can open a bottle of Trader Joe’s wine by harnessing my rage and screaming so loud the top of the bottle shatters. When people say things I don’t like, I just start singing something from The Sound of Music. I am not in denial about anything!!! I BEAT EVERY LEVEL OF CANDY CRUSH!!!!!
In closing, here are some religious beliefs that you may not share but I feel comfortable ramming them down your throat because the holidays. We should all get together soon; it’s been too long.
Well, I think this festive holiday letter illustrates that I am better than you in every way—physically, emotionally, spiritually, sexually, and financially. If you challenge any of my beliefs, make no mistake I WILL END YOU.
With Much Love From My Family to Yours,
A Motherfucking Crazy Person
P.S. I have more friends than you do on Facebook.
This story is now available in audio format as part of my comedy album A VERY HOLIDAY THING. The album and the blog post were made possible by funding from Patreon. Thanks, patrons!