One of the rewards of backing me on Patreon is suggesting a topic for a blog post. The backer who suggested this post wished to remain anonymous.
Anonymous said, “I sometimes feel like a politician the way I wordsmith my partner’s interests and actions when talking to co-workers or family. So my suggestion is a how-to guide for introducing your geeky significant other to your non-geeky friends and family.”
Personally, I think we should all fly our geek flag with pride, but it’s not always easy to do.
So as you jump in your stolen Type 40 TARDIS or illegally modified YT-1300 Corellian Freighter to travel home for the holidays, here are several fun euphemisms for geek pursuits you can use with your family of noobs!
Collecting Star Wars Action Figures = Investing in Plastics
Playing Dungeons & Dragons = Taste Testing New Mountain Dew Flavors
Working at a Ren Fest = Camping with Benefits
Putting Magic Cards in Plastic Sleeves = Canning the Preserves
Playing Legend of Zelda = What if Candy Crush had a story?
Painting Miniatures = Mid-Life Crisis
Buying Comic Books = Participating in a focus group for the movie industry
Editing Wikipedia Articles about Star Trek Novels = Screaming at the Abyss
Shipping Hermione and Harry = Being aware that Tumblr exists
Masturbating to a Picture of Benedict Cumberbatch = Pilates
Okay. Reviewing the above, it’s clear some of my euphemisms are potentially more confusing/disturbing than the truth.
Here’s another tactic. Just get mad and yell at people. Personally, my patience for the non-geeky reacting with confusion and derision to geek stuff has been greatly eroded since, you know, geek stuff is now a massive part of our culture and economy. Here are some cathartic answers. They work best if you have an obnoxious relative named Steve who is also a dentist.
Who is Captain Marvel?
SHE’S A SUPERHERO WHOSE MOVIE IS GOING TO MAKE MORE MONEY ON OPENING WEEKEND THEN YOU WILL EVER MAKE AS A DENTIST, STEVE.
What’s a Doctor Who?
IT’S A BRITISH SHOW THAT HAS BEEN AROUND LONGER THAN YOU’VE BEEN ALIVE, STEVE. AND NO, JUST BECAUSE IT’S BRITISH DOESN’T MEAN THE ACTORS HAVE BAD TEETH. THAT JOKE IS STUPID AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF, STEVE.
What’s a furry?
THEY’RE PEOPLE WHO ENJOY DRESSING UP LIKE ANIMALS, STEVE. YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT SINCE YOU’VE BEEN COSPLAYING A HORSE’S ASS ALL NIGHT.
Okay, but what’s cosplay?
DON’T YOU WATCH CRIME PROCEDURALS? THEY’VE ALL DONE A COSPLAY EPISODE. IT’S LIKE THAT, BUT NOT STUPID LIKE THOSE SHOWS MAKE IT SEEM. IT’S AWESOME, STEVE. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE DRESSED UP AS HELLO KITTY DARTH VADER? CAN YOUR PUNY MIND EVEN FATHOM THAT, STEVE?
What’s a Skyrim, though? Is that–
DO YOU KNOW WHAT GOOGLE IS, STEVE? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YEAR IT IS? DO YOU WANT TO BE EVEN REMOTELY CULTURAL RELEVANT? OR DO YOU JUST WANT TO BE A TWITTER EGG PROFILE PIC OF A HUMAN BEING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, STEVE?
Anyway, that’s not an actual suggestion, more of a fantasy. An angry, cathartic fantasy that was SUPER FUN to type.
Ultimately, I think the best you can do is be wise, calm, and patient like Obi-Wan Kenobi. If your loved ones are curious about your geeky pursuits, just tell them the truth.
Even if that truth is from a certain point of view.
There’s nothing in the geek realm that isn’t as simple as this: It’s a hobby, a game, a television show, a book, a club, or, you know, A DRIVING FORCE OF OUR ECONOMY AND CULTURE.
Because when you get down to it, there is no difference between Pokemon and Fantasy Football.
Okay, Pikachu hasn’t been arrested anywhere near as much as NFL players, but there’s no reason to rub that in at the dinner table.
Happy holidays and Han Shot First.
Your geek pal,
If you enjoy my comedy works, you can help make them possible by becoming a patron! Also, if you’re still looking for holiday gifts for the geek in your life, here are some geeky comedy things.