The following is a message to the entire world from the superhero commonly known as Aquaman. It has not been edited in any way. This should be clear from all the f-bombs.
Fuck you guys. Seriously.
My name is Aquaman. I am a superhero. I am a member of the Justice League. I am the motherfucking KING OF ATLANTIS and I deserve some fucking respect. Seriously.
Do you know how much abuse I take online? People call me the Arby’s of superheroes. The LinkedIn of meta-humans. They say if the Justice League was a rock band I would play bass.
If you’re going to make fun of me at least get some new references. Arby’s, LinkedIn, bass players–they’re easy targets. I can’t even say “J.J. Abrams” without one of you unimaginative shitheads shouting “Lens flare!” and patting yourself on the back for it. THAT’S A REFERENCE, NOT A JOKE, FUCKWADS!
What? Are you shocked I have an opinion about something nuanced like the intersection between omnipresent pop culture and quality joke construction? WELL, THERE’S A LOT YOU DON’T KNOW ABOUT AQUAMAN, SON.
Most importantly, I’m not lame. I’m not “the Ocean’s answer to Coldplay.” I’M AWESOME.
Let’s start with my super powers. People say I suck because I’m only valuable if something is happening in the water. THE WATER? YOU MEAN THE THING THAT IS COVERING MOST OF THE PLANET? LIKE 71% OF THE ENTIRE EARTH?
So, ignoring the fact that I’m hella strong on the land anyway, yes, I’m EXTRA STRONG when I’m in the thing that covers 71% of the planet! You got me there, braniac! And I mean braniac as an ironic term for idiot, not the super villain Braniac whose ass I could kick on land or sea or EVEN THE AIR.
Yes, I can fly. I’ve seen dumb-asses on the internet say I can only fly underwater. THAT’S CALLED SWIMMING, DIPSHIT.
I can also telepathically communicate with any living thing in the ocean. I can call up a dolphin for a ride like it was a fucking Lyft car. And it doesn’t cost me shit, because the dolphins know I respect them.
I don’t just use my powers to command the creatures of the sea. I talk and I LISTEN. Sometimes, I’m all telepathically like, “Hey, Sperm Whale, what’s it like to have the LARGEST BRAIN of any creature on the planet?” And the Sperm Whale is like, “Damn, Aquaman, thanks for taking the time TO ASK.”
I’ve also had it with people making fun of my appearance. They say wearing orange and green makes it look like a kitchen from the 1970s threw up on me. You know why I wear bright orange and green? BECAUSE THE OCEAN IS DARK, ASSHOLES. Have you been to the bottom of the ocean? No? Then stick it up your Mariana Trench, you sad fucking James Cameron wannabes!
Back in the ’90s, I also had a giant bushy beard and a hook for hand. You heard me. I was a garishly dressed man with ridiculous facial hair carrying antiquated technology for no reason. I was a hipster before they were popular!
BUT I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE FUN OF HIPSTERS. I HAVE MORE CLASS THAN THAT.
AS LONG AS I’M YELLING, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT PISSES ME OFF THE MOST?
People say I’m lame because of my ORIGIN STORY. They say it’s not ICONIC.
Batman’s parents were murdered. Superman’s parents dumped him in a rocket and shot him into space so he could be adopted by a Norman Rockwell painting. Wolverine is from Canada.
But who am I? What does the general public know about me? Who is Aquaman?
Isn’t he that USELESS TOOL from the Super Friends cartoon? I should have sent a piranha up the sewers to give those jerk-off cartoon writers a toilet surprise 30 years ago!
You want to know what my defining trait is? How about this? ANGER. That’s my character now. You know what my backstory is? I CAN BREATHE UNDERWATER AND I’M SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT! How’s that?
Or, crazy thought here, you could actually get to know me. My real name is Arthur “Orin” Curry. I’m a half-human, half-Atlantean hybrid. I am a FOUNDING member of the Justice League. I have a fucking certificate that says so and everything. I’m crazy strong. I am a natural blonde. I do not dye. I have an Etsy account and an amazing collection of stand-up comedy albums on the original vinyl. I am an avid Wikipedia editor. My comfort foods are waffles and vodka. I’ve listened to every episode of WTF with Marc Maron. I’m really fucking good at swearing. My favorite Pixar movie is Cars. COME AT ME, HATERS.
I will take any shade you have to throw, but maybe–just maybe–it could be clever or informed for once.
Spend some time with me. Get to know me. Then hate me.
Because, I swear, if one more of you unoriginal shitbrained clichefuckers call me the Jar-Jar Binks of the Justice League, I WILL SHOW YOU A WORLD OF PAIN.
OR AT LEAST 71% OF A WORLD OF PAIN.
Thank you for your time,
Motherfucking Aquaman, Motherfuckers.
P.S. My favorite song is “I’m on a boat.”
This comedy blog post was made possible by the kind support of all my Patreon backers. Thanks, backers!
8 Responses to An Open Letter From Aquaman
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Angry? Over fishing? Sea-floor trawling? Heard of the Orange Roughy? Check how long their lives are? You ate fish at Applebee’s that were born during Victoria’s reign! Wonder why they are gone? You were eating the Tolkien Elves of the fish kingdom!
Oh, also, it is likely that, since my realm eats _way_ more CO2 than your puny terrestrial forests, that my hood may be one of the only ways to save your monkey-asses from extermination. Enjoy your subsidized beach-house insurance while you can, primates. I know if all the icecaps melt land won’t be _totally_ inundated, but aqua will rise in ways that will make you give it respect!
Aw, hydrosnap! You go, AC! Bring that aquatruth!*
* Also, fuck fucking Jar Jar in his fucking racial-stereotype Palpatine-pwned Gungan face.
With a lightsaber.
A red one.
You talk a big game but it’s rather obvious you are only trying to compensate for your Tiny Perls.
Don’t try throwing that line at us (I am a superhero) you’re just trying to provoke the rest of us on porpoise! You call yourself Super but I don’t quite sea it. I find your fishing for compliments pathetic, you can’t can’t even tuna piano! You’re just trolling, water you thinking? So you’ve been delta bad hand and it really tugs on your fly. Stop bitching and get onboard. You write like you’re tanked and you sure are crabby tonight! Stop whaling on, or someone’s gonna give you a left hook. You think we get moray than you? You bitch loud, stop feeling saury for yourself.
I love this SO FUCKING HARD!!!
I wrote a post once about business lessons we can learn from Aquaman – http://jenvertanen.com/aquaman-business/. It’s a wee bit lame – I admit – BUT that’s so not the point.
The point is…Aquaman is simply the most amazing superhero ever and the naysars can fuckity fuck fuck off.
And yes – my collection of cool Aquaman stuff keeps growing and growing :).
I fucking love Aquaman too and he deserves some fucking respect, because he is the best fucking superhero ever with the best fucking powers.
I am not used to hearing Aquaman say fuck so much although the article was pretty fucking funny and great payback for all those fuckers who diss our hero.