For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, and now daily etiquette tips. If you’re wondering how to behave in polite society, this will answer most of the questions you would never bother to ask. Enjoy!
You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy July’s series of Daily Incorrect Quote Tweets.
Day One: At family dinner, NEVER stab your in-laws with the salad fork. That’s what the stabbing fork is for.
Day Two: After Memorial Day, one should ALWAYS pass the joint to the left.
Day Three: In the jazz community, a twenty minute sax solo is an acceptable form of greeting.
Day Four: Save the Date or STD cards should be sent for weddings, key parties, and pre-planned emotional breakdowns.
Day Five: If someone buys you an off-registry wedding gift, it’s customary to lace their thank you card with a deadly poison.
Day Six: Don’t stare at buttocks. Unless eyes are painted on the buttocks. Then you should make eye contact 50% of the time.
Day Seven: Never tell someone they look like Tom Cruise. Be direct and say, “You look like an ageless murder robot.”
Day Eight: It’s socially acceptable to look at a smartphone while using a public urinal, but not an iPad, you fucking savages.
Day Nine: The proper response to another person’s sneeze is: “I’m sorry about your nose explosion.”
Day Ten: A guide to Facebook invites. Yes=Maybe. Maybe=No. No=Send Me Another Invite And I’ll Murder You In Your Sleep.
Day Eleven: One out of every seven tweets should mention Benedict Cumberbatch. Any fewer is a vulgar abuse of the platform.
Day Twelve: If you pass gas in a public place, don’t be embarrassed. Take credit for your work with a simple bow or curtsy.
Day Thirteen: If you don’t have children it’s acceptable to show people pictures of your cats, plants, or XboxLive Gamerscore.
Day Fourteen: If you hear an adult say YOLO out loud without irony, it’s acceptable to immediately test that theory.
Day Fifteen: When people say something you like in real life, do not try to touch their LIKE button.
Day Sixteen: The single rudest thing you can do with a smartphone is call another human. Send a text, you savage.
Day Seventeen: You know who doesn’t take pictures of their food? ANIMALS. You should be posting at least 57 pictures per meal.
Day Eighteen: If your dining partner uses the phrase “it is what it is” it’s quite acceptable to flip the table in a monstrous rage.
Day Nineteen: Some basics: Don’t chew with your mouth open. Don’t listen with your mind closed. Don’t love with your pants on.
Day Twenty: It’s rude to break up with someone via text. A vine video is far more intimate and easy to share with friends.
Day Twenty-One: A business handshake should be so hard and firm, everyone in the room will shout, “Jesus, what’s he compensating for?”
Day Twenty-Two: The proper way to correct someone’s grammar on Twitter is posting about it on Google+ where no one will ever see it.
Day Twenty-Three: Never, ever make eye contact with anyone at a highway rest stop. Even if you’re meeting there for sex.
Day Twenty-Four: We’re used to emoticons so at social events you should end every sentence with an abrupt, non-sequitur smile or frown.
Day Twenty-Five: Body language pro-tip: Winking is always creepy.;)
Day Twenty-Six: If you’re an asshole, it’s polite to start sentences with “I’m not an asshole, but…” so we know you’re an asshole.
Day Twenty-Seven: Don’t tell people their faults. Instead post their top 17 in a fun, snarky list on the internet. People love lists.
Day Twenty-Eight: Correcting all you’re friends grammar and punctuations are great; for people whom want to loose all they’re friend’s.
Day Twenty-Nine: If you run into a mansplainer, ask him to explain being a jackass.This will create an asshole paradox and destroy him.
Day Thirty: If you host a dinner party and you do not ask every single guest if they’ve seen The Wire, you are a fucking monster.