Tag Archives: Netflix


For the lovers out there, I’ve crafted a piece of extremely erotic slam poetry. If at all possible you should read it to yourself while sipping whiskey and listening to sultry jazz spin on your turntable. This poem is about passion. ADULT passion. TIRED, ADULT passion. Enjoy.

It’s Friday night and I’m all alone
Got work to do ‘til the wife comes home
Sitting in my office, planning and writing
sending emails and blind carbon copying

Then keys jangle, bags rustle, I know the score
It’s my wife coming in through our back door

She’s carrying groceries, she’s tired, and she’s huffing
She says, “What you up to tonight, husband?
You got a show, a meeting, or something?”
And I say, “No, baby, I ain’t got nothing.”

So we slip into something more comfortable
Sweatpants so big a dog could get lost in ‘em
Throw our bodies on the couch and land with a flop
Flip up our hoodies so no body heat is lost out our tops

“We should talk about dinner,” says the wife with a sigh
“Maybe we can try to use the food processor again?”
“Fuck that shit,” I say, “let’s order in.”

What you want, baby?
Pizza, Chinese, a bagel with lox?
Doesn’t matter to me
I’ll eat anything that’s hot and comes in a box

We order pizza online with a quick click clack
Cleverly avoiding all human contact
And before you know it we’re all settled in
The pizza’s steaming and the motherfucking netflix is streaming

We’re watching some show we both like a lot
Starring good actors who are quirky but hot

We’re in the middle of Episode Two, Season Four
And the plot has more twists
Than our complimentary cinnamon stix
A telemarketer calls the wife on her phone so she sets it to silent
She’s all like, “Bitch, stop calling before I get violent.”
Wife doesn’t swear much, so it’s a funny joke
I laugh, spit up my whiskey, and almost choke
She’s knitting, I’m drinking, we’re watching, it’s heaven
Then we realize, shit, we just finished Season Seven

We’re getting tired, our legs are cramping, our asses are sore
I say, “Baby, I don’t know if I can take much more.”

And my wife says those three little words
Just one more
Just one more
Just one more

Just five more later, we go to bed and strip off our clothes
Throw ‘em in a pile of dirty shirts and panty hose
Finally it’s time for the main event
We burrow under the covers like we’re pitching a tent

We can feel the tension rising
Our excitement is super-sizing

We’re going to do this long and hard
We’re going to use all our power
And as god is our witness
We’re going to sleep for eight fucking hours

Come morning we’re cuddled in each other’s arms
There’s a noise, shit, we forgot to turn off the alarm

I thrust my hand over all of a sudden
To smack that little snooze button

“Yes,” my wife cries, “Hit it, hit that little button!”

And I pound and I pound away
My hand springing up like a jack in the box
To hit that ringing alarm clock
That electronic crowing cock
My arm gets stiff and strong like an ox
And I spend all morning
Slamming that tight little box

Sometime around eleven thirty eight
My wife says, “Damn. It’s getting pretty late,
We got stuff to do that just can’t wait.”

And I say, “Goddamn right, we got things that need doing
Let’s put on our hoodies and get the coffee brewing,
‘Cause today, baby, we got another hot date
We’re watching all of motherfucking Season Eight.”

This comedy blog post was made possible by the words “Oh” and “Yeah!” More importantly, it was made possible by kind pledges on Patreon. If you enjoyed the piece, you can help me post more by pledging as little as $1 per comedy blog post. Thank you very much for your time, support, and tired adult passion.


Filed under Comedy Real Life

PODCASTS: Obsessed Ep 37

Podcast fans, creators, and super-funny comedy humans Levi Weinhagen and Paul de Cordova join Joseph for a very meta-podcast about podcasts. Plus, we grill our random audience volunteer Sarah in various podcast styles and Sarah says some lovely things about Netflix, rabbits, having ham for hands, and “super deep fun.”

AWOOGA! Obsessed is now a part of Feral Audio! Go to Feral now to listen to this episode and subscribe for new ones!

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

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Filed under Obsessed, Podcast

A Man and His Fake TV Show Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, and now fake TV shows. Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy September’s series of Daily Horoscope Tweets.

Day One – Whatever, Ghosts: Four attractive, lazy twentysomethings can see ghosts but don’t really care or do anything about it.

Day Two – Crime Sandwich: A cranky but brilliant manager of an Arby’s teams up with a hot FBI guy to solve fast food based murders.

Day Three – The Potfather: An old pot dealer tries to get out of the game, man, but people keep pulling him back in and shit.

Day Four – Daleks: In this Doctor Who spin-off, we see the Daleks on their home world, Skaro. All they do is post YouTube comments

Day Five – Let’s Make Noises About Movies: Two frustrated movie critics make exasperated noises about hot new blockbusters.

Day Six – Clown Hoarders: This is just like the show Hoarders, but all the hoarders are dressed like clowns.

Day Seven – Big Dumb Idiot Heads: A reality show in which we watch executives cancel good TV shows, then get mauled by a bear.

Day Eight – That’s So NSA: Two wacky government analysts read people’s funniest private messages with zany graphics and sound effects.

Day Nine – The Vampire Whatever: It’s a show with vampires. Maybe werewolves. A lot of sad, topless guys. Whatever. You’ll watch it.

Day Ten – Cop Doctors: A show about surgeons who operate solely on cops. Usually old ones who were about to retire.

Day Eleven – Game of Ponies: An animated show for the whole family. Full of sex, death, intrigue, ponies, and absolutely no swear words.

Day Twelve – The Void: A talk show with chatty hosts who just shut up and stare off into space for a while. Also, recipes and gossip.

Day Thirteen – Friend Makers: A reality show in which the only goal is to make friends. The spin-off show is called The Saddest Loser.

Day Fourteen – Literally Punk’d: A hidden camera show that is literally just people freaking out over the misuse of the word “literally.”

Day Fifteen – Cop & Furry: She’s a tough as nails cop. He enjoys dressing as a soft, fuzzy animal. This will only last two episodes.

Day Sixteen – The Vicar of Murder Village: A wise old vicar solves at least one murder a day in this quaint show about rural England.

Day Seventeen – America’s Top Frozen Pizza Chef: A reality show that asks the question, “Who is the best at something that takes no skill?”

Day Eighteen – Inside the Actor’s Dressing Room: James Lipton breaks into actors’ private spaces to ask stars about their favorite noises.

Day Nineteen – You Look Like Shit: A grim yet surreal HBO crime drama. The only dialogue said by any character is “You look like shit.”

Day Twenty – Donkey Friends: This is a remake of the hit sitcom Friends reshot entirely with donkeys as the main characters.

Day Twenty-One – Quiet Dignity: A nature show. David Attenborough narrates the sex lives of human couples who have been married a long time.

Day Twenty-Two – Man Men: A show based on a common typo for the show Mad Men. Mostly shots of dudes eating steaks while driving muscle cars.

Day Twenty-Three – Profilers: An original Netflix dramedy about a couple torn apart by signing into one another’s Netflix profiles.

Day Twenty-Four – The Bourne Diaries: Jason Bourne writes in his feelings journal, occasionally kills a guy with a handmade paper bookmark.

Day Twenty-Five – Ken Burns’ Documentary: Tender, moving photos of photos used in other documentaries. Narrators read historical narration.

Day Twenty-Six – SharkButt: An original SyFy drama about a lonely shark whose face looks like a butt. You’ll laugh until you die.

Day Twenty-Seven – Crystal High: A down on his luck meth dealer accepts a job as a high school chemistry teacher. Hilarity/violence ensues.

Day Twenty-Eight – Twerk Train: A dance show sort of like Soul Train, but not really.

Day Twenty-Nine – What’s Up, Warden? A sitcom about wacky antics at a high security federal prison. Uses a laugh track. Lots of shanking.

Day Thirty – Phone Lookers: A hip comedy about young, sexy roommates who never talk or have sex because they’re looking at their phones.

Day Thirty-One – The Ironic Hipster Comedy Hour: No one’s ever seen this. The air date’s not advertised, you just have to know when it’s on.

Your friend in Netflix watching,


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Filed under Daily Tweet Collection