A Man and His Urban Myth Tweets

For just over a year I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopeshorrorwriting tipsholiday tweetsresolution tweets, Hey Girl tweets, and now Urban Myths! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy April’s series of very important tweets about pastries!

Day One – If you read three correct facts in a row on Wikipedia you will die in seven days.

Day Two – The best way to get rid of the hiccups is to put a bag over your head. The bag MUST be full of bees.

Day Three – If you mix Pop Rocks with Crystal Pepsi and drink it you will travel back in time to 1992.

Day Four – If you feed an American some Poutine after midnight they will turn into a Canadian.

Day Five – If you say your own name out loud three times a life coach will appear.

Day Six – If you go more than 7 days without tweeting about Benedict Cumberbatch, twitter suspends your account.

Day Seven – The average person swallows 300 people dressed as Spider-Man over the course of their life.

Day Eight – If you say the name of “The Scottish Play” in a theater your pants turn into a kilt.

Day Nine – Every truck in Portland is a taco truck.

Day Ten – Dingoes do not eat babies. They love babies. Some of the finest daycare centers in Australia are run by dingoes.

Day Eleven – The Richard Gere gerbil story is ridiculous and untrue. That said, Tom Cruise once put an entire llama up his butt.

Day Twelve – This guy I know once opened a diet coke can and the whole thing was filled with actual cocaine.

Day Thirteen – There is a Taco Bell in Detroit that is owned and operated by a family of raccoons.

Day Fourteen – Benedict Cumberbatch is actually a charming, complex muppet operated by the ghost of Jim Henson.

Day Fifteen – Things you CAN pick up from toilet seats: butt leprosy, full-blown jerkface syndrome, a lateral lisp & toilet rickets.

Day Sixteen – Every time you take a selfie you are stealing your own soul and then giving it back to yourself.

Day Seventeen – Every three leaf clover is EXTREMELY bad luck so the whole world is pretty much fucked.

Day Eighteen – If you pull a normal person’s finger they fart. If you pull a rich person’s finger, quarters come out of their butt.

Day Nineteen – They tease you because they like you.

Day Twenty – If you yell “fire” in a crowded theater you will burst into flames. It’s a cool trick, but only once.

Day Twenty-One – Trader Joe’s Pinot Grigio wine is actually made from sugar and the tears of white people watching The Bachelor.

Day Twenty-Two – There have been mole people living under New York for 100 years but only because the sewers are rent controlled.

Day Twenty-Three – If you listen to any Michael Bolton song backwards you can hear Satan refuse to buy his soul.

Day Twenty-Four – If you hit Reply All to respond to an email your message will be sent to everyone you have ever had sex with.

Day Twenty-Five – Every time you hear a sad trombone, an angel’s wings fall off.

Day Twenty-Six – If you stand in front of a microwave you will slowly develop the power to shoot Lean Cuisine meals out of your hands.

Day Twenty-Seven – If you don’t change your Facebook privacy settings, Mark Zuckerberg can come to your home and poke you.

Day Twenty-Eight – It’s okay to pee in a swimming pool because the chemicals in chlorine wash away your memories of being a monster.

Day Twenty-Nine – Aliens landed in New Mexico in the 1940s and immediately started making great meth.

Day Thirty – If you have a smartphone and you go more than 10 minutes without looking at it, it will start screaming.

Day Thirty-One – If you watch any VHS tape, you will die eventually.

Your mythical friend,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can check out all the comedy words and things I’m making via Patreon.

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