Tag Archives: Star Wars

MYSELF: Obsessed Ep 74

A special, weird episode featuring host Joseph Scrimshaw discussing his obsession with himself! Featuring guest host Hal Lublin! Thrill to such topics as Benedict Cumberbatch, small dogs, feminism, the best episodes of Doctor Who for cats, spending student loans on action figures, the phrase “dark wiggle room,” and much more. Special thanks to Patreon backers for unlocking this episode as a milestone goal!

Thanks as always to Molly Lewis for our theme song!

AWOOGA! Obsessed is now a part of Feral Audio! Go to Feral now to listen to this episode and subscribe for new ones!

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

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GEEK CODE

TheGeekCode

One of the rewards of backing me on Patreon is suggesting a topic for a blog post. The backer who suggested this post wished to remain anonymous.

Anonymous said, “I sometimes feel like a politician the way I wordsmith my partner’s interests and actions when talking to co-workers or family. So my suggestion is a how-to guide for introducing your geeky significant other to your non-geeky friends and family.”

Personally, I think we should all fly our geek flag with pride, but it’s not always easy to do.

So as you jump in your stolen Type 40 TARDIS or illegally modified YT-1300 Corellian Freighter to travel home for the holidays, here are several fun euphemisms for geek pursuits you can use with your family of noobs!

Collecting Star Wars Action Figures = Investing in Plastics

Playing Dungeons & Dragons = Taste Testing New Mountain Dew Flavors

Working at a Ren Fest = Camping with Benefits

Putting Magic Cards in Plastic Sleeves = Canning the Preserves

Playing Legend of Zelda = What if Candy Crush had a story?

Painting Miniatures = Mid-Life Crisis

Buying Comic Books = Participating in a focus group for the movie industry

Editing Wikipedia Articles about Star Trek Novels = Screaming at the Abyss

Shipping Hermione and Harry = Being aware that Tumblr exists

Masturbating to a Picture of Benedict Cumberbatch = Pilates

Okay. Reviewing the above, it’s clear some of my euphemisms are potentially more confusing/disturbing than the truth.

Here’s another tactic. Just get mad and yell at people. Personally, my patience for the non-geeky reacting with confusion and derision to geek stuff has been greatly eroded since, you know, geek stuff is now a massive part of our culture and economy. Here are some cathartic answers. They work best if you have an obnoxious relative named Steve who is also a dentist.

Who is Captain Marvel?

SHE’S A SUPERHERO WHOSE MOVIE IS GOING TO MAKE MORE MONEY ON OPENING WEEKEND THEN YOU WILL EVER MAKE AS A DENTIST, STEVE.

What’s a Doctor Who?

IT’S A BRITISH SHOW THAT HAS BEEN AROUND LONGER THAN YOU’VE BEEN ALIVE, STEVE. AND NO, JUST BECAUSE IT’S BRITISH DOESN’T MEAN THE ACTORS HAVE BAD TEETH. THAT JOKE IS STUPID AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF, STEVE.

What’s a furry?

THEY’RE PEOPLE WHO ENJOY DRESSING UP LIKE ANIMALS, STEVE. YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND THAT SINCE YOU’VE BEEN COSPLAYING A HORSE’S ASS ALL NIGHT.

Okay, but what’s cosplay?

DON’T YOU WATCH CRIME PROCEDURALS? THEY’VE ALL DONE A COSPLAY EPISODE. IT’S LIKE THAT, BUT NOT STUPID LIKE THOSE SHOWS MAKE IT SEEM. IT’S AWESOME, STEVE. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SOMEONE DRESSED UP AS HELLO KITTY DARTH VADER? CAN YOUR PUNY MIND EVEN FATHOM THAT, STEVE?

What’s a Skyrim, though? Is that–

DO YOU KNOW WHAT GOOGLE IS, STEVE? DO YOU KNOW WHAT YEAR IT IS? DO YOU WANT TO BE EVEN REMOTELY CULTURAL RELEVANT? OR DO YOU JUST WANT TO BE A TWITTER EGG PROFILE PIC OF A HUMAN BEING FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, STEVE?

Anyway, that’s not an actual suggestion, more of a fantasy. An angry, cathartic fantasy that was SUPER FUN to type.

Ultimately, I think the best you can do is be wise, calm, and patient like Obi-Wan Kenobi. If your loved ones are curious about your geeky pursuits, just tell them the truth.

Even if that truth is from a certain point of view.

There’s nothing in the geek realm that isn’t as simple as this: It’s a hobby, a game, a television show, a book, a club, or, you know, A DRIVING FORCE OF OUR ECONOMY AND CULTURE.

Because when you get down to it, there is no difference between Pokemon and Fantasy Football.

Okay, Pikachu hasn’t been arrested anywhere near as much as NFL players, but there’s no reason to rub that in at the dinner table.

Happy holidays and Han Shot First.

Your geek pal,
Joseph

If you enjoy my comedy works, you can help make them possible by becoming a patron! Also, if you’re still looking for holiday gifts for the geek in your life, here are some geeky comedy things.

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KNITTING: Obsessed Ep 65

Joseph has a special holiday chat with his wife–historic house expert, stage manager, dancer, and OBSESSIVE KNITTER Sara Stevenson Scrimshaw. Topics include but are not limited to baby sweaters, knit handcuffs, the crafting abilities of Star Wars characters, and marriage. Enjoy!

AWOOGA! Obsessed is now a part of Feral Audio! Go to Feral now to listen to this episode and subscribe for new ones!

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

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GEEK GIRLS: Obsessed Ep 62

Writer, host, and professional nerd Jenna Busch shares her passion about Geek Girls. Topics include how to cosplay as a Geek Girl, spider-man’s crotch, fake geek guys, and Princess Leia’s origin story. Check out Jenna’s website Legion of Leia here!

AWOOGA! Obsessed is now a part of Feral Audio! Go to Feral now to listen to this episode and subscribe for new ones!

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

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There Is No News About Star Wars In This Post But You Will Read It Anyway

NoStarWarsNews

Like almost every human being on the planet with access to the internet, I’m excited about the new Star Wars movie coming out in 2015.

I will click on any article about it even though there’s usually no actual news whatsoever.

To add to the horror, I don’t even want to know anything because I don’t like spoilers.

I knew everything about The Phantom Menace before it came out because I read the character bios on the back of the action figures. Based on those I imagined a plot and thought, “It’s probably not that, though, because it’s kind of messy and stupid.” And then that was it. So don’t read the back of the action figures for the new movie. They will contain actual information, unlike this post.

Just in case you didn’t read the title, there is ZERO news about Star Wars in this post.

We do know this about the new Star Wars movie: it will be marketed heavily.

There will also be lightsabers, boots, probably helmets, and definitely pants. A LOT of the characters will wear pants.

Other things we can confirm: Han Solo will be in it. He might have a limp. Mark Hamill’s beard will play Luke Skywalker’s beard. Carrie Fisher will hopefully write her own dialogue for Princess Leia because she’s super funny and insightful.

This is an alien that might appear in the new Star Wars but probably not:

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Sadly, Alec Guinness, won’t be in the film because he’s no longer alive.

No news about Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian. It is possible that Andy Serkis will play Billy Dee Williams as Lando Calrissian which seems like a really elaborate way to say “fuck you” to Billy Dee Williams.

Did you know there was a deleted scene in Empire Strikes Back where Lando catches Boba Fett farting?

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Did I mention there is no news in this post?

Will Lobot be in the new movie? Will he just have two iPads taped to the side of his head? Who knows? Not me. Who cares? Sadly, I do. Do you have any news about Lobot? Can I debase myself in some way to get it? Hit me up.

The music will be done by John Williams and if you buy the motion picture soundtrack CD there will be skits in between each song.

There might be a new cantina scene. Lady Gaga will be the bartender and she’ll serve someone blue milk mixed with “death liquor” and say, “Whoops! I’ve got a bad feeling about this!” and then do a duet with Tony Bennett. He won’t have pants. Why are you still reading this?

There could be a character in the film named Jan Solo. Or Typo Mangle. Or Dix Innabag. Or Innuendo Fucknoddle.

There might be a scene where Han Solo shoots Jar Jar Binks without provocation or warning.

Did you know you could make a joke that the “J.J.” in Abrams stands for “Jar Jar”? You sure can! More and more people will do it as we get closer to the film’s release SO GET FUCKING PUMPED for that joke.

The film will have lightsabers.

Here’s a picture of something that isn’t a lightsaber:

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If the movie doesn’t have lightsabers, I will literally have a mental breakdown.

The movie could be two hours of medical droid 2-1B explaining the science of midi-chlorians and I wouldn’t give a flying fuck as long as there was a lady in the background with a lightsaber.

Here are other things Andy Serkis might play: The Millenium Falcon, the Dejarik holograms, space, the Death Star again (third time’s the charm!), Khan Noonien Singh, Mon Mothma’s vibrator, or maybe even the drunken podracer, Teemto Pagalies. You learned Teemto drank heavily before the podrace if you played the video game version of The Phantom Menace on the Playstation One.

That last sentence was a cry for help. Help me, help me, Obi-Wan. Don’t you have work to do? A child to hug? Maybe just turn off the internet and get out a piece of paper and write down some things you like about yourself.

This is my favorite line of dialogue from the prequel trilogy: “I am sending you to the Mustafar system in the outer rim. It is a volcanic planet, you will be safe there.” Safe on a volcano planet? Ha ha ha ha! I saw Revenge of the Sith in the theater three times! Why am I still writing this?

Anyway, I like lightsabers, pants, aliens, Lady Gaga, and sprawling space operas about good and evil.

I like that music when Luke Skywalker stares at the twin suns of Tatooine and thinks about his destiny. That one shot has made a huge impact on my life. There’s nothing like it. It’s sad, but there’s hope.

A lot of things in life are sad, but they’re so much better with just a little bit of hope. Even if it’s weird-space-farmboy-staring-into-twin-suns hope.

I hope there will be a moment even remotely like that in the new movie.

Maybe not, probably not. Who knows? I don’t know. Do you?

I like that photo of Mark Hamill and his beard. It makes me feel things I haven’t felt in a long time. A long time.

I have no news about the new Star Wars. Not even from a certain point of view.

No news, no facts. I just have hope. And that goes a long way. Thanks, Star Wars.

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This comedy blog post was made possible by the kind support of all my Patreon backers. Thanks, backers!

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SPACE SHIPS and LASER GUNS: Obsessed Ep 59

Our guest Audrey Kearns–co-producer of 5 Truths and a Lie podcast and the Geek Girl Authority empire–loves the beautiful choreography of space ships shooting each other with big laser guns! Thrill to such topics as the many ways to escape The Enterprise, Han Solo/Picard slash fiction, and that classic beloved space battle movie Moonraker. BONUS: In an amazing first for the podcast, hear a guest use their inhaler! Twice!

AWOOGA! Obsessed is now a part of Feral Audio! Go to Feral now to listen to this episode and subscribe for new ones!

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

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OBI-WAN KENOBI’S ZERO STAR REVIEWS

ObiWanZeroStars

I’ve been obsessed with Star Wars for a long time. Every few months, specific lines from the films will lodge themselves in my brain. Recently, while waiting in line at the DMV, this line popped into my head:

“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.” – Obi-Wan Kenobi

Cranky, truth-bending Jedi Knight, hermit, and professional asshole, Obi-Wan Kenobi, said this to Luke Skywalker. He was describing Mos Eisley and its Cantina.

It only recently occurred to me how harsh it is. The Cantina really isn’t that bad. It looks pretty clean, Luke gets his drink quickly, the music is GREAT, and not so loud you can’t have a conversation over it.

“Wretched hive of scum and villainy” is a pretty shitty Yelp review for a place where you can openly slice people’s arms off, everyone just shrugs it off then goes back to smoking their space hookahs and shit.

It made me think Obi-Wan Kenobi would be an absolute menace if he wrote reviews online. So here are some of that crazy old hermit’s pithy zero star reviews.

For maximum enjoyment, read them out loud in your best Obi-Wan Kenobi voice.

CrankyObiWanChipotle

CrankyObiWanTWC

CrankyObiWanIkea

CrankyObiWanRadioShack

CrankyObiWanFacebook

CrankyObiWanTuesdays

CrankyObiWanLedZeppelin3

CrankyObiWanDexter

CrankyObiWanPinkberry

CrankyObiWanBlogPost

Now, for even MORE enjoyment go back and read them in your worst Obi-Wan Kenobi voice and compare!

Also, if you’d like to know how Obi-Wan might review your favorite restaurant, social media site, album, day of the week, etc. leave it in the comments and I’ll reply with a review! A cranky, crappy review.

If you enjoyed the post, check out the Patreon page that made it possible! Backing as little as $1 or $2 a month helps tremendously! Thank you!

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A FUN THING FOR HUMANS TO DO

AFunThingForHumansToDo

I once again sailed on JoCoCruiseCrazy and I once again had a great time performing as well as doing other human things that I would normally do on land but instead doing them on a boat.

If, like my mother, your first reaction is “What’s a JoCo and why are people cruising on it?” here are the basics: Jonathan Coulton is a talented, kind, funny human who sings songs. For the last four years, he’s gathered other talented, kind, funny humans to sing songs and tell jokes on a cruise ship. You should go next year.

This year, the cruise was on a ship that I believe was designed by aliens. More on that later.

Here’s some cool stuff about the Jonathan Coulton part of the cruise:

The attendees call themselves Sea Monkeys. After four years, the Sea Monkeys have formed a community that exists on the sea, the land, the internet, and sometimes even the air if you go parasailing during the cruise.

For example, a nice Sea Monkey named Laura dressed her stuffed monkey up as Batman and then gave it a taco just for me. Things like this constitute fairly normal interactions on the cruise.

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The Sea Monkeys are also a great audience. I had over a million metric tons of fun performing in the ship’s Goth Club in the middle of a Monday afternoon. The club had a strange, sexy Beefeater theme so this statue was my co-star.

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Paul F. Tompkins  kindly performed the controversial piece Cats Versus Dinosaurs  with me and Molly Lewis  was my co-host for my nerd-friendly sport Competitive Hugging. The Sea Monkey volunteers came, they saw, they hugged the shit out of each other.

I also played a role in the boat edition of Thrilling Adventure Hour. Peter Sagal and I portrayed angry people from the Midwest. It was easy to get into character.

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And I served as communications officer for “Drunk Celebrity Artemis” in which Grant Imahara flew our spaceship backwards through asteroids. This was not an actual command given by our Captain, Angela Webber of The Doubleclicks, but it was very entertaining.

All that said, the actual cruise part of the cruise seemed even stranger to me than normal.

Cruises are meant to evoke elegance and luxury, but with the glut of cruise problems in the last year there’s also the mental image of being lost at sea, defecating in a bag, while rats infested with the norovirus stare at you in judgment until you wash up on the island from Lord of the Flies.

Perhaps because of these thoughts I was more aware of the cruise ship as a floating contradiction. I spent a few extra minutes on my balcony staring at the endless sea and the vast sky–realties of the physical world that remind you of your tiny insignificant nature and the absurdity of our civilization. All of that just a few feet away from an angry lady from Iowa screaming BINGO and spilling a little bit of her strawberry-mocha margarita out of the commemorative plastic cup that is ringed with chunks of salt and small edible conflict diamonds.

Adding to the contradiction pile, our ship was called the Independence of the Seas and I for one felt INCREDIBLY INDEPENDENT as other humans cleaned my room and made me martinis.

There were many things about the Independence of the Seas that were almost right, but not really, leading me to the inevitable conclusion that this particular cruise ship was designed by aliens with only a loose grasp of human culture.

Each level of the elegant three story main dining room was named after a Shakespeare play. In particular, a Shakespearean tragedy. This led to a delightful moment of hearing a man with a heavy southern drawl loudly and repeatedly asking a steward, “Where is Macbeth? Where’s Macbeth? I can’t find Macbeth!”

Dining rooms named after Shakespearean tragedies is the set-up to a choose-your-own-punchline-adventure joke. Turn to page 57 for “at least they didn’t choose The Tempest.” Turn to page 163 for “I hope the dining room isn’t named after Titus Andronicus.” Turn to page 269 for “WHY DON’T THEY JUST CALL THE SHIP THE TITANIC?”

The ship was also lousy with challenging art. I don’t mean challenging as in thought provoking, I mean most of the artwork was so aggressively weird I felt like it was actually challenging me to a fistfight.

There was the picture of a deer looking at its own mounted head.

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There was an elegant print you could buy of a famous human named Jack Nicholson farting.

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There was a photograph that I believe was called “Buff-Man in the Shadows” or “Child of Light with Huge Pecs” or “Terrifying Live-Action Family Circus.”

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There was an illustration of spaceships from Star Wars sinking naval ships.

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Here you can truly see the aliens trying. They know a lot of humans like Star Wars so, hey, why not some pictures from Star Wars? How about some ships? How about two of the most obscure ships only seen in Return of the Jedi? Yes, that sounds good. We’ll have a picture of TIE-interceptors and A-Wings. What should they be doing? How about destroying something? Sounds good, but let’s make it relatable. What if they were sinking other ships?

YES! The spaceships should be sinking naval ships–VERY MUCH LIKE THE ONE THE HUMANS ARE FLOATING ON RIGHT NOW! I think the humans would enjoy that! Alien high-five! Or high-seven depending on their anatomy!

The ship also had a promenade or mall in the center as if commerce itself could keep us afloat. One of the storefronts was a pizza place called Sorrento’s which I choose to believe is Italian for “Sorry, humans.”

Many of us went there to get late night pizza. The pizza was available all day, but this pizza is like a great jazz club, a vampire, or texting your ex. It belongs to the night.

The pizza is not good. It’s also not bad. It’s almost pizza but not quite. It’s like eating the Uncanny Valley.

I could go on and on about the strange cruise.

I could tell you the aliens also chose a ridiculous name for our toilet paper.

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Heavenly Choice. So much wrong packed into just two words. The act is almost as completely opposite of heavenly as you can get and, hopefully, there’s not a lot of choice involved. It’s not shopping for a new car, it’s basic cleanliness. Come on, aliens.

I could also tell you how the aliens took a part of Haiti and renamed it Labadee and then used it to exactly recreate an island from the Nintendo Gamecube era video game Super Mario Sunshine.

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Seriously, try saying LABADEE in Mario’s voice and it all comes together.

The point is my whole time on the ship I was overwhelmed by this idea, this sensation of aliens struggling to make sense of normal human culture.

By the last day I realized I was enjoying the cruise even more because of that. Normal human culture is weird. Normal human culture on a cruise ship is weirder STILL.

But everything makes more sense when you’re inside it.

It’s only when you pull back and look at it from a distance that you can see the absurdity and often the joy of how not normal what you’re doing is.

On the last day of the cruise, I thought I was in a room with a bunch of awesome people listening to my friend Molly Lewis sing some songs.

Then I let myself drift back and see it from the outside. I was standing in a fake goth club on a cruise ship listening to Molly sing a song about a detachable, flying vagina with a man dressed as Super Mario.

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And it was great.

So thanks to Jonathan, the Sea Monkeys, the skies, the seas, the aliens, the night pizza, and all the weirdness in our vast universe for another fun week on a boat.

This post was made possible by Patreon! If you enjoy my work, you can keep more coming by pledging a few bucks per blog post!

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A Man and His Resolution Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, and now resolution tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy February’s romantic series of “Hey Girl” tweets!

Day One – In 2014, I will call mouths “opinion holes.”

Day Two – In 2014, I will skywrite all my tweets. They will be much harder to steal that way.

Day Three – In 2014, I’m going to get a cat so I can say my Doctor Who opinions to someone who doesn’t give a shit.

Day Four – “In 2014, I’ll tweet quotes and attribute them to famous people regardless of the accuracy.” – Ricardo Montalban

Day Five – In 2014, I will remove “awesomesauce” from my vocabulary and replace it with “nicefluid.”

Day Six – In 2014, I will not compare people to Hitler, Rosa Parks, or mid-career Bob Saget. Time to let it go.

Day Seven – In 2014, I’m going to create exciting, realistic new buzzwords like #synalethargy #crowdflounder and #failchievement.

Day Eight – In 2014, I’ll learns not to post grammors that are uncorrect just to annoy people’s and they’re delicat sensitivities.

Day Nine – In 2014, I will only smoke crack if I become a mayor. This includes Foursquare.

Day Ten – In 2014, I’ll finally reach my goal of being endorsed on LinkedIn for “kind of an asshole.”

Day Eleven – In 2014, I will totes express all my feels like an adult.

Day Twelve – In 2014, I’ll invent several exciting new swear words, you crumpet-humpers.

Day Thirteen – In 2014, I will set attainable goals and become Batman.

Day Fourteen – In 2014, I will buy a yoga mat. I will never do any yoga and I’ll come to think of the mat as my “guilt blanket.”

Day Fifteen – In 2014, I will popularize live twitter by standing on a corner and screaming jokes to see if people will repeat them.

Day Sixteen – In 2014, I will stop procrastinating. I will do this some time in late November for a maximum of two days.

Day Seventeen – In 2014, I will keep refreshing twitter until I feel whole as a person.

Day Eighteen – In 2014, I will invent a new exercise for unmotivated people called tantric sighing.

Day Nineteen – In 2014, I will go on a six week mental juice cleanse.

Day Twenty – In 2014, I will start a terrible heavy metal band called Medium-Size Sinkhole.

Day Twenty-One – In 2014, I’ll increase my sense of existential dread by posting many Missed Connection ads about meeting myself.

Day Twenty-Two – In 2014, I’ll set up an email alert for every time I tweet, forget, get excited about the email, then tweet about it.

Day Twenty-Three – In 2014, I will build a villainous lair in either a hollowed out volcano or a blockbuster video.

Day Twenty-Four – In 2014, I will exercise twice.

Day Twenty-Five – In 2014, I will bitch about Star Wars. Daily.

Day Twenty-Six – n 2014, I will ONLY hoist myself on other people’s petards. Never my own. Get your petards ready, other people.

Day Twenty-Seven – In 2014, I will watch someone run a 5K marathon.

Day Twenty-Eight – In 2014, I will find $5 in an old pair of pants. This already happened so I’m nailing the shit out of this resolution.

Day Twenty-Nine – In 2014, I’ll invent tantric frozen pizza eating. The goal’s to eat as slowly as possible so you can savor the shame.

Day Thirty – In 2014, I’ll invent a warm-up exercise called a trust push. Basically, I’m going to push people. Mostly in airports.

Day Thirty-One: In 2037, I will travel back in time and make better resolutions for 2014. I will also kill and/or hug Hitler.

Your resolved friend,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.

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GHOST STORIES: Obsessed Ep 36

Improvisers Hannah Kuhlmann and Aric McKeown join Joseph for a spooktacular episode of obsessive Ghost Stories. You’ll be terrified, amused, and terri-mused by tales of Dairy Queen Blood Man, City Hall Star Wars Ghost, Drug-Doing Kim, masturbating in the soup aisle, and dealing with your fear by throwing cheese curds.

AWOOGA! Obsessed is now a part of Feral Audio! Go to Feral now to listen to this episode and subscribe for new ones!

Listen, rate, review, and subscribe to OBSESSED on iTunes.

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