Category Archives: Daily Tweet Collection

A Man and His Resolution Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, holiday tweets, and now resolution tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy February’s romantic series of “Hey Girl” tweets!

Day One – In 2014, I will call mouths “opinion holes.”

Day Two – In 2014, I will skywrite all my tweets. They will be much harder to steal that way.

Day Three – In 2014, I’m going to get a cat so I can say my Doctor Who opinions to someone who doesn’t give a shit.

Day Four – “In 2014, I’ll tweet quotes and attribute them to famous people regardless of the accuracy.” – Ricardo Montalban

Day Five – In 2014, I will remove “awesomesauce” from my vocabulary and replace it with “nicefluid.”

Day Six – In 2014, I will not compare people to Hitler, Rosa Parks, or mid-career Bob Saget. Time to let it go.

Day Seven – In 2014, I’m going to create exciting, realistic new buzzwords like #synalethargy #crowdflounder and #failchievement.

Day Eight – In 2014, I’ll learns not to post grammors that are uncorrect just to annoy people’s and they’re delicat sensitivities.

Day Nine – In 2014, I will only smoke crack if I become a mayor. This includes Foursquare.

Day Ten – In 2014, I’ll finally reach my goal of being endorsed on LinkedIn for “kind of an asshole.”

Day Eleven – In 2014, I will totes express all my feels like an adult.

Day Twelve – In 2014, I’ll invent several exciting new swear words, you crumpet-humpers.

Day Thirteen – In 2014, I will set attainable goals and become Batman.

Day Fourteen – In 2014, I will buy a yoga mat. I will never do any yoga and I’ll come to think of the mat as my “guilt blanket.”

Day Fifteen – In 2014, I will popularize live twitter by standing on a corner and screaming jokes to see if people will repeat them.

Day Sixteen – In 2014, I will stop procrastinating. I will do this some time in late November for a maximum of two days.

Day Seventeen – In 2014, I will keep refreshing twitter until I feel whole as a person.

Day Eighteen – In 2014, I will invent a new exercise for unmotivated people called tantric sighing.

Day Nineteen – In 2014, I will go on a six week mental juice cleanse.

Day Twenty – In 2014, I will start a terrible heavy metal band called Medium-Size Sinkhole.

Day Twenty-One – In 2014, I’ll increase my sense of existential dread by posting many Missed Connection ads about meeting myself.

Day Twenty-Two – In 2014, I’ll set up an email alert for every time I tweet, forget, get excited about the email, then tweet about it.

Day Twenty-Three – In 2014, I will build a villainous lair in either a hollowed out volcano or a blockbuster video.

Day Twenty-Four – In 2014, I will exercise twice.

Day Twenty-Five – In 2014, I will bitch about Star Wars. Daily.

Day Twenty-Six – n 2014, I will ONLY hoist myself on other people’s petards. Never my own. Get your petards ready, other people.

Day Twenty-Seven – In 2014, I will watch someone run a 5K marathon.

Day Twenty-Eight – In 2014, I will find $5 in an old pair of pants. This already happened so I’m nailing the shit out of this resolution.

Day Twenty-Nine – In 2014, I’ll invent tantric frozen pizza eating. The goal’s to eat as slowly as possible so you can savor the shame.

Day Thirty – In 2014, I’ll invent a warm-up exercise called a trust push. Basically, I’m going to push people. Mostly in airports.

Day Thirty-One: In 2037, I will travel back in time and make better resolutions for 2014. I will also kill and/or hug Hitler.

Your resolved friend,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.

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A Man and His Holiday Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, writing tips, and now holiday tweets! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy January’s series of resolution tweets!

Day One – Judging by title alone, Sweet Child O’ Mine by Guns N’ Roses is a great Christmas Carol.

Day Two – “HI HI HI!” -Creepy Autocorrect Santa Claus.

Day Three – Other things you can leave out for Santa: kale.

Day Four – Candy canes are funny because they’re like penises. Bright, colorful, horribly bent penises wrapped in plastic.

Day Five – He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, had a burrito, cried in the shower, watched Teen Mom.

Day Six – “Bah Humbug!” is actually an old Victorian curse that translates to “All y’all Christmas bitches can go hump a goose!”

Day Seven – If you don’t like it when people tell you long pointless stories about their weird dreams DON’T GO TO THE NUTCRACKER.

Day Eight – Some of the reindeer games Rudolph didn’t get to play: Settlers of Catan, Russian Roulette, and #AddDickToAStarWarsQuote.

Day Nine – “Mistletoe” is a very old european word that roughly translates to “harassment bush.”

Day Ten – People are upset if you say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, so let’s all say “This is why we can’t have nice things.”

Day Eleven – My favorite holiday special is probably “Some Adults Who Were Doing Cocaine in the 1970s Thought Kids Might Like This.”

Day Twelve – The modern equivalent of Gold, Frankincense, and Myrrh is an Xbox One, a neti pot, and $1 gift card to The Body Shop.

Day Thirteen – It’s the thought that counts. This holiday, give your family thoughts like “I like ham,” “I want money,” and “Why?”

Day Fourteen – Ten years ago, I heard someone mispronounce The Nutcracker as The Nutcrapper and I’ve been laughing ever since.

Day Fifteen – I don’t have a cat so every night I have to get up and knock shit off my Christmas Tree myself. Pain in the ass.

Day Sixteen – If you’ve been very naughty this year expect Santa to send you a LinkedIn invitation and a snap chat pic of dog poo.

Day Seventeen – Here’s the complete list of Santa’s lists: Nice, Naughty, Neurotic, Necromancers, Napoleonic, Needy, Nuts, Nerf-Herders.

Day Eighteen – Trader Joe’s should sell a special white wine for the holidays called COPE.

Day Nineteen – Other reindeer names: Runny, Dingle, Chopper, Fumble, Samantha, Conrad, Private Dancer, Freak Nose, Cancer, and Mandy.

Day Twenty – “But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all?” WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK FAMOUS MEANS, SONG?

Day Twenty-One – Not all holiday specials have to be a “VERY” something. I would watch “A MILD Ebola Outbreak Christmas.”

Day Twenty-Two – As you gather with your families, give them the special gift of speaking only in best of lists.

Day Twenty-Three – Santa knows, but does not give two shits about, your Klout score.

Day Twenty-Four – A sad Christmas fact: Santa will be unable to find your house if your address is 404.

Day Twenty-Five – According to my autocorrect, Christmas marks the anniversary of the day Chris was bored.

Day Twenty-Six – Traditional 21st Century Boxing Day traditions include looking up Boxing Day on Wikipedia and going “Oh, yeah, right.”

Day Twenty-Seven – My 2014 resolution is to remove “amazeballs” from my vocabulary and replace it with “greattesticles.” Time to grow up.

Day Twenty-Eight – My inner fridge is still stuffed with cold emotional leftovers.

Day Twenty-Nine – Here’s a list of the most forgettable events of 2013: 1) Diane in 7A
2) Uh 3) Um 4) Something about a cat??? 5) Screw it

Day Thirty – I tried to type a joke about my 2014 resolution but I typed 3014 instead. I’m going to go with that. Look out, 3014!

Day Thirty-One: Setting up the Whiskey Tree, hanging the regret pole & putting out the vomit bucket for Hangover Claus! Happy New Year!

Your friend in writing,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.

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A Man and His Writing Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, horror, and now writing tips! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy December’s series of Tweets!

Day One – It’s important to stick to a schedule. Try to make it through at least 2000 excuses for not writing every day.

Day Two – It’s important to edit. Use violent metaphors. Kill your babies. Murder dolphins. Cut your arm off. Anger horses. EDIT.

Day Three – All novels are better with a ripped, time-traveling Scottish highlander/vampire who will die if he ever puts a shirt on.

Day Four – Remember: A great novel should have a very ambiguous title. Grass of Change. Shaft of Light. Whatever of Bullshit Town.

Day Five – Write at least 2000 words a day. They shouldn’t all be the same word, though. Don’t just write “murder” 2000 times.

Day Six – You must write what you know. That’s why all books are about people sitting at computers trying to decide what to write.

Day Seven – Eventually, a team of monkeys with typewriters will PLAGIARIZE SHAKESPEARE. Don’t be a monkey, write YOUR story.

Day Eight – All poems should rhyme. All fables should have a moral. All novels should have a slash fiction scene with Captain Kirk.

Day Nine – Remember: A deadline is just the day and time you will be MURDERED if you don’t get your writing done.

Day Ten – Always remember: Writing is lying. Fill your book with outrageous bullshit. Like dragons and emotionally stable people.

Day Eleven – It’s okay if your first draft sucks. In fact, it should. If your first draft is good, you’re probably a horrible writer.

Day Twelve – Some helpful, relaxing writing prompts: fear, deadline, blinking cursor, terror, sweating whiskey, life goals, pantsless.

Day Thirteen – Edit out all your unnecessary, enchanting, juicy, sizzling, quixotic, meaty, perfumed, luminous, mighty adjectives.

Day Fourteen – Writing IS rewriting. It took me sixteen drafts to write this fucking tweet.

Day Fifteen – Important questions about your novel: Is it unique? Honest? Does it have enough sexy amish vampires doing wood sculpture?

Day Sixteen – Pro-Tip: Try sending rejection letters back to publishers all marked up with your notes on their prose style.

Day Seventeen – If you’re not writing fast enough put on jazz music and mime hitting the typewriter return carriage after every line.

Day Eighteen – “Ghost written” means literally written by ghosts. That’s why pages flip & blood shoots out of celebrity autobiographies.

Day Nineteen – Writing is a fire in your soul. It’s an aching in your heart. It’s a knife in your brain. Writing murdered your family.

Day Twenty – All stories should have a beginning, a middle, a knife fight, sex in a bathroom at Arby’s, ponies, cake, and an ending.

Day Twenty-One – Here’s a free sentence to start your noir novel: “He had a face like a traffic accident and I was the first responder.”

Day Twenty-Two – Writing is like sex in that it’s like riding a bike. You do it with friends and you wear a helmet. This is a first draft.

Day Twenty-Three – If you’re having a hard time writing, write a time travel story where future you yells at present you for not writing.

Day Twenty-Four – Writing is just order putting words into so sense of the idea makes. Brain magic!

Day Twenty-Five – Pro-tip: Avoid cliches by smashing two cliches together. For example: “Throwing up in my mouth a little for a friend.”

Day Twenty-Six – Writing is like being a GOD. A lazy GOD who writes for 10 minutes then plays Candy Crush all day and calls it research.

Day Twenty-Seven – Remember the key to a heartwarming novel is a lot of brief scenes viciously mocking those who have wronged you.

Day Twenty-Eight – Holidays are special times for writers to gather with their families & write down crazy shit they say to put in a novel.

Day Twenty-Nine – It’s okay if your first draft sucks. After all, your whole life is a first draft you can’t revise. Wait. That’s horrible.

Day Thirty – Pro-Tip: If you’re not sure how to end your novel, just stop writing mid-sentence and add THE END???

Your friend in writing,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.

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A Man and His Horror Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, horoscopes, and now blood-curdling HORROR! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy November 2013’s helpful series of Daily Writing Tweets. But first, THE HORROR!

Day One – The call is coming from inside your pants.

Day Two – You are what you eat. Many of you are human donut holes. You monsters.

Day Three – I worked at Kinko’s for three years of my life.

Day Four – Every night in their sleep, the average person swallows 8 spiders, 5 Arby’s Beef N’ Cheddars, and 6 rolls of toilet paper.

Day Five – Today is the twenty year anniversary of twenty years ago today.

Day Six – Don’t add an extra space after a period. Monsters live in every extra space. Every extra space. Monsters.

Day Seven – A vengeful spirit that lives inside your DVR and only records commercials for dentures and computer animation degrees.

Day Eight – The word moist is almost exclusively used to describe cake or underpants.

Day Nine – Monster ideas: A bear-penguin. Ocelot-beaver. Tiger-Duck. Otter-pus. Whale-cat. Dog-spider. Look, animals are scary.

Day Ten – You will die after reading this tweet. It may take up to 80 or 90 years, but, still.

Day Eleven – There are still some pictures on the Internet that don’t have cats in them.

Day Twelve – Tentacles.

Day Thirteen – You die. Your obituary is just a link redirecting people to your LinkedIn profile.

Day Fourteen – Actually, the best trick the devil ever pulled is convincing people it’s okay to begin sentences with the word “actually.”

Day Fifteen – Maybe zombies don’t want to eat brains. Maybe their arms are outstretched like that because they want a hug.

Day Sixteen – A plague washes over the world causing all retweets on twitter to be BLATANT ENDORSEMENTS. Chilling.

Day Seventeen – A killer article: The Top Million Facts About Whatever That You’ll Start Reading Then Sit There Until You Wither And Die.

Day Eighteen – Dial-up modems made that noise ’cause they were haunted by future humans who knew all the time we’d waste on smartphones.

Day Nineteen – Nun Clown. Half nun. Half clown. All terror.

Day Twenty – You are a werewolf. Except instead of turning into a wolf during the full moon you become an asshole at random times.

Day Twenty-One – You die. You see a bright light. Then the words 404 Not Found.

Day Twenty-Two – You are haunted by the ghost of a tech guru who TED Talks the shit out of you every time you try to relax

Day Twenty-Three – Vampires can’t enter without an invitation but Facebook invites count. Lots of vampires at baby showers and poetry slams.

Day Twenty-Four – The guy at the cafe makes a design in your latte. It is Anthony Weiner. The design in the latte is a picture of his penis.

Day Twenty-Five – Monster idea: A mummy but wrapped entirely in Hello Kitty duct tape.

Day Twenty-Six – For no particular reason this phrase popped into my head: emotional dentistry.

Day Twenty-Seven – You give your soul to Satan. He acts like he really likes it but immediately regifts it at his cousin’s wedding shower.

Day Twenty-Eight – If you feel like you’re constantly being watched and judged it means you’re being haunted by a Ghost Cat.

Day Twenty-Nine – All your autocorrects come true in real life. Now you are a taco while shitting on the corner wailing for your taxidermy.

Day Thirty – You die at Arby’s. You are the Ghost of That One Arby’s. All the other asshole ghosts call you Boo N’ Cheddar. Assholes.

Day Thirty-One (HALLOWEEN!) – Your childhood dream finally comes true when you find candy hidden inside a razor blade.

Your friend in HORROR,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, check out my brand new comedy and music album FLAW FEST. You can also sign up for my fan list here.

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A Man and His Horoscope Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, then fake TV shows, and now Horoscopes! Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy October’s spooky series of Daily Horror Tweets.

Day One – You will read this tweet.

Day Two – A cat will look at you in a pompous and judging manner immediately before licking its own crotch.

Day Three – You will push on a door that is clearly marked pull.

Day Four – You are thinking about Benedict Cumberbatch right now.

Day Five – You will resent your pants.

Day Six – You will blame passing gas on a dog. Then you will realize there isn’t a dog in the room. Civilization will unravel.

Day Seven – You will be slightly amused and/or disturbed by the word “dongle.”

Day Eight – YOU WILL FEEL LIKE THIS HOROSCOPE IS YELLING AT YOU.

Day Nine – You are, were, will, and will have been annoyed with changes to your favorite social media site.

Day Ten – You might remember you have an account on Google+.

Day Eleven – You will feel validated by a horoscope. Yes, you. The one with the pretty eyes.

Day Twelve – You’ll pretend to be an action hero by microwaving a Hot Pocket and slowly walking away while it explodes behind you.

Day Thirteen – You will have an opinion about Star Wars.

Day Fourteen – You will fight in the great twitter wars of 2017. You will support the one true twitter king, Benedict Catbacon.

Day Fifteen – You will tweet about your desire to eat a burrito.

Day Sixteen – You will roll your eyes while reading a post on Facebook.

Day Seventeen – You will ask something for a friend.

Day Eighteen – You will click agree without even considering the possibility of reading iTunes terms and conditions.

Day Nineteen – You will close a door. Another door will not automatically open up unless you’re living in a wacky French farce.

Day Twenty – You will use an emoticon to express a complex human emotion and it will make you feel all :/

Day Twenty-One – You’ll will have a hard times resisting you’re urge to correct the grammaratical error in this’s tweet.

Day Twenty-Two – You may or may not be indecisive.

Day Twenty-Three – You will feel guilty if you do not call your mother. You will also feel guilty if you call your mother.

Day Twenty-Four – You will walk into a room and forget what you went into that room to do. You’ll feel extra stupid if it’s the bathroom.

Day Twenty-Five – You will both rule and drool. They are not mutually exclusive.

Day Twenty-Six – You will fail at something even though it’s not an option. Impressive! Go you!

Day Twenty-Seven – You will accidentally send an “I love you” text meant for your wife to the guy who cleans your gutters. Oh, just me.

Day Twenty-Eight – You or someone you know will be gluten-free.

Day Twenty-Nine – You will read something that is not true on the Internet.

Day Thirty – You will decide you don’t really believe in horoscopes.

Your friend in Horoscopology,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can sign up for my fan list here and make more comedy possible by buying a book, a comedy album, or a script here.

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A Man and His Fake TV Show Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, then incorrect quotes, and now fake TV shows. Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy September’s series of Daily Horoscope Tweets.

Day One – Whatever, Ghosts: Four attractive, lazy twentysomethings can see ghosts but don’t really care or do anything about it.

Day Two – Crime Sandwich: A cranky but brilliant manager of an Arby’s teams up with a hot FBI guy to solve fast food based murders.

Day Three – The Potfather: An old pot dealer tries to get out of the game, man, but people keep pulling him back in and shit.

Day Four – Daleks: In this Doctor Who spin-off, we see the Daleks on their home world, Skaro. All they do is post YouTube comments

Day Five – Let’s Make Noises About Movies: Two frustrated movie critics make exasperated noises about hot new blockbusters.

Day Six – Clown Hoarders: This is just like the show Hoarders, but all the hoarders are dressed like clowns.

Day Seven – Big Dumb Idiot Heads: A reality show in which we watch executives cancel good TV shows, then get mauled by a bear.

Day Eight – That’s So NSA: Two wacky government analysts read people’s funniest private messages with zany graphics and sound effects.

Day Nine – The Vampire Whatever: It’s a show with vampires. Maybe werewolves. A lot of sad, topless guys. Whatever. You’ll watch it.

Day Ten – Cop Doctors: A show about surgeons who operate solely on cops. Usually old ones who were about to retire.

Day Eleven – Game of Ponies: An animated show for the whole family. Full of sex, death, intrigue, ponies, and absolutely no swear words.

Day Twelve – The Void: A talk show with chatty hosts who just shut up and stare off into space for a while. Also, recipes and gossip.

Day Thirteen – Friend Makers: A reality show in which the only goal is to make friends. The spin-off show is called The Saddest Loser.

Day Fourteen – Literally Punk’d: A hidden camera show that is literally just people freaking out over the misuse of the word “literally.”

Day Fifteen – Cop & Furry: She’s a tough as nails cop. He enjoys dressing as a soft, fuzzy animal. This will only last two episodes.

Day Sixteen – The Vicar of Murder Village: A wise old vicar solves at least one murder a day in this quaint show about rural England.

Day Seventeen – America’s Top Frozen Pizza Chef: A reality show that asks the question, “Who is the best at something that takes no skill?”

Day Eighteen – Inside the Actor’s Dressing Room: James Lipton breaks into actors’ private spaces to ask stars about their favorite noises.

Day Nineteen – You Look Like Shit: A grim yet surreal HBO crime drama. The only dialogue said by any character is “You look like shit.”

Day Twenty – Donkey Friends: This is a remake of the hit sitcom Friends reshot entirely with donkeys as the main characters.

Day Twenty-One – Quiet Dignity: A nature show. David Attenborough narrates the sex lives of human couples who have been married a long time.

Day Twenty-Two – Man Men: A show based on a common typo for the show Mad Men. Mostly shots of dudes eating steaks while driving muscle cars.

Day Twenty-Three – Profilers: An original Netflix dramedy about a couple torn apart by signing into one another’s Netflix profiles.

Day Twenty-Four – The Bourne Diaries: Jason Bourne writes in his feelings journal, occasionally kills a guy with a handmade paper bookmark.

Day Twenty-Five – Ken Burns’ Documentary: Tender, moving photos of photos used in other documentaries. Narrators read historical narration.

Day Twenty-Six – SharkButt: An original SyFy drama about a lonely shark whose face looks like a butt. You’ll laugh until you die.

Day Twenty-Seven – Crystal High: A down on his luck meth dealer accepts a job as a high school chemistry teacher. Hilarity/violence ensues.

Day Twenty-Eight – Twerk Train: A dance show sort of like Soul Train, but not really.

Day Twenty-Nine – What’s Up, Warden? A sitcom about wacky antics at a high security federal prison. Uses a laugh track. Lots of shanking.

Day Thirty – Phone Lookers: A hip comedy about young, sexy roommates who never talk or have sex because they’re looking at their phones.

Day Thirty-One – The Ironic Hipster Comedy Hour: No one’s ever seen this. The air date’s not advertised, you just have to know when it’s on.

Your friend in Netflix watching,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can sign up for my fan list here and make more comedy possible by buying a book, a comedy album, or a script here.

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A Man and His Incorrect Quote Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, then daily etiquette tips, and now a series of horribly incorrect quotes. Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy August’s series of Daily Fake TV Show Tweets.

Day One: Look! Up in the sky! What the fuck is that?

Day Two: Clear eyes, full hearts, bionic legs, fire breath, armored crotches, knife fingers, laser teeth, can’t lose.

Day Three: “When a man is tired of cats, he is tired of the Internet.” -Samuel Johnson

Day Four: Give me liberty or give me death OR, if I can do a combo, liberty and eternal life would be pretty fucking sweet.

Day Five: No one puts baby in the corner unless the corner supports the baby’s head.

Day Six: Hell hath no furries.

Day Seven: Starve a fever, whiskey a cold.

Day Eight: “Teacher say every time you fund at the bell level an angel gets his wings.” -It’s A Wonderful Kickstarter.

Day Nine: Four score and seven years ago, you dumb shits knew what four score meant.

Day Ten: You know nothing about ham, Jon Snow.

Day Eleven: A shark in the tornado is worth two in the bush.

Day Twelve: Revenge is a dish best served without sriracha. People really like sriracha.

Day Thirteen: Someday we’ll find it, the Rainbow Connection, the lovers, the dreamers, the lunatics, the goat people, and me.

Day Fourteen: Today we are rescheduling the apocalypse! When we find a date that works for everyone we’ll send out a new evite!

Day Fifteen: There’s more than one way to skin a cat, but they’re all horrible BECAUSE YOU’RE SKINNING A CAT, YOU MONSTER.

Day Sixteen: Houston, we don’t have a problem. We can stop anytime we want. YOU’RE NOT OUR MOM, HOUSTON!

Day Seventeen: There’s nothing to fear but spiders, dentists, mortality, lists with no Oxford Comma, herpes, and fear itself.

Day Eighteen: Pain is weakness leaving the body. Or it means you’re dying. Pain isn’t a very good communicator.

Day Nineteen: There’s no I in team, probably because the word team was created by a committee with no leadership or vision.

Day Twenty: Keep Calm and Lose Your Shit

Day Twenty-One: I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. It was a GroupOn. 2 horse heads for the price of 1. I’ve said too much.

Day Twenty-Two: Give a man a fishstick and he will eat for a day, teach a man to make fishsticks and he will die in a grease fire.

Day Twenty-Three: You’ll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy outside of the DMV or maybe an Applebee’s.

Day Twenty-Four: If you’re not outraged, you’re probably in a medically induced coma.

Day Twenty-Five: A Lannister always pays his student loans for his 2 year degree in political science, rhetoric, and stabbing.

Day Twenty-Six: It’s better to have loved and lost than to have accidentally sexted a picture of your penis to your hair stylist.

Day Twenty-Seven: Welcome to the jungle. We have fun and games. Mostly heroin and Yahtzee.

Day Twenty-Eight: With great power comes great responsibility. It’s like a GroupOn for your soul, Spider-Man.

Day Twenty-Nine: Ten years ago we had Steve Cash, Johnny Hope, and Bob Jobs. Now we have dyslexia.

Day Thirty: An autocorrect a day keeps the dolphin agape.

Day Thirty-One: “I never said any of that shit.” -Abraham Lincoln, Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, and the Dalai Lama.

Incorrectly,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can sign up for my fan list here and make more comedy possible by buying a book, a comedy album, or a script here.

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A Man and His Etiquette Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, then daily affirmations, and now daily etiquette tips. If you’re wondering how to behave in polite society, this will answer most of the questions you would never bother to ask. Enjoy!

You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy July’s series of Daily Incorrect Quote Tweets.

Day One: At family dinner, NEVER stab your in-laws with the salad fork. That’s what the stabbing fork is for.

Day Two: After Memorial Day, one should ALWAYS pass the joint to the left.

Day Three: In the jazz community, a twenty minute sax solo is an acceptable form of greeting.

Day Four: Save the Date or STD cards should be sent for weddings, key parties, and pre-planned emotional breakdowns.

Day Five: If someone buys you an off-registry wedding gift, it’s customary to lace their thank you card with a deadly poison.

Day Six: Don’t stare at buttocks. Unless eyes are painted on the buttocks. Then you should make eye contact 50% of the time.

Day Seven: Never tell someone they look like Tom Cruise. Be direct and say, “You look like an ageless murder robot.”

Day Eight: It’s socially acceptable to look at a smartphone while using a public urinal, but not an iPad, you fucking savages.

Day Nine: The proper response to another person’s sneeze is: “I’m sorry about your nose explosion.”

Day Ten: A guide to Facebook invites. Yes=Maybe. Maybe=No. No=Send Me Another Invite And I’ll Murder You In Your Sleep.

Day Eleven: One out of every seven tweets should mention Benedict Cumberbatch. Any fewer is a vulgar abuse of the platform.

Day Twelve: If you pass gas in a public place, don’t be embarrassed. Take credit for your work with a simple bow or curtsy.

Day Thirteen: If you don’t have children it’s acceptable to show people pictures of your cats, plants, or XboxLive Gamerscore.

Day Fourteen: If you hear an adult say YOLO out loud without irony, it’s acceptable to immediately test that theory.

Day Fifteen: When people say something you like in real life, do not try to touch their LIKE button.

Day Sixteen: The single rudest thing you can do with a smartphone is call another human. Send a text, you savage.

Day Seventeen: You know who doesn’t take pictures of their food? ANIMALS. You should be posting at least 57 pictures per meal.

Day Eighteen: If your dining partner uses the phrase “it is what it is” it’s quite acceptable to flip the table in a monstrous rage.

Day Nineteen: Some basics: Don’t chew with your mouth open. Don’t listen with your mind closed. Don’t love with your pants on.

Day Twenty: It’s rude to break up with someone via text. A vine video is far more intimate and easy to share with friends.

Day Twenty-One: A business handshake should be so hard and firm, everyone in the room will shout, “Jesus, what’s he compensating for?”

Day Twenty-Two: The proper way to correct someone’s grammar on Twitter is posting about it on Google+ where no one will ever see it.

Day Twenty-Three: Never, ever make eye contact with anyone at a highway rest stop. Even if you’re meeting there for sex. 

Day Twenty-Four: We’re used to emoticons so at social events you should end every sentence with an abrupt, non-sequitur smile or frown.

Day Twenty-Five: Body language pro-tip: Winking is always creepy.;)

Day Twenty-Six: If you’re an asshole, it’s polite to start sentences with “I’m not an asshole, but…” so we know you’re an asshole.

Day Twenty-Seven: Don’t tell people their faults. Instead post their top 17 in a fun, snarky list on the internet. People love lists.

Day Twenty-Eight: Correcting all you’re friends grammar and punctuations are great; for people whom want to loose all they’re friend’s.

Day Twenty-Nine: If you run into a mansplainer, ask him to explain being a jackass.This will create an asshole paradox and destroy him.

Day Thirty: If you host a dinner party and you do not ask every single guest if they’ve seen The Wire, you are a fucking monster.

Properly,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can sign up for my fan list here and make more comedy possible by buying a book, a comedy album, or a script here.

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A Man and His Affirmation Tweets

For the past several months I’ve been doing a series of daily tweets. First tacos, then monkeys, and now daily affirmations. If you need a little something to put it all in perspective here’s 31 cranky jokes about feel-good aphorisms!

Enjoy! You can also follow me on Twitter to enjoy June’s series of Daily Etiquette Tweets.

Day One: You are almost good enough. And that’s almost okay.

Day Two: Dance like no one is willing to watch.

Day Three: You are like a comma. People put you in weird places and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Day Four: There are no limits in life. I would elaborate but I only have 140 characters for this tweet.

Day Five: Don’t lower your goals. Raise your denial.

Day Six: We all create our own demons. Gain peace by making yours with construction paper, macaroni, and glue. No sniffing.

Day Seven: A fart is just the contented sigh of a well-fed soul.

Day Eight: Fall like no one will catch you.

Day Nine: Tweet with abandon; with love; with misused semi-colons; that will piss people; off.

Day Ten: A midday nap is a peaceful, natural way to tell the world, “I have no intention of answering your fucking emails.”

Day Eleven: Knowledge is power. Hammers are tools. Words are things. Cheetos aren’t food. Breathe. Believe. Don’t eat Cheetos.

Day Twelve: Approach life like a child. Like a screaming, exhausted monster with a partially developed brain.

Day Thirteen: Maybe don’t just stare at the abyss. Talk to it. Hug it. Rub the abyss’ feet. You get out what you put in.

Day Fourteen: ALWAYS BE DOING YOGA.

Day Fifteen: You have two middle fingers. This is nature’s way of reminding you to only be pissed off at two people at a time.

Day Sixteen: Sometimes that silver stuff lining the inside of your cloud is asbestos.

Day Seventeen: We are all winners. Except people who insist that we are all winners. They are trying too hard.

Day Eighteen: Don’t yell AT yourself, yell WITH yourself.

Day Nineteen: Your brain eats ideas. A healthy mind keeps the good parts and poops out the excess on social media.

Day Twenty: Look at the stars. Reflect on how small you are. If you already feel small, FOR FUCK’S SAKE DON’T LOOK AT THE STARS!

Day Twenty-One: Dress up like a bird. Spread your wings. Don’t jump off anything. You can’t fly and you look stupid.

Day Twenty-Two: Life is like an analogy about life. It makes sense when you are drunkenly explaining it to your friend at 2 am.

Day Twenty-Three: Give a TED talk like no one will link to it.

Day Twenty-Four: Receive your potential. Inbox your doubt. Target your now. Ride your hope. Move your donkey. I have aphasia.

Day Twenty-Five: Remember: you are not alone. There are people everywhere. They’re watching and judging. Always. 🙂

Day Twenty-Six: It’s important to nurture your inner adult. Do some laundry and stop eating cheese over the sink, for fuck’s sake.

Day Twenty-Seven: There is no one else in the world exactly like you and that’s okay. It’s great. A relief, actually.

Day Twenty-Eight: If at first you don’t succeed try, try one more time. Then just bitch about it on Facebook.

Day Twenty-Nine: Peace is a breath onto the wind of a soaring dolphin’s song of wings that blow in a waving field of bullshit.

Day Thirty: Post like no one will comment.

Day Thirty-One: Always remember: A trite saying a day will keep reality at bay.

Affirmatively,

Joseph

If you enjoy my work, you can sign up for my fan list here and make more comedy possible by buying a book, a comedy album, or a script here.

 

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A Man and His Monkey Tweets

As a result of a brief conversation with John Roderick on JoCoCruiseCrazy, I decided to tweet once a day about tacos for the entire month of March 2013.

To my great delight, people enjoyed the taco tweets so I decided to continue the daily tweet series.

I felt the obvious follow up to tacos was monkeys. I stand by that decision for many reasons. Like most humans, my two favorite non-swear words are monkey and pants. Monkeys are a great source of comedy. They are so very close to humans and yet so very different. I’m sure monkeys would like tacos, but they have yet to extend that love to tweeting about tacos. But one can hope.

Below is every monkey tweet from April 2013. If you enjoy, you can find me on Twitter here.

Day One: Monkeys with typewriters will eventually write Shakespeare. Monkeys with iPhones will eventually Instagram their junk.

Day Two: Idea for a movie: Rise of the Pedantic Monkeys Who Are Pissed Off Because Technically They Are Not Monkeys, They Are Apes.

Day Three: “Are you throwing poo or is poo throwing you? A TED Talk by a Monkey.” This CHANGED my life.

Day Four: Things that look better on a monkey than a human: fez, diaper, red jackets, monocle, top hat, google glasses, bling.

Day Five: One of the big differences between humans and monkeys is that monkeys don’t use the phrase “it is what it is” so often.

Day Six: From a monkey perspective, King Kong is a romantic comedy with a really bleak ending.

Day Seven: I want to believe that somewhere, right now, a monkey is narrating the actions of David Attenborough.

Day Eight: When I’m rich and crazy I will have a monkey butler. That is, a human butler whose only job is to bring me monkeys.

Day Nine: Monkeys have many euphemisms for throwing poo: flinging the waste, forgetting the past, sending the tweet, etc.

Day Ten: Here’s my suggestion for the next Bourne movie: it should be called The Bourne Monkey. That’s all I’ve got so far.

Day Eleven: This one time I did a commercial with the monkey from Friends. Seriously.

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Day Twelve: Monkey with a banjo: funny. Monkey with a ukulele: hip. Monkey with a sitar: pothead.

Day Thirteen: There should be monkey bars for adults where an actual monkey would make me a martini.

Day Fourteen: Monkey see, monkey do unless a monkey sees someone planking and then the monkey just shakes his head and sighs.

Day Fifteen: If I commanded an army of Flying Monkeys, I would mostly have them steal people’s smartphones and fav this tweet.

Day Sixteen: Today my faith in humanity was restored when I read that two of the most used passwords are “iloveyou” and “monkey.”

Day Seventeen: Things that are so easy a monkey could do them: riding a pig, visiting Ikea, outsmarting Charlton Heston, hugging.

Day Eighteen: Emo monkeys just want to sit in the trees, listen to The Cure, and dream of picking things out of Robert Smith’s hair.

Day Nineteen: A philosophical question: If monkeys had their own social media site would they post pictures of cute humans?

Day Twenty: Things that monkeys don’t have to deal with: pants, their personal brand, reading Breaking Bad spoilers, bad hair days.

Day Twenty-One: True story: Told a friend that a warehouse task was so easy a monkey could do it. He broke the machine and looked sad.

Day Twenty-Two: Right now, Andy Serkis is probably in a motion capture suit pretending to be a monkey. Possibly for a movie role.

Day Twenty-Three: Villains that would be better if they had little monkey sidekicks: Darth Vader, Dracula, Hans Gruber, tax auditors.

Day Twenty-Four: I own socks with pictures of googly eyed monkeys. The socks read “DRUNKIE MONKEY.” This isn’t a joke, it’s just true.

Day Twenty-Five: I want to see a horror film called Monkeys on a Segway.

Day Twenty-Six: One cool thing about monkeys is that they don’t eat bananas ironically. They really fucking love bananas.

Day Twenty-Seven: When a small monkey starts screaming it means they’re angry, tired, or they just read a tweet that spoiled Breaking Bad.

Day Twenty-Eight: Monkey saying: When life hands you lemons, rub them on your body, sniff them, scream, then throw them at another monkey.

Day Twenty-Nine: Of all the monkeys in the world, one of my very favorites is stoic space monkey.

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Day Thirty: Monkeys with typewriters will eventually type Shakespeare. Monkeys with iPhones wilt evening tip shaken pearl.

Monkeys! Thanks! In May 2013, I’ll be tweeting daily with super uplifting affirmations!

Joseph Scrimshaw
Writer/Comedian/Monkey Fan

If you enjoy my work, you can sign up for my fan list here and make more comedy possible by buying a book, a comedy album, or a script here.

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